Endless Waltz
by The Last Ronin
Summary: Rachel died but that doesn't mean her story ended. The three beats of life, death and rebirth continue on forever and though her time as an Animorph is over, the Warrior Princess lives on.
1. Life After Death

So this is an idea I've been kicking around for a few weeks now. I've gotten a couple of chapters written though I'm still not convinced that it's going somewhere. To that end, I'm going to preface this story with the following:

I may not finish this!

I do, however, promise to let everyone know if that's gonna be the case in a much more timely manner than I did with "Fall". Regardless I'll keep working on it till I'm utterly certain it's going nowhere (if that turns out to be the case).

At any rate, I like the idea behind this story as it falls more in line with my own views of death than what I've written thus far for Animorphs. What those views are exactly are an integral part of the story that should be made clear within the first few chapters (though I'm sure some will have it figured out by the end of this one).

Oh and this is something of a crossover/OC fic...but not really. Confusing, I know, but you'll get what I mean soon enough (I hope).

Anyway, enjoy and review!

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I'm dead. I don't mean that in the "if I don't pass next period's exam I'm dead" way either. I'm actually, physically, dead.

Dead as a doornail. Dead and gone. Definitely dead. All dead.

You know, the whole "lights are out and the residents gone". That's what I am. My body is still out there, somewhere I suppose, but Rachel has left the building. Not only left but lost my keys down a storm-drain and forgotten my way back.

I was expecting to feel afraid but I'm not anymore. Like a scary movie I was only scared because I didn't know when whatever was going to happen was going to happen. Now that it has though I just feel...tired.

Tired and a little sad. There was so much I 'd still wanted to do. So much I needed to tell the people I love. Mom, Dad, Sara, Jordan...Tobias.

I wonder what happens now. The Ellimist seemed to think there's nothing after death. Of course, he's never actually died either so...I hope he's wrong. I want to see them all again; especially him. I want to hear his voice, feel his arms around me, his lips on mine.

That last image of him, seeing his heart breaking like that, nearly killed me before the polar bear had the chance. I came so close to breaking down and begging for my life, but it wouldn't have done any good and I couldn't let him know how scared I was.

I hope he can forget about me; move on. He deserves to have someone in his life, to not be alone anymore. I just wish that someone could have been me. Whoever they are certainly won't be good enough, but if he's happy...

Exhaustion washes over me. Thinking is just too tiring. Remembering is tiring...and painful. Maybe I'll just sleep. I'm so very tired. Didn't I do enough? Surely I can rest now. Rest and forget so I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

Yes. I'll sleep. At least for a little while...

**x-x-x-x-x**

"WAAAAHHHHHH !"

"Congratulations you two," the midwife smiles, cleaning off a small, screaming, blood covered body, "a girl, and Fate does she have a pair of lungs."

The older woman finishes wiping off most of the blood, wraps the baby in a piece of cloth and hands her to my mate.

Lily nuzzles our daughter gently, inhaling her scent and licking off a few missed spots of blood.

I reach over and stroke my daughter's cheek. She grabs my hand and, stuffing one of my fingers into her mouth, begins to gnaw on the digit with her toothless jaws. She glares at me while doing this, as if daring me to do something about it.

I laugh and let her play. She can't do any lasting damage.

"It would seem our little girl was a warrior in her last life," I grin and kiss Lily, "what do you want to name her?"

"Please," my mate snorts back a laugh, "you had her name picked out since you found out I was pregnant. After that hero from that war a while back right?"

"My dreams told me that that is what her name should be," I point out. All members of our pack know that dreams are important, their messages not to be ignored.

"I know, I know," Lily grimaces, "It's just...she's our first. I would have liked to have some say in her name at least."

"We'll do what we can," I shrug and sigh. I agree with Lily on this but Fate will do what it will regardless of our wishes. Our daughter has an important destiny ahead of her if Fate itself chose her name.

I think over that name: it belonged to a young woman, a warrior, who died saving our world. I hope that's not an omen.

Lily fuses over our daughter, speaking quietly to her. My finger remains trapped firmly in her hand though she's stopped chewing on it. Her ice blue eyes stare at my mate's mouth, entranced by the movement and sound. Perhaps...maybe there is something I can do for her, in spite of Fate's plan.

"May Fate be kind to you, my little Raquel," I whisper.

As if she heard, my daughter looks at me and her mouth pulls up into a grin.


	2. Gone But Not Forgotten

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

The thermals are spectacular today and I'm grateful for them. The sad truth is that I'm not nearly as young as I once was and flying is becoming more and more difficult each day. In a small corner of my mind I realize that I'm dying. But I don't mind. Death is a part of life. The hawk in me, if it doesn't exactly understand, accepts that. The boy though, if that term even applies anymore, is nervous.

Almost all humans fear death. I suppose it's because we're capable of thinking about the concept and that we don't know what comes after it happens. I hope there is something after though, then maybe I'll be able to see Rachel again. But there's also a part of me that doesn't want to die. I feel, restless I suppose is the word. Restless because I feel as if I'm not ready...as if there's still something I have to do.

It's silly really. I've wanted to die for a long time now; ever since I lost Rachel. Now that it's almost here though, why am I suddenly nervous?

Perhaps it's because, unlike most people, I have another option. I could morph something else. I could once again trap myself in another, younger, form. Ironic to be considering this now when the one person I would have done this for is long since dead.

What would I do if I did it though? I haven't spoken to another human in years, let alone anyone who would know me. I suppose I could go Andalite, though I doubt Ax would have time to introduce me to his world. Assuming he's still alive of course. It's been just as long since I heard from him as it has been any of the others. That had been my choice though. If I'd wanted to I could have gotten in touch with any of them easily.

But no. If I trapped myself as anything it would have to be human. Rachel had always wanted me to do that - so we could be together. Maybe it's to late for the later part now but perhaps I should honor the first part of her wish.

I mentally sigh as the trees give way to a small cliff overlooking the ocean. At the tallest point is a stone monument I'm very familiar with.

Rachel's memorial.

It's well maintained, even after fourteen years. Flowers and paper lanterns still adorn its base. Some of them, I know, are from the others. They all have standing orders with some flower shop or other that get replaced every few weeks. I've never brought any though - she was never really a flowers kind of girl.

There's people here now, paying their respects despite the fact that it's public knowledge that Rachel's ashes aren't here. I'm the only one who knows where they are. I've kept them safe all these years. I should return them to her family before I...if I decide to die.

The group down there now looks like it's a family: two adults, three kids. Only thing missing is the family dog. The oldest - or at least tallest - looking kid looks up, shielding her eyes and squinting. She spots me and her mouth twists up into a grin.

A chill runs through me and I look away. That grin...that grin looks almost like Rachel's. I smack myself mentally. It's been a very long time since I saw that expression and I've been thinking of her a lot today. Of course I'm seeing her in every blond haired, blue eyed, teenage girl wandering around.

I circle a bit, preparing to land. Out of the corner of my eye I see the girl tugging on her father's sleeve and pointing at me. Just some kid excited to see a big bird, that's all. Nothing for me to worry about. I drop into the trees and begin to morph after I'm sure there's no one around. There's no real reason for me to be careful although anyone who sees me and has a gun handy might decide to shoot first and figure out what I am later.

The world dims and quiets as I become human once more. It takes a little longer than it did during the war. I morph all of once a year now, on the anniversary of Rachel's death, so I'm more than a little out of practice. Still, the changes come and soon I'm tottering on my human legs and squinting with my weak human eyes.

Slowly I push through the bushes and step out onto the path leading up to the monument. I approach and drop down onto the grass in front of it. As always, my eyes take in her name and the words meant to honor her, though I can recite it all from memory. They praise her for her deeds. Thank her for her sacrifice.

She would have loved it. Not that she ever would have admitted that. But she would have soaked it all up like a Yeerk bathing in Kandrona rays.

A few tears trickle down my cheeks as I finish reading. I don't cry for her as much as I used to. Partly because the pain doesn't hurt so much anymore or, rather, maybe it still hurts as much but I've just become numb to it. And part of the reason I don't cry as much is that she wouldn't want me to.

Someone sits down next to me and I jump. I hadn't heard them approaching. I look over and for a moment my mind is convinced that it's Rachel sitting next to me. A shake of my head dispels the illusion though.

Although, at a glance, this girl looks disturbingly similar to my friend, a closer look causes that resemblance to blur; like looking at a poorly focused photograph. This girl is younger than Rachel had been...closer to the age we were that night in the construction site. Her hair is a bit darker and slightly curly while her eyes are the wrong color. Rachel's eyes had been the blue of the ocean. This girl's eyes are the blue of ice.

"You're that hawk," the girl says and for the second time I jump. First for the reason that she seems to know I'm in morph. But mostly because her voice is Rachel's down to the self- mocking tone that infused her voice when she was happy.

"What?" I try to make my face show confusion but I don't think it works. Less than twenty-eight hours as a human over the past fourteen years isn't even close to enough for me to remember how to make facial expressions.

"You're that hawk," she repeats and points into the air. Ah, now I get it, she's the girl who spotted me earlier.

"I, what makes you say that?" I need to get away. If she knows then...I shake my head. No. The war is over and I don't really have to hide. So what if she knows?

"A real hawk wouldn't have landed with my family around," she grins and my heart stops again - there's no mistaking it now, that's Rachel's grin.

"Okay fine, I'm a hawk. Is there something wrong with that?" I ask, curious that she's not freaked out by this knowledge.

"My spirit guide is a hawk," she explains, clarifying nothing, "and do I know you that you're staring like that?"

"I'm sorry," I look away for a moment but my gaze is quickly drawn back to her face, "I don't really remember how to make human expressions anymore, but you also look somewhat like a friend of mine...and you sound exactly like her. Sorry."

"You're friend is also a hawk?" she looks at me, her expression puzzled.

"No," I laugh quietly, "she was many things but not a hawk. She's gone now though."

"Oh," the wind picks up and, for a moment, my eye catches movement in the trees but when I look over nothing is there, "I'm sorry. What happened?"

"It's a long story and I don't have time to tell it," I laugh again and stand. She stands as well, brushing off the seat of her pants. My two hours are nearly up. Time to head home.

"Can I see you again?" she asks as I turn to leave.

"No," I sigh, "probably not."

"Oh," her eyes drop and she frowns.

"It was nice to meet you," I walk into the trees before she can answer. Once I'm far enough away I morph.

Back in the air I head for home. I'm more than a little disturbed by what just happened. Why had I talked with her like that? Usually I just made an excuse and left if someone approached me. But something about that girl had stopped me. Maybe it was her voice or how similar she looked to... No, that can't be it. What I'd felt for Rachel ran beyond simple physical attraction so there's no way that could be the reason I stayed.

I mentally laugh. Here I am trying to figure out that girl and I didn't even get her name. But it doesn't really matter. Speaking with her helped me realize exactly how much I miss my friend. I've made up my mind. I'm ready to die.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Well?" my father emerges from the trees, his hair a little more messy than usual. He'd changed to keep an eye on me while I talked with that boy. I shake my head, I hadn't even gotten his name.

"I don't know," I shake my head again. My father's more of a believer in all this spiritual stuff but for some reason it's my mother I want to talk to right now, "I feel like I know him though."

My father nods, the wind making even more of a mess of his hair. He understands. Those of us with spirit guides are able to recognize them in their physical forms if we meet them. I'm certain that boy was my guide.

I inhale deeply, picking up the scents of my family. My mother and my two brothers are nearby. They'll be along soon.

Growing up my father had made sure I knew that I'd been named for a hero. Despite that though I know very little about the young woman who died saving our planet from an alien invasion. My father certainly hadn't known her. His dreams had told him I was to be named for her though he hadn't done exactly as his dreams had wished.

I'd read everything I could find about her but, considering she saved the world, there was surprisingly little. Her cousin had written a book but it was less informative and more him moaning about how he'd gotten her killed.

She had been a warrior though, and very brave. Everything I'd read agreed on those two facts. It wasn't much but still it was somewhat comforting to know even that little.

I take another deep breath, searching for a particular scent I know must be here. It doesn't take long to find it but it does take me a couple of minutes to realize what it is. Human-like but off somehow. The smell is almost too clean, as if it's owner had been dipped in an odorless, odor-erasing chemical.

Without a word I follow it into the woods where the boy-who-was-a-hawk had disappeared. He hadn't gone far according to my nose and the trail abruptly vanishes. Not vanishes actually, changes. The odd smell of the boy is replaced by a much different one. Wind and bark with a bit of blood and grass. I smile as I find it, a feeling of familiarity washing over me.

"What are you doing?" my father's voice calls from behind me. There's no way he doesn't know what I'm doing but adults tend to ask questions just to see if you'll answer, not because they need one.

"Getting that hawk's scent in case I run across him again," I reply, looking back to find the rest of my family watching. My parents look at each other and my mother gives a slight shake of her head. They do this all the time but it's still kinda creepy how they seemingly have entire conversations without actually speaking. Maybe it's a pack alpha thing.

They turn to go, each holding onto one of my brothers. I follow, but my mind is already working out my plan for later. I don't know why exactly, but I want to see that boy again.


	3. Crossroads

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I slink through the forest quietly, stopping every so often to sniff the air. Tracking a bird is normally hard, they don't come in contact with the ground often enough to leave a decent trail. But I wasn't having any problem tracking this one. I'm not sure why that is considering his trail is as faint as any birds, but something tells me I'm going the right way.

Despite whatever it is that's leading me, it's still several hours before I find the meadow the boy-who-is-a-hawk calls home. He's sitting in a dead tree at the far end from where I enter and I quickly retreat before he sees me.

Far enough away, and certain I'm alone, I concentrate and begin my change. Vaguely I'm aware that it hurts but I've done this so often now that I barely feel any pain at all.

Back on two legs again I pull some clothes out of the small knapsack on my back and dress. It's nothing fancy but it beats being naked. Amongst my pack-mates it's not such an issue - it's too impractical to carry clothing all the time - but I definitely do not want this strange boy seeing me in my birthday suit.

It takes me a bit longer to get back to the clearing than it had to get away, especially since I don't have my long coat to protect me from thorns and whatnot now. However, I make it there with minimal cuts and scraps. They're nothing to worry about anyway, they'll be gone by morning.

[What are you doing here?] a voice comes from nowhere as I step into the open and I jump.

[Sorry,] the voice comes again and I can hear it chuckling.

My face heats. I don't like being made a fool of and I snarl quietly, looking for the source of the voice. There's no one here that I can see though and neither my ears or my nose find anything either.

"Who's there?" I growl, still sweeping the area with my eyes.

Abruptly the hawk sitting across the meadow takes flight.

"Wait!" I yell after him and start running.

[Relax,] comes the voice and I skid to a stop as the hawk lands lightly in front of me.

I stare at him as I finally realize that I haven't actually been hearing a voice. Great. Now there are voices in my head. Unless...

"You can talk?" I ask, my face heating again as I realize I'm both talking to a bird and at the same time hadn't even considered the fact that a spirit guide could talk to me regardless of its form. Even so, this is just plain weird.

[So can you,] the soundless voice in my head chuckles and I swear the hawk smiles.

I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts and gag on the stench that assaults my nose. Earlier I hadn't noticed it because his trail was so faint. Now, however, up close I can clearly smell it.

"You're dying," I whisper, staring at the hawk. How can my spirit guide be dying? Fear washes over me at that thought. What will I do without my guide?

[Yes,] he answers simply and I get the sense that he just mentally shrugged; it doesn't bother him.

"You're not afraid?"

[No,] he answers in the same "couldn't care less tone".

"Are you sick? I know a good healer who could probably help," surely my pack's Shaman would be able to cure a spirit guide.

[I've been sick a long time,] he chuckles again, [but really I'm just old.]

"Old age? But earlier you looked like you were my age..." I didn't even think spirit guides could die, let alone from age, "can you become human anytime you want?"

[Yes.]

"Could you change? I'd like to talk for a bit and it would be easier..." a desperate plan has begun forming in my mind. I don't know why but the thought of him dying twists my stomach into a knot. But if age is the problem than I'm certain I can save him. Maybe I don't really know him, but I can't let him die.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I don't know why I agreed to this but there's something about this girl that makes me want to trust her. Something familiar. It's probably her voice sounding just like Rachel's. Certainly that's the reason I feel comfortable talking to her.

So I morph to human, something I haven't done more than once a year since... She turns away but I get the feeling it isn't because she's grossed out. The way she stands makes it seem almost as if she's trying to be polite. Odd.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I ask as I finish morphing.

"You're...decent?" she asks and with the moonlight I can just make out her face turning red.

"Of course," my morphing outfit has definitely seen better days but it's still serviceable. Not that I would have tossed it anyway; it had been a gift from Rachel after I acquired my old body again.

Still she glances over her shoulder hesitantly before turning to face me, her blush fading. For a moment all I can do is stare. I hadn't realized it earlier, lost in my memories as I'd been, but she's very pretty. Of course, she's more than half my age too. Not that it matters. I'll be dead soon anyway.

"May I ask your name?" she says, her embarrassment seemingly forgotten.

"My name?" I think for a moment. It's been so long since I've used it I'm not overly...To-something. Toby? No that's not it.

"Did I ask something odd?" she asks after I don't answer for a moment. It's my turn to blush and I laugh quietly.

"No, no. I just...well, I've not used my name in so long that I kinda forgot it," I laugh a little louder, "give me a minute though, it's on the tip of my tongue."

A small giggle escapes her mouth before she can stop it and I stare. That's a sound I don't think I ever heard Rachel make.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh," she sounds horrified at her reaction and I chuckle myself.

"Don't worry about it...it is funny," I try to smile to show I'm not offended but I'm not sure it works, "Oh! That's my name! Tobias. Yes my name is Tobias. Knew it was there somewhere."

"Tobias?" she repeats and for a moment her eyes widen, what looks to be surprise in them, but she quickly squashes it.

"Yeah, not the most common name...or at least it wasn't when I got it," I laugh again...odd for me to be doing that so much. I haven't really found anything funny since... "So what's your name?"

"I'm," she hesitates for a second and then shakes her head, "I'm Raquel."

I stare at her. What kind of sick joke is this? This girl who looks similar to Rachel. Who sounds exactly like Rachel. Even her name is almost...But surely she doesn't know any of this. It's just a coincidence, that's all. I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I want to be angry at her for well...being her I suppose...but something stops me. I can't.

"Sorry," I say after a few minutes of silence, "that was just...I mean this is just really weird."

"What?" she winces slightly as she asks that.

"You," I begin and take a deep breath, "you remind me of that friend I told you about earlier. Even your name is similar to hers."

She doesn't say anything and looks away, but I can see anger in her eyes. Maybe I insulted her? I probably shouldn't have said that. Although, actually, she looks more irritated than insulted. Should I apologize? How though? And for what? Actually, a better question is 'why do I even care'?

**x-x-x-x-x**

How could I have been so stupid? How had I not realized it earlier? He isn't my spirit guide. As certain as I'd been of that before I now know that I'd been wrong.

I should have seen. It had all been there for me. The memorial to the woman my father named me after. The anniversary of her death. A boy-who-is-a-hawk with a dead friend I remind him of. I'd read whatever I could find about my hero namesake and almost without exception one other name is always mentioned with hers.

Tobias isn't my spirit guide. He's the other forgotten Animorph. The one who had been in love with my namesake. The one whom she'd loved back.

My face burns as I walk away. I'd excused myself for a few minutes to attend to nature but really I just wanted to be alone in case these tears my eyes are threatening me with actually spill over. I'm not even sure what they're for either. I just feel very weird when I'm around him; like I'm not me.

I growl to myself. I should just leave - I don't even know why I came here. But he's still dying and that thought still ties my stomach into a knot. Why though?

"Oh to hell with this!" I growl again and strip my clothes off. I stuff them back in my knapsack and begin to change. Later I'll figure out what it is that I'm feeling. Now I don't have the time.

Back on four legs again I return to the meadow. Tobias is waiting for me, still human. Good. His eyes widen as he sees me but he doesn't move. Although he doesn't show it on his face I'm certain he realizes I'm not a dog - even if I don't smell any fear on him.

I wag my tail and let my tongue loll out so he knows I'm not going to hurt him. He relaxes slightly and I trot forward.

"What the hell?" his mouth moves but no sound comes out.

I nose his hand and he carefully reaches up to scratch behind my ears. A low sound - I'd call it a purr if I was a cat - rumbles from my throat and my tail wags harder. Fate that feels good!

He pulls his hand away and I playfully grab his lower arm in my jaws, being careful that my teeth don't pierce his skin. He stays still and I look up at him, grinning in a friendly way. His eyes widen again as they meet mine and I can almost see the light bulb go on in his head.

Behind him I notice movement and a quick sniff tells me who our guest is. I look over anyway. My father stands not twenty feet away, glaring at me in a way only an Alpha can, his fur standing on ends.

"Don't you dare," his glare and posture tell me, though of course he can't actually say anything.

No. This is the only way. Even if Tobias isn't my spirit guide I can't just let him die. Not when I can prevent it.

My father's muscles coil and he leaps. But we both know he can't make it in time. I look back at Tobias again and bite down.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The boy drops like he's been hit by a professional boxer. I'm human again before I even land and grabbing my daughter by the scruff of her neck, I hurl her across the clearing.

Few of us can change as fast as I can but the blood in my veins is purer than most others and I've had a lot of practice. It's still just as painful, and more tiring than a slower change, but it's an ability that has helped my family remain Alphas for generations. Raquel will be able to do it too someday. Assuming she survives this atrocious breach of our laws.

I look down at the boy as he spasms quietly. His eyes are open but unseeing and spittle drips from his slack jaw. Fate this was not something I needed now. At best I can hope he'll die and we can pass this off as an accident. Our laws are much more lenient in those cases.

But if he lives...If he lives I'll have a whole new set of problems on my hands. He can't be left alone if he lives, but taking him back with us will doom my daughter. Turning someone so young and against their will is amongst the worst crime any of us can commit. The penalty for doing such a thing is to give the offending wolf a head start and then hunting them down. Not even my word can stop that.

I snarl at the thought. I can't even claim it was I who bit him; any half trained Shaman will see through that lie instantly. The only other way out of this is to kill him now and dispose of the body, though that would still leave the scent of a human death on me. Although, if I let the change progress far enough I could just say we were attacked by a rogue. Yes that is what I'll do. Once he's far enough along, if he makes it that far, I'll kill him.

Raquel approaches slowly and, waiting until she's within reach, I backhand her. She lays on the ground, shock on her face as she reaches up to gingerly touch her cheek. Grabbing her by the neck, I haul her back onto her feet and pull her cell phone from her pack.

"Get dressed. Now!" I growl as I open the phone and punch my mate's number.

"Raquel?" Lily's voice, laced with worry, comes as the call connects.

"It's me," I try to cool the anger in my own voice but I'm sure she hears it anyway, "I need you here."

"What happened? Where's Raquel?"

I glance down at the girl, now fully dressed and sitting next to the boy, holding one of his hands.

"Our daughter has done something monumentally stupid."


	4. Changed

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

With a groan I open my eyes and blink as the sun momentarily blinds me. What in the hell hit me?

Wait...the sun? !

I leap to my feet and look down at myself, at my human self.

No. Dread washes through me.

I form a picture of my real body in my mind: wings, feathers, beak, talons. The image firmly in place I concentrate on it.

Nothing happens. Panic begins to bubble inside me.

No!

"Demorph!" I scream silently at my body and concentrate harder, but it ignores me.

No! Not again! Not again!

I continue focusing, willing the changes to start.

Still nothing happens.

The panic overwhelms me and I start screaming.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Hysterical screams send my daughter and I racing back towards the clearing. It would appear Raquel's friend has woken up. Odd, he wasn't out that long. Most who are bitten are unconscious for at least a week before waking...if they wake at all. But this boy was only out for a little over a day.

He's wide awake now though and not happy in the slightest. As we approach he whirls on my daughter.

"You!" he screams, anger beginning to over take the panic, "Do you have any idea what you've done? Do you? !"

Across the clearing my mate approaches. We hadn't expected the boy to wake so soon so we hadn't been watching him that carefully. Originally Logan wanted to kill him once, if, he stabilized but after the fit Raquel threw over that idea I'd quickly dissuaded him. I know the laws as well as he, but so does our daughter. If she is willing to risk her life for this then at the very least we can try and come up with a way to save the boy. If we can't though and it comes down to her or him. Well, she'll hate me but I've done worse.

Something is wrong here though. Most people who survive our bite want to understand what has been done to them. However, this boy is asking if we understand what we did. Semantics to be sure but, well, that's where the devil makes his home.

"Please, relax and I'll explain," Raquel starts, approaching him slowly with her hands open in the universal 'I'm unarmed' gesture.

"Raquel, stay back!" I bark at her. Apparently she didn't hear what the boy said.

"Relax? Relax? !" the boy nearly shrieks, "I'm trapped and you want me to relax!"

Trapped? What does he mean trapped? Is he referring to my mate and I? We don't have him even close to being trapped. But I don't have anymore time to contemplate his words because he's begun to change.

Fast. Very fast. Not as quick as my mate but no one's first change should be that fast - let alone one who was bitten.

He screams as he changes - a scream which turns into something akin to a roar as he finishes and launches himself at my daughter.

Before any of us can blink she's flat on her back, the wolf holding her down with one paw on her chest. He snarls at her, his teeth inches from her nose. She doesn't move, just stares wide eyed and pale faced at the wolf she's created.

With a single step I leap and tackle him to the ground. A half second later Logan arrives and pins the wolf. I scramble up and pull our daughter to her feet, dragging her a dozen steps away.

The wolf snarls and snaps at my mate but I'm not worried, he's not going anywhere. Logan's hand wraps around its throat and cuts off its air.

"Don't hurt him!" Raquel shrieks, trying to pull away from me, "he's just scared! Confused!"

There seems to be a lot of that going around. My mate catches my eye and I glance quickly at our daughter. He nods and relaxes his grip slightly. Had there been anyone else present this wolf would have been dead. The Alpha can't be seen showing mercy at the whim of his teenage daughter. There would be a rebellion.

I drag her further away despite her resisting.

"Stop struggling!" I hiss and cuff her on the side of her head, "once that wolf calms down and changes back you can talk with him. Until then you are not going near. Am I clear?"

She stares at me, shocked. I've never been this rough with her before. As our first born, Logan and I have let her get away with much. Perhaps too much. It's time she learn.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Werewolves," the boy snorts and shakes his head, "as if my life wasn't weird enough already."

It had taken me a good while to calm him down enough for him to change back and time more to explain what had happened, what he now was. He's taken it surprisingly well, a result of his youth no doubt though I still wonder if there's more to it than just that. No bitten wolf should be able to change as fast as he did. Perhaps he had some of our blood in him already?

There's an edge of sadness in his voice though, as if he's holding back tears and he looks longingly at the sky every so often. I wonder why that is?

I've never heard of a spirit guide being forcibly changed into one of us before so I've no idea what to expect from him. My initial assumption was that our bite wouldn't affect him at all, though instinct had still dictated I try to stop my daughter. Now though we have to figure out what to do with him. I thought I was going to have a few more days to decide but...

"You're going to kill me," the boy observes, watching me closely though he doesn't move. He knows I'm stronger than he is so his cool attitude can't be confidence. I look at him closer. No, not confidence. He doesn't care.

"What makes you say that?" I cover quickly, a little disturbed that he's figured out what I'm thinking. He laughs.

"I've been a predator for many years. Seen and done my share of killing," he laughs again but there's no humor in his voice, "I know the look someone gets in their eyes before they try to kill you."

"Try?" Gotta keep him talking, give myself more time to think. I don't want to kill him if I don't have to. Raquel would be devastated.

"Well, obviously I'm still here so no one's succeeded yet," he laughs that same humorless laugh again.

On second though, maybe killing him would be a mercy.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Ok, now why did you do it?" I ask my daughter now that both of us have calmed down considerably. I just hope this lesson hasn't been in vain. Wolves who don't learn quickly, die quickly and it may be too late for Raquel already.

"He was dying..." she winces slightly and adjusts how she's sitting. The bruises are already fading but she'll be in pain for a while yet...even though I hadn't broken anything.

"Raquel, you know our bite is almost always fatal to humans. He could have just as easily died."

"At least this way he had a chance!" she's getting stubborn now. Maybe my lesson wasn't thorough enough.

"That still doesn't answer my question," I press again, "making a wolf is not something to take lightly, to be done on a whim. Fate, you didn't even know him two days ago!"

It's teenage foolishness is what it is. I'd never suspected my daughter as the type of girl who would swoon over the first cute boy she saw. Even so, to bite him!

The wind blows through the trees, swirling her hair about her head. She hugs her knees and looks off into the distance. I don't need to be able to see them to know she's looking in the direction of Logan and that boy.

"I don't understand why Mom," Raquel says quietly, shaking her head, "but I feel like I knew him even before two days ago. Being around him reminds me of how I feel when I'm eating dinner with you and Dad and Kyle and Alex. It's like I'm...home."

I'm not sure what I expected her to say but that certainly wasn't it. Regardless I don't even know where to begin...how do I even reply to that? This sounds like something a Shaman might be able to explain though.

"Well that's...odd" I settle on and wince. Even I can tell that that sounds horrible.

"It gets odder," she mumbles into her knees, "you know the woman I'm named after?"

"Of course," I grit my teeth. As if Logan would ever let anyone forget who we named our daughter after - on Fate's orders no less.

"He knew her," she whispers, "he was her...mate I suppose."

"He's twelve, how could that possibly be true? Did he tell you this nonsense?"

"No he didn't, I figured it out and I don't know how it can be but I know it's true."

I can't see how this can possibly be, but now I'm more certain than ever that this is a question for a Shaman.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I stiffen as two pairs of footsteps approach. At least there's an upside to all this. My senses are much improved compared to a human's. A human wouldn't have heard those footsteps, let alone realized there were two people. A human also wouldn't have been able to tell that both were female and one was larger - probably older - than the other.

That which my ears didn't tell me my nose did. Definitely both female. The younger one is the child of the older and she was recently bleeding.

I turn to face them, the male watching me carefully. His scent is all over the older female and hers all over him - mates then. The younger one - Raquel I think she called herself - slowly meets my eyes. Her mother stiffens, her muscles coiling to spring before I realize I'm growling. With a shake of my head I stop.

"Sorry," I murmur and frown. I should at least try to be civil. But this girl is the one who took my wings so I can't really say she's my favorite person right now. Being civil with her may be beyond me.

None of them say anything. The two adults are still enough to be statues. The girl watches me shyly and fidgets. Bored, I look up at the sky, watching a few small birds flit by. Oh how I wish I could join them.

"You don't need all three of you," I offer after a good amount of time passes, "I won't fight."

Out of the corner of my eye I see the girl's eyes open wide in alarm.

"Dad..." she starts but he waves her silent.

"If that's what you want it would make my life easier," the male says, "but first I'd like to know why someone as young as you is so eager to die."

"That's easy. I'm already dead," I laugh quietly, "my body just hasn't figured it out yet."

The wind blows through the trees, whipping through the hair of the two females. Even with the wind mixing their scents I can still clearly distinguish between them and I wince slightly. That girl, even her scent reminds me of Rachel, though I'd never really been able to dissect it like I can now.

As I examine the different facets of her scent a strange sound reaches my ears. It's a sound I haven't heard in a very long time. So long that for a moment I don't even realize what it is I'm hearing.

Within my chest, my heart has begun to race, though I've no idea why.


	5. What Death Cannot Do

Okay, sorry for the delay in getting this up. I actually had this written a few days ago but I didn't quite like it so I sat down to write another chapter instead. But I didn't like that one either so I wrote a third. I liked the third but then decided to go back with the first anyway. Hence the delay lol.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

The trip back to our pack's territory isn't incredibly long but it still seems to take much longer than before. Physically our guest doesn't take up much room but his effect on the atmosphere is significant. We couldn't leave him though. A newly turned wolf left alone is as much a danger to himself as to others. Not to mention the security risk doing such a thing would pose.

The car is cramped though - it had barely been big enough for the five of us in the first place. Raquel is wedged between Logan and I in a manner that will certainly get us a ticket if we get stopped by the cops. It would be a bit more comfortable with Alex in the front, being the smallest, but we're not about to let our daughter sit next to her wolf.

That doesn't help my mate's mood any. Raquel's eyes are glued to the boy's reflection in the rearview mirror and have been the entire trip. The result is her father gripping the wheel tighter and tighter until I'm certain it will break before we get home.

Probably the only thing that is restraining Logan is the fact that the boy hasn't looked anywhere but out the window - staring up at the sky. If there wasn't a very real chance Raquel will be killed for this the situation would almost be funny. I'd been wondering what was going to happen the first time she brought a boy home...not that I'd expected it to be so soon, or under these circumstances.

She's clearly smitten with him though, even if she hasn't figured that out herself yet. But I don't understand it. How can she be this head over heels for someone she doesn't even know?

My first thought would be physical attraction but he's nothing really special to look at. Not ugly but sorta ordinary. It makes no sense to me when she can easily find herself a much better looking boy.

I shake my head and look out the window myself, watching the exit signs drift by. This is too complicated for me. I'm a pack huntress. Give me a target and I know exactly what to do. Ask me to figure out how to talk to my teenage daughter about boys though... Where do I even start?

**x-x-x-x-x**

By the time we arrive back home I still haven't figured out why I turned Tobias. Well, why beyond the 'he was dying' reason. It was the right thing to do, I'm sure, but that doesn't explain any of this. If he were my spirit guide it would make sense, but he's not. He's just some boy.

Sorta.

My parents had explained to him that he couldn't reveal how I'd gone about changing him. As far as anyone can know he'd been out hiking when he surprised me and I bit him before I could stop myself.

It's a flimsy story at best but he'd agreed to it...especially once he realized one or even both of us would die if he didn't.

I'm not worried. The same part of me that is convinced what I've done is right is also certain he won't do anything to harm me. I just wish I knew why that was.

The pack comes out to greet us - well, to greet our Alpha at least. We've only been gone for a few days but already I can see that there has been trouble. Our pack isn't large so any division is obvious.

Reaching over I gently tug on Tobias' hand, pulling him closer. Already a few have noticed him and are staring curiously. Some are openly hostile; glaring at our newest pack-mate.

One of the teenagers, a scraggly wolf named Piotr who is slightly older than myself, stares at Tobias' hand being held firmly in my own. Rage boils behind his eyes. For a few months now he's been trying to court me - both because I'm the only female near his age and because I'm the daughter of the reigning Alpha - but I've continuously turned him down.

I just barely register the muscles in his legs coiling before he's flying through the air, aimed for Tobias. I yank my wolf behind me and slam my other hand into Piotr's face before his grasping hands can find their target. I slam him into the ground and then leap through the air myself to plant my knees deep within his gut. Back on my feet I yank him off the ground and drop kick him in the ass. He sprawls out face down in the dirt, quietly hacking up bloody spittle.

"What's going on?" Derek, one of the older wolves demands as he approaches. He's bristling already, his skin writhing with a barely suppressed change, but it only gets worse when he sees Piotr on the ground. I carefully step in front of Tobias, keeping as much distance between him and the other wolves as possible. For his part, however, Tobias hadn't even blinked, though he is now staring at me - surprise playing on his face.

My father snarls and Derek backs off slightly but doesn't turn away. Instead he looks over and Tobias and repeats his question. There's no use hiding what happened, beyond our story of course. Derek may be a hot head but he's also part Shaman. He can see - I guess see is a good enough word - that I turned Tobias.

"What do you have to say about this Logan?" I bristle, and snarl myself, at Derek's boldness. He may be old and he may be part Shaman but he does not have the status to refer to my father by his given name.

"Why am I not surprised?" another voice drawls, silencing everyone, "All this snarling and growling can only mean Derek causing trouble again. How am I to get any sleep with you always behaving like a month old pup?"

The pack parts as an elderly woman ambles forward, leaning heavily on a thick wooden cane. Grandma Calli is the oldest wolf I know and the greatest Shaman most packs have ever seen. Wolves come from all over seeking her help and advice.

"Now let's see what we have here," Calli turns towards Tobias and I. For an instant her eyes widen, what looks to be surprise passing over her face. She quickly hides her reaction, but begins to chuckle anyway.

"So this is what's got everyone's fur in a ruffle," she laughs now, ignoring the confused looks the others give her. For several minutes she stands there, shaking and laughing before she finally calms down enough to motion for Tobias and I to follow her.

"Calli I..." my father starts but she waves him silent. She is the only one who can do such a thing without it being considered either an insult or a challenge. Only a fool ignores Grandma Calli.

"Relax Logan. Our little warrior princess hasn't done anything nearly as awful as it seems," she chuckles again and Tobias stiffens next to me, "but there's a lot more going on here than even she realizes. We'll talk later."

She ambles off and, at my mother's urging, I follow, pulling Tobias along with me. I don't know what Grandma Calli wants with us or what she meant by what she said but hopefully she'll explain.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm not really sure what's going on right now though my nose is telling me that all of the people here are werewolves. Not that there's many of them. Even with our arrival the number doesn't even reach twenty. Not five minutes though and already there's trouble. I'll have to watch my back.

I grind my teeth. I've been human again for barely two days and already the survival instincts are kicking in. And here I'd been ready to die three days ago.

Raquel pulls me along, following after the old female who'd stopped the second fight that had been brewing. It's weird holding someone's hand again. The last time was...but I need to stop that. No use pining for the past and there's no real harm in admitting that I don't mind holding her hand. Deep down a part of me even missed this.

The village is tiny and, while it doesn't look like the residents are poor by any means, it does have an air of neglect about it. A few minutes of observation has me fairly convinced that the look is a cultivated one. Few would bother stopping in a town that looks like this which is probably how the residents like it. But the image screams of artifice; as if the illusion is maintained simply because it's convenient, not because it's desired.

"Quite a bit of trouble you've stirred up here Princess," the old woman says once we're inside her hut. The structure is small but...cozy I suppose. A small fire crackles in the center with a boiling pot hanging over it. A variety of plants and herbs hang drying from the walls and ceiling along with numerous pots of the fresh variety.

"I'm sorry Grandma," Raquel says quietly, "I can explain..."

"No, you can't," the old woman, Calli, smiles and sits on a small, fur lined chair, "which is precisely the problem here. No one understands why you did as you did. Least of all you."

Calli shifts her eyes to me and I nearly jump in surprise.

"You're blind," I point out and then mentally kick myself even as Raquel physically does the same. That wasn't rude at all.

"Still have excellent vision there Hawk," she chuckles and this time I do jump, "but as you've just realized, being blind doesn't stop me from seeing...or thrashing these pups when they step out of line."

"I'm sorry. I meant no disrespect," I try not to stare at her eyes though I fail miserably, "I was just surprised."

"Oh-hoh, don't I feel special. Surprise you?" she chuckles again, "And here we haven't gotten to the real surprising stuff yet!"

I glance over at Raquel but she just shrugs. The movement jostles my arm and she looks down. Her face turns red as she apparently realizes she's still clutching my hand. She quickly lets go and Calli laughs.

"You know something about," Raquel gestures towards me and trails off, not looking in my direction.

"Yes I suppose I do," Calli stirs the contents of her pot absently and looks at us, "and you think you were surprised Hawk. Imagine how I felt seeing the two of you!"

"I don't follow," I shift uneasily. Part of me is sure that I'm not going to like what she has to say while another part of me can't wait to find out.

"Hmm...no," she stares off, unseeing, into the distance, "no it's not time for you to know just yet."

I stare at her, the crackling fire the only noise other than our breathing. All this and she isn't going to say anything?

"Raquel be a good girl and fetch me a pail of water from the stream," Calli gestures toward a bucket sitting next to the door.

Raquel hesitates and glances at me for a moment before grabbing the pail and hurrying off.

"Good. Now I need to be quick before she gets back so be quiet and pay attention," Calli says after listening for the fading sound of Raquel's footsteps, "the one you lost is dead Tobias."

She holds up a finger as I start to open my mouth. How does she know who...what I am?

"She is dead, but that doesn't mean she is gone. Death is not as all powerful as most believe. There are things even it cannot do. One of those things is keep soul mates apart.

"That is one of the truths of the universe. Soul mates find each other, regardless of the time and distance between them. However, you need to understand that she will be different than the girl you knew. Time and experience change us; that is another truth. Until you accept this fact though, you will never find her even if she is standing right next to you."

"How?" I manage around the tears I hadn't even realized I was crying.

"It won't be easy and I cannot promise that it will even be in this life that you find her again but someday you will. So live. Let her go and live."

I laugh. She's telling me to throw away everything we had. To abandon it like it was nothing. How am I supposed to do that?

"There is one thing I need you to do though," she says once I stop laughing.

"What more would you have me do? You've already told me to do the impossible," I run a hand through my hair and watch her, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Oh bitch, moan. You Animorphs made a career out of doing the impossible. I've no doubt you'll figure it out. Besides, what I need you to do isn't so difficult a task," she lifts the spoon she'd been stirring the pot with to her nose and gives it a sniff, "I want you to stay with our little warrior princess. She too is looking for her soul mate and needs your help to find him. That is why she changed you, though she doesn't yet realize it. Help her and she may help you in return."

There's a small commotion outside as Calli finishes speaking and Raquel pushes her way through the door. Despite myself I start laughing again. She looks like she was just wrestling an alligator in the mud. Actually, that may very well be what happened if my nose is correct. A small smile pulls at Calli's lips too and she waves me towards the door. Clearly I'm dismissed.

"What?" Raquel asks and she looks so confused that I double over. Maybe hanging around her won't be nearly as hard as I thought.

"Oh nothing," I grin, pulling a twig and several leaves from her hair as I walk by.

"What did I do?" I hear her ask Calli as the door shuts.

No, maybe this won't be so bad after all. I sigh and look up at the sky. For the first time, in a very long time, I feel hope.


	6. Dog Days

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

With one last leap the chase ends. The deer's legs buckle beneath my weight and my fangs tear out its throat before it even hits the ground. I howl my triumph and begin eating. If there's anything good about losing my wings it's hunting. Hunting as a wolf is much more fun than as a hawk...and considerably less dangerous.

Raquel trots up next to me and wrinkles her nose in disgust. A low rumble, the wolf equivalent of a chuckle vibrates in my throat and I return to my dinner. She snarls at me, apparently insulted by my laughing at her, and her head darts forward to snag a mouthful of the steaming meat. Hmm. Liver. Good choice.

For a second she glares at me, blood dripping from her jaws, before realizing what she just did. I didn't think it was possible, but she turns slightly green and gags. An instant later the meat she'd just swallowed comes back up and splatters on the ground.

Again I laugh and then gobble up what she'd just expelled. The human part of me is a little sickened by that but the wolf doesn't care; meat is meat. Raquel growls at me but doesn't attempt to eat again. I shake my head. Who ever heard of a vegetarian werewolf?

She may find it disgusting, but eating this way is my choice. Raquel's parents took me in because of what their daughter did, but I've been on my own for far to long to accept that much charity. As far as they're concerned I'm a thirteen year old boy...something I can't actually dispute now that I'm once again a nothlit. So they gave me clothes and a place to stay. They even enrolling me in school - I never did finish now that I think of it. But I drew the line at letting them feed me too.

When I told them this Raquel offered to help me hunt, though she'd made it clear she wouldn't eat with me. She wasn't interested in food, she just wanted to play. It had only been a week since I'd been changed and there was still enough hawk in me that I'd almost refused. I was used to hunting alone. But wolves are pack hunters and so I'd accepted her offer.

Almost instantly I'd regretted it. Although she is nearly a force of nature itself in a fight, as I'd seen when I first arrived, the subtleness required for hunting was as yet beyond her.

Raquel has been trained for the combat I've learned goes along with being a werewolf since she was little but she didn't yet know how to separate the girl from the wolf. She was werewolf. Period.

My experience morphing and being trapped - not to mention my own mixed heritage - have taught me that what we are isn't so black and white. I am human and hawk and Andalite and wolf. I am all of those things and none of them. There are times when that mixture is important but there are also times when we need to surrender to the individual components and trust their instincts.

After the third hunt she botched I'd lost patience and attacked her. She hadn't expected it at all. Nor had she expected that I would be able to thrash her as badly as I had; I was a week old, untrained wolf whereas she was a thirteen year old trained brawler. But all the training in the world is only worth so much in the face of experience. As good a fighter as she is, she'd never fought someone with the kind of actual combat experience that I have.

"This is not a game!" I snarled at her after we changed back, my stomach complaining loudly, "If you want to help then stop acting like a damn city brat in the woods! Otherwise leave!"

She cringed away from me a little, holding one of the cuts my claws had left on her arm closed while it healed. Still, she managed to glare at me.

"Oh relax," she snarled back, "we have plenty to eat at home. It's not like you have to hunt to survive."

"I will not be fed and looked after like someone's pet!" I roared and advanced on her. I don't know what she saw on my face but she'd backed away until I'd cornered her against a tree.

For a minute we stood there, glaring at one another, before we noticed the position we were in. We were both fully naked, our bodies practically touching. Her face turned red but she didn't move. I turned away.

"If you really want to help then let the wolf hunt. It knows how. You clearly don't," I changed back and took off to find a new trail to follow.

A week passed before she joined me again. Hunting solo wasn't that big a deal. Werewolves are faster and stronger than ordinary wolves. Combined with healing quicker, the benefits of pack hunting dwindle to little more than the desire for company. I ate well that week and was in a much better mood when Raquel began to accompany me again.

My mood improved even more when I realized that she'd spent the week away from me thinking over what I'd said. She'd begun to understand that a werewolf is not a single creature, but a potent combination of both wolf and human.

Most importantly though, she didn't get in my way when we went hunting anymore and I liked the company.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I toss and turn on my bed, unable to get comfortable. Honestly though, I haven't been able to sleep in nearly a week. Ever since that day in the woods. Even now simply thinking about it makes my face hot and drives off any thought of sleeping.

Shame and embarrassment and anger wash through me. Shame at being beaten so soundly - me, the one my pack calls Warrior Princess. Tobias hadn't even broken a sweat and I barely touched him. Embarrassment that he'd seen me naked. Modesty isn't a very big deal in the pack but I've known most of them all my life too. Tobias on the other hand is largely a stranger.

But mostly it's anger. Anger that I'd allowed a newly turned wolf to walk all over me like that. Anger at how I'd reacted to being that close to him without a stitch of clothing on. And anger that he'd barely spared me a glance before turning away. I may not be a supermodel or anything but I know I'm not ugly! Besides, what guy sees a naked girl and doesn't look?

I'm not sure why exactly but it's that last detail that bugs me the most.

Kicking off my blankets I head towards my window and open it. My eyes quickly adjust to the moonlight and I glare at Tobias where he's sleeping beneath a tree. He's a wolf now. Just as he'd refused to eat with us he'd also refused to sleep indoors or even as a human.

He cracks open one eye and looks at me for a moment before closing it again and going back to sleep. That...! Ugh! I look around for something to throw at him. Nothing is readily available though so I settle for slamming the window closed.

I climb back into bed and mash my pillow down over my head. I grit my teeth as hot tears sting my eyes.

Why do I feel like this?


	7. Ghosts of Christmas Past

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

A few flurries of snow drift towards the ground and an icy wind blows through the village. The weather is unseasonably cold for this area of the country and even these few snowflakes seem out of place.

One flake lands on my nose and I sneeze. Raquel laughs, her breath misting in the cold air, and then sneezes herself. Her teeth chatter and she rubs at her arms.

"Wow it's getting cold," she shivers and stands, "lets go inside while we can still count to twenty."

I shrug and stretch as I get to my feet. It's not that bad really - though a wolf is built to deal with the cold better than a human is. But I've been in much colder conditions before so this is nothing. Still, I follow her as she heads inside.

"Human in the house Tobias!" Lily calls as my nails click on the hardwood floor. Raquel's mother isn't very strict but that's one rule she's insisted on...especially when she realized I prefer my wolf form to my human one.

I growl in annoyance but pad off to the bathroom where I have a change of clothing stashed. The door opens as I'm pulling on my shirt and Alex brushes past me. He drops his pants and sits on the toilet, not paying me any attention at all. Although I've realized in the months since I've been here that modesty is not a big part of werewolf life, it's still a bit awkward. The only explanation I can come up with for this behavior is that, unlike morphing, a werewolf's changes can't include clothing.

Raquel follows right behind her brother, washing her hands before dinner. I look away, embarrassed as my thoughts return to the time I saw her naked shortly after I first came here. Most girls would have yelled and covered themselves, but she hadn't done anything but glare at me.

"Are you ok?" she looks at me while drying her hands, a puzzled expression on her face.

"Yeah, fine," I shake my head and wander out towards the dining room. The table is set elaborately - far too elaborately for just dinner - and is already covered in a number of dishes. What's with all the food? I know werewolves tend to have large appetites but this amount still seems a bit excessive.

Outside the snow has picked up and there's a light covering on the ground already. Something tickles the back of my mind, almost like a forgotten memory. The snow...there's something about it that should give me a hint as to what I'm missing.

"Dinner's in two minutes!" Lily yells from the kitchen and both Kyle and Alex run by to dive into their chairs.

Logan isn't far behind them, taking his seat at the head of the table. My eyes drop to the seats and the place settings, counting them. Six? Why six? Although, perhaps Calli is coming over tonight. She does make an appearance every so often.

"Pardon me," Raquel brushes by carrying another large plate of...something.

"Sorry," I say and step back, heading for the door. If they're about to eat I should leave. My stomach growls quietly; maybe I'll go find my own dinner. Behind me the sound of a plate being set down reaches my ears and a moment later someone touches my arm.

"You're not going to eat dinner?" Raquel asks quietly. I look at her. What makes tonight any different? For some reason though, she sounds...hurt?

"Why would I?" I ask slowly, turning towards her.

"Because it's..." she shakes her head and looks at me closer, "wait, you do know what day today is right?"

"Saturday?" the way her shoulders slump a little tells me I'm wrong. So what day is it? Thursday? No, that can't be right. There has to be something else I'm missing; something that makes today special that she expects me to eat with them.

"It's Christmas Eve," she whispers.

"What?" Christmas Eve? No way. It can't be. How would I have not...no, I know exactly how I wouldn't have known. It's not like I've kept track of many holidays these past fourteen years. There's only three dates I paid any attention to: Rachel's birthday, the anniversary of her death and our...

"Eat with us," she grasps my hand and tugs me towards the dinning room, "please."

Christmas Eve? In a home? With a family? I haven't had one of those since...has it really been that long? I can barely remember that night. Even so, I do remember how good it had felt, being with Rachel and her family; and it had felt more than good to know she considered me family.

Laughter reaches my ears from the dinning room and loneliness crashes down on me, my knees nearly buckling. I pull my hand from Raquel's warm grip and turn back towards the door. After so many years being alone I hadn't realized exactly how much I'd wanted something like this: a home, a family. But this isn't my home. And it's not my family.

I can't be here.

I open the door, pulling off my clothes even as I change. The cold wind assaults my body but I ignore it. My paws hit the ground and I surge forward like a sprinter from the starting blocks. Snow and ice bite at me but my long fur protects me from any real damage. Vaguely I hear Raquel calling after me but her voice is quickly swallowed by the storm.

The wind and snow render me nearly blind but I don't need to see. A single thought plays over and over in my head, guiding me towards my destination.

I want my family.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The door closes and nearly five minutes pass before my daughter slowly wanders back to the table. Although she's done a good job straightening out her face, I can still see signs that she had been crying. Of course, both Logan and I had also been able to hear her too.

My mate watches her as well and starts to open his mouth to say something. I quickly kick his leg and he narrows his eyes at me.

"No," I say wordlessly and give a slight shake of my head. This isn't a discussion the boys need to hear...nor is it one for tonight.

Soon we're going to have to talk to Raquel though. She needs to be more careful around this wolf of hers. She already has a few scars from him after all. Not that I think it will do any good - if what Calli said is actually true and no one would ever catch me betting against her. Still, we need to try.

Dinner passes quietly, though Raquel does little more than push food around her plate - very unusual for her. Perhaps I'll have to say something to her tonight after all.

She excuses herself, having barely eaten anything, and her footsteps echo through the house as she heads upstairs. After a minute I get up myself.

"You boys clean up here," I say as I follow my daughter, "and I better not hear a single thing break."

Despite my threat I'm sure I'll have a few less plates when I return. Kyle and Alex are already bickering amidst clanking silverware and bowls.

"You know something about that boy, don't you," Logan says from behind me, catching my arm as I start towards the stairs, "I don't like it when you keep secrets from me."

I shake my head and smile back at him. He's not angry, just worried. Worried that his family or his pack might be in danger.

"Maybe, though I'm not sure," I shrug, "but regardless it's not my secret to share."

"Lily," he presses and, pulling me into his arms, kisses me as if he might be able to seduce the answer out of me. Any other time he'd probably be successful, but right now I'm too worried about Raquel.

"No," I push him away, "you'll know when he's ready to tell you. You don't have to be too worried though. The only danger that boy poses is to our daughter's heart."

"You say that like it's supposed to make me feel better," he growls.

"Just let me handle it for now," I kiss him on the cheek.

He doesn't say anything and lets me go. Still, I can feel his eyes on me as I head upstairs.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I stare out my window at the blizzard raging outside. Part of me is worried about Tobias being out in that all by himself but another part of me is angry. Angry at him for being such a jerk. Angry that he couldn't even sit down with us for one night. Angry that he's on his way back to...back to her.

Mostly though I'm just angry at myself. Why am I letting a boy make me this miserable?

My ears barely register my door opening before my mother's arms wrap around me in a hug. I lean back into her and she squeezes me a bit tighter.

"Want to talk about it?" she asks after a few minutes.

I shake my head. I'm not really in the mood right now.

"Mind if I talk then?"

Again I shake my head. Not that I really have any choice. She's going to talk whether I want her to or not.

"I want to tell you a story about a boy I knew when I wasn't much older than you - quite a few years before I met your father. When I was about sixteen I had a friend named Josef and I liked him very much. He was human though and so I knew any relationship would be difficult at best - especially since he didn't know what I was.

"After several years I finally worked up the nerve to tell him - to offer to change him so we could be together. Before I could though, a war broke out and he was sent off to fight.

"We kept in touch the whole time and by some miracle he came home without ever getting seriously hurt. I was so happy. It had been a long time and I couldn't wait to see him again.

"But he had changed. He wouldn't look me in the eye anymore; barely spoke; never laughed. At first I thought it was just some sort of fatigue as he tried to get used to being home again. So I waited.

"For three years I waited, but nothing changed. Finally I realized that even though Josef hadn't been seriously hurt physically, his mind had been broken. You see, Josef came back, but the boy I'd known had been killed during the war."

"What are you saying?" I ask when it seems like she's done- though I'm afraid of what the answer might be. She doesn't answer right away. Outside the storm continues to howl and the trees shudder back and forth. Somewhere out there is... My mother rubs my arms, smoothing out the gooseflesh that forms at that thought.

"I know you like Tobias but from what you've told me and from what I've found out, he was a soldier before he was even your age. He's not so different than Josef was; he has scars. Here, and here," she touches first my forehead and then places her hand over my heart.

"But that was a long time ago," I shake my head, "shouldn't he have gotten over all that?"

"If the injuries were only physical then yes he probably would have gotten over them by now," she says quietly.

"But?" I don't understand what she's saying.

"We heal faster when we're younger - things like cuts and scraps are often gone before we even realize what happened," I can feel her smile as she brushes her fingers along a small scar I know is on the back of my neck, "but injuries to the mind and to the heart can only be softened by experience...something a child doesn't have. Thus the damage they do is far more sever and much longer lasting."

"So I should just give up?" my voice cracks as I say that and tears leak from my eyes. It hurts even thinking about doing such a thing.

"Not yet," she kisses my cheek and wipes my tears away, "but you need to understand that he may be beyond help. And I don't want you to waste your life on him if he is."

I turn and bury my face in my mother's chest so she won't see me cry, though I'm sure she knows anyway. Waste my life on him? My life would be a waste without him.

"Shh baby," she croons , stroking my hair, "shhh. You're going to be ok; I'm sure of it. You'll figure this out."

That's not the problem though; not really. I already know what I have to do. The real problem is that I don't know how to go about doing it.

After all, how can I fight a ghost?

**x-x-x-x-x**

It came close but by running nearly non-stop I made it. My paws are bloody and I'm exhausted but I made it. Slowly I change back, my body too tired to register the pain. For a moment my knees wobble and threaten to dump me to the ground but I manage to stay upright.

Finding a last bit of strength I shove aside the large rock I'd used to hide the entrance to the cave containing my three greatest treasures.

Nestled within a small hollow along the wall is a small, white china urn; Rachel's ashes. Next to the urn, in two ordinary picture frames are the pages of my father's will.

I slip inside the cave and pull the rock back, leaving a little space for some light to get in.

"Hi," I say quietly to the remains of my family. I've come here a lot over the years, whenever I felt lonely. Always seeing these few things has made me feel better; reminded me that I wasn't always alone and never really would be.

My fingers drift over to the third of my treasures - another picture frame - and rest lightly on the glass like they have so many times before. Unlike the frames with my father's will, this one contains two things, arguably more important to me than anything else I poses. A small document and a single picture of Rachel and I on that day...

It was an important day for us, though we don't look like we'd done anything more than catch a movie. She still looked magnificent of course, she always did, even if we had been working on a budget a fraction of what she'd been used to spending on herself alone.

The whole thing had been her idea, not that I was complaining; I'd imagined it often enough myself. But I'd always thought it was something that would happen after the war - it hadn't even occurred to me that there would be no 'after the war' for us. But she hadn't wanted to wait and so we'd gotten it done quickly and privately. Once the war was over, I'd made her promise me, we'd do it right. Although she wouldn't admit it, I knew that that's how she really wanted it.

No. I wasn't alone. I'd made myself a family to replace the one I'd never known. That memory always served to drive away the loneliness I've felt over these many years.

But not this time.

Despite how happy I am to be with my family on Christmas, this time I just feel more alone than ever.


	8. Mixed Signals

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

Tobias didn't return until a couple of days after the new year. There was no call; no announcement. I woke up one morning and he was there, asleep beneath his tree.

"Tobias!" I yell from my window, feeling for all the world like he'd never left. Just like that, the fog of depression I've been in since he took off evaporates. For the first time in days, I smile.

He opens his eyes, yawns and looks at me, his jaws cracking open slightly in a wolfish grin.

My heart skips a beat and I hurry back into my room to get ready for the day. I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. Trying to save time, I yank a brush through my hair while gutting my closet for something to put on. How is it that I don't have a single decent thing to wear?

A few more minutes and I give up. Nothing, nothing and more nothing. It would seem I need to go shopping sometime in the near future. I grimace at that thought; I hate shopping. To many noisy, stinky humans in one place. Just thinking about it is starting to give me a headache. The last time I went shopping was just after my wolf blood had awoken - a lot earlier than was normal to be sure - and my poor nose had been so ravaged by the most God-awful combination of scents that I couldn't smell anything for a week after that.

I shove that thought aside though. Tobias is back and I'm not going to let anything darken my mood today. One last look and I settle for jeans and a sweater that at least smell like they've been washed in the last month. It's nothing spectacular but It'll have to do. At least it's cute.

I'd been trying to hurry but apparently I wasn't fast enough. By the time I make my way out into the cold I find Piotr and two of his friends hurling snowballs at Tobias. To his credit, he's not paying them any attention. Instead his eyes are locked on me, even as the cold projectiles rain down around him.

"Hey!" I yell, clenching my fists. Without waiting for a response, I charge the three older boys.

Two of them see me coming and scatter. Piotr just stands there, a stupid grin on his face. So he thinks he's funny does he? Well we'll just see how funny he finds himself once I get through with him! I start to pull my fist back when a dirty blond blur slams into Piotr, knocking him into a snow drift.

Tobias chuckles and walks towards me. He grabs the bottom of my sweater in his jaws and tugs lightly. I glance back over at Piotr, watching as he struggles to pull himself from the drift. Tobias growls at me and tugs on my sweater again.

"Fine," I grumble and let him drag me back to the house. Once inside he lets go and disappears into the bathroom to change. I wait outside the door, trying to calm my nerves. My nervousness seems foolish though and as soon as he steps out I throw my arms around him in a tight hug.

I take a deep breath, inhaling his scent. A part of my mind that hadn't been fully convinced he was back grows silent as his familiar smell fills my nose. Without meaning to, I smile. I've missed this.

"I wasn't sure if you were coming back," I say quietly once I'm one hundred percent certain it's him.

"Neither was I," he replies after a minute of silence. Another minute passes before he slowly returns my hug. He doesn't hold on long though and I sigh as he pulls away. But before he manages to break contact completely I grab his hand. For a moment I'm afraid he won't allow me even this but he doesn't let go.

"I'm not complaining, but why did you come back?" I ask as I drag him to the couch and sit with him, "I mean, my dad would have let you go - he knows you won't expose us."

He doesn't answer right away. Instead his eyes drop to our joined hands and his forehead scrunches up as if he's thinking real hard.

Around us the house is empty and quiet. Both my parents are working and my brothers are off at school. Tobias and I should be there too but he's been away and I just haven't had the energy. My grades are good enough that my parents haven't minded me missing a few days and obviously they couldn't say anything to Tobias...

"I was...lonely," he says at last, "which is odd considering that's why I left in the first place."

"What do you mean?"

"Seeing you and your family the other night made me want to be with my own family," he says after a minute, "but when I got there I realized...no, I remembered that my family is gone."

I can't help but stare at him. How do you forget something like that?

"I'd gotten used to being alone," he answers, apparently realizing what I'd been thinking, "and it's easy to forget what you don't have."

"But surely...you...how?" I finally settle on. He laughs his humorless laugh.

"I'm thirty years old Raquel and I've been more or less alone for about twenty seven of those years."

"How can that be?" I don't understand how someone could be alone all their life like that, "where was your family all that time?"

He shakes his head and for a moment I don't think he's going to answer.

"I never had a family like you and of the four people I did have, half are dead and the other half I haven't heard from in a long time."

Again he grows quiet and his thumb begins to absently stroke the back of my hand. A shiver runs through me at the feel.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and he looks up, clearly surprised.

"For?'

"Thrusting you into this," I gesture around us with my free hand, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Don't worry about it," he shrugs dismissively, "worse has happened."

"I'm serious!" how can he make light of me turning his world upside down like this?

"I know you are," he replies quietly, his eyes holding mine, "but so am I. Don't worry about it. I'm quite adaptable and I've been through much worse than what you did to me."

I shift and look away but he continues to watch me, unblinking. Fate, how does he stare like that?

"Tobias?" I can feel my face heat beneath his stare.

"Yes?"

"If you...if you want, you can think of me as your family," I stutter, my mouth suddenly feeling like it's full of cotton. A smile slowly forms on his lips and he laughs.

"I thought that goes without saying?" he nudges my leg with his foot, "doesn't you biting me technically make you my mom?"

His...mom? My face gets even hotter and he laughs louder. I fight back tears; that hadn't been what I meant at all. His mom? That jerk! I'll show him 'mom'!

Before he has a chance to react I push him backwards, pin him down and kiss him as hard as I can. He stops laughing immediately. I wait impatiently for him to respond; for his mouth to open, his arms to wrap around me tightly. But they don't. Instead I feel his body stiffen as I lay on top of him.

Opening my eyes I find him staring past me, his mouth set in a tight line. Aren't you supposed to close your eyes when someone kisses you? Maybe I was too rough? I press my lips against his again, gently this time and watch for a reaction. He doesn't even blink. What's going on here? Am I that bad of a kisser?

"Tobias?" I whisper. Maybe I'm not doing this right.

"Are you done?" he asks and I stare at him. Surely I heard wrong. There's no way that that could be anger in his voice. Was I really that bad?

"Tobias what did I...?"

"Are you done?" he asks again, his voice quieter. He is angry, there's no mistaking it. But why?

I nod slowly and he grabs me by the shoulders. Without another word he lifts me off him and stands. I squirm a bit and continue to stare at him. When did he get this strong? Before I can contemplate that question though he dumps me back on the couch and stalks out.

For several minutes I watch the spot where he disappeared out the door, my mind slowly decoding what just happened. My chest gets tight and my eyes begin to burn. Tears trickle down my cheeks and a quiet sob escapes my lips.

I've just been rejected.

**x-x-x-x-x**

What was she thinking, kissing me like that? I storm into the woods, too angry to even change. I thought we had been doing fine, talking as we were. So why did she have to go and ruin it like that? I kick a rock buried in the snow and yelp as I find it to be much larger than I'd thought.

Ugh. I feel dirty. I mean, I'm old enough to be her father! I know that there are places in the world where a girl her age would already be married to a man even older than I - and probably pregnant too - but that's not how I was raised. I'm also fairly certain she wasn't raised like that either.

A cold wind whistles through the trees and I stiffen as it brings the scent of another wolf to my nose. Damn it all, I'm not in the mood for this right now.

"Piotr," the name is out of my mouth before I even turn towards him. He's not twenty feet away - a tribute to my anger that I hadn't noticed him sooner. He glares at me, none-to-happy himself. I just smirk - he can't hold a candle to a hawk's glare.

"Who do you think you are?" he snarls.

Well that's a loaded question if I ever heard one. Answer: Andalite, Human, Hawk, Wolf, ex-Animorph, Andalite bandit, son of Elfangor, war hero, war criminal, murderer of the Mercora, Rachel's...take your pick.

I don't answer though, he wouldn't know what I was talking about anyway.

"You're nobody, you hear me?" he continues, "so stay the hell away from Raquel! She belongs to me!"

I laugh. That statement alone shows how delusional this kid is. The idea that a girl like Raquel 'belongs' to anyone is absurd. A girl like her doesn't belong to anyone, she has people who belong to her. At any rate, she obviously missed this little memo of his if the way she kissed me is any indication.

Bah, back to that again. I can't say I enjoyed her attacking me like that but what makes it infinitely worse is that I hadn't disliked it either.

Truthfully I'm still not sure what's really worse: that I didn't stop her or that I came dangerously close to bending her over the back of the couch and...holy shit what am I thinking? No, no, I know exactly what I'm thinking: I'm a guy and she's a very attractive girl...and it's been a really long time since...Damnit now I feel like some sort of pedophile. I wonder if this is how Rachel felt when it began to be obvious that she was physically older than me?

"Hey! Don't you dare ignore me boy!" Piotr shouts. Oh, right. He was threatening me. Can't say I'm really worried about that...

"Boy?" I raise an eyebrow at him. I'm old enough to be his father too, now that I think about it.

"You don't like 'boy'? Ok, how about 'bastard'," he spits.

"Nah, my parents were married. Wanna try again?" He closes his mouth, apparently having no reply to that, "No? Well then let's get a few things straight _boy_. You don't like me. I get that and frankly I don't care. I'm too old to be bothered by some teenage brat trying to start a pissing contest. Next, Raquel doesn't belong to me and she certainly doesn't belong to you, so get your head out of your ass because it'll be a cold day in hell before you win over anyone with that attitude. And finally, in case you haven't figured it out yet, Raquel is the one who changed me. It stands to follow that she and I will be around one another quite often. So grow a pair and deal with it."

Piotr stares and for a minute I'm not sure he got all that. But I can see the steam coming from his ears as he slowly processes it. I think he'll understand in an hour or two.

Regardless, he's no threat. All he is is an annoyance: an overstuffed pigeon who thinks that just because he's bigger than everyone else also makes him better - a mindset that no one has ever bothered to correct.

While he thinks, I make my escape before he decides to attack me. I'd kick his ass but I don't really want to be bothered right now.

I wander deeper into the woods, the sounds of civilization fading. My anger at Raquel has cooled considerably - she's a teenage girl after all. A teenage girl who obviously likes me and doesn't seem to understand that while I'm physically the same age as her, mentally I'm quite a bit older.

No, I'm not angry at her - never was if I'm being honest. Really it's myself I'm angry at. I'm angry that I'd been tempted to betray Rachel...if only for a second. How had it even gone that far?

Whenever I'm with Raquel, though, I don't feel the pain I've felt since Rachel died. There isn't even the numb sensation either. It's more like the pain was never there to begin with.

"No," I whisper, dread turning my blood to ice. I can't be forgetting about her. It's not possible. But that's exactly what seems to be happening. The more time I spend with Raquel, the less I think about Rachel.

I stop and clear my mind. Taking a deep breath, I form a picture of Rachel. Her image comes easily enough: smiling, sapphire eyes, corn silk hair that fell midway down her back; slightly crazy, devil-may-care grin; infectious, self mocking laugh. The soft curves and turns of her body; her scent; her taste. All of it is still there.

Despite myself I grin like a boy who just scored a date with the prettiest girl in school. I had really. For reasons I still don't fully understand, she'd been mine. If only briefly.

But even as I stand lost in my daydream, her image begins to blur and shift - as if she's morphing a human who roughly looks like her. It only takes me a second to realize that that's exactly what's happening and that I already know who she's becoming.

Her hair curls and shortens till it's shoulder length and then darkens to the color of cooked corn. Her eyes take on a duller blue - almost grayish - color and her curves shrink into the body of a younger woman. Seconds after it began the picture I'd imagined has become Raquel.

"No!" I shout and force Rachel's image to return. She's only back for a moment before she begins to morph once more. Over and over I try to hold her image in my head, but each time she just morphs again. Always turning into Raquel.

I slip to the forest floor, clutching my head. I will remember. I will remember. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! I continue on, drawing her image in my mind and holding on for as long as I can before she changes.

But I was once an Animorph, and I've been in enough losing battles to recognize when I'm once again fighting one.


	9. Compromise

Sorry for the delay in this. I actually have about 4 chapters written right now. I'm just lazy when it comes to typing them up (I blame my recent addiction to Dark Souls - great game for a masochist btw).

Oh and I'm bumping up the rating for some mild language use.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I sigh. My daughter hasn't said half a dozen words all night. When I got home and my nose told me that Tobias was back I'd expected Raquel's bad mood to be gone. Far from it though. If anything it seems worse than before.

Although I'm sure that boy has a lot to do with it I wonder if perhaps it isn't just her time of the month? She hasn't mentioned anything to me and I haven't smelled anything different about her. Still, I suppose it's possible. Even if it's true though, I don't recall ever being this moody when I was her age - my time of the month or no.

Without a word she gets up from the table, her dinner untouched, and heads for the front door. Kyle watches her go and then grabs for her plate. I smack his hand away and take the uneaten food into the kitchen to wrap for later.

"No one better touch that," I glare at my boys, "assuming you want to eat for the rest of the month yourselves."

Logan won't touch it anyway, but Kyle and Alex are another story entirely.

"I take it this has something to do with Tobias?" Logan catches me in the hallway. This is starting to become a habit.

"I'd bet on it," I shake my head at the same time he does. We both laugh and then sigh.

"I'm going to talk to him, see if I can't figure out what's going on. You're going to speak to Raquel?"

"Yeah, although I'm mostly going to try and get her to eat something," I grimace. My daughter has already dropped several pounds - something very bad for a werewolf of her age, "just when you talk to Tobias, keep in mind that this is a weird situation for him."

"Lily," he shakes his head, "Raquel comes first."

I stare after him as he returns to the dinning room to check on the boys, more than a little hurt that he'd suggest I'm not thinking of what's best for our daughter. Of course Raquel comes first, but with how she feels about Tobias, hurting him will only hurt her as well.

Once again I sigh...something else I've been doing a lot lately. This whole situation has me worried. I'm just afraid that no matter what happens, my daughter is going to end up hurt.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Are you and Raquel fighting again?"

I look up to see Alex dropping to the ground next to me, a serious expression on his face. I almost laugh at how comical he looks but manage to hold it in. A six year old should never try to act serious.

"You shouldn't fight with her," he continues without waiting for an answer, not that I can answer really, "it makes her sad."

He stops, distracted by a bird chattering away in a bush. A small breeze blows some snow from the trees and their branches groan in protest.

"I don't like it when she's sad," he remembers me once more, "so stop making her sad!"

He nods and stands, still trying to look serious. Again I manage to hold in a laugh, but Logan doesn't bother and his chuckles reach my ears.

I look up, startled. When did he arrive?

"Thanks big guy," he ruffles his son's hair, "but I got this. Get back inside."

The boy beams up at his father and takes off in a dead sprint for the house, twenty feet away. Skidding, he tumbles forward and disappears into the open door.

"We need to talk," Logan says, turning towards me, "so get changed."

I grumble a bit but do as I'm told. I've actually been waiting for this conversation since coming here. I'm just surprised its taken Logan this long to get around to it.

Once I'm changed and dressed he climbs into his truck and motions for me to join him. Fantastic; I wonder if he has a shotgun in there too? I get in anyway and try not to jump when the engine roars to life.

We drive in silence for a long time, the only sound the hum of the car and the wind whipping by the old vehicle. I stare out the window, waiting. He'll say whatever it is he wants to say when he's ready.

Finally he pulls off onto the side of the road and shuts the engine off. I suppose calling this the middle of nowhere is cliché, but that's exactly where we seem to be.

"Look son, I realize I'm not your father so I don't want to lecture you but I need you to understand me," he begins at last, "I know this wasn't something you asked for and I don't know why my daughter changed you. I am sorry for that though. For that reason I offered you a home, an offer you are free to refuse now that I know you're not a danger to anyone.

"I actually realized that a few months ago. But the reason I haven't tossed you out is because, for some reason or another, Raquel seems to want you around. Although I'll be the first to admit that I don't know you all that well, from what I've seen, she could do a lot worse than be around you. I don't expect you to understand this, but I want her happy above all else.

"However, you are hurting her with your inability to make up your damn mind about who she is to you. So that's what this is. There's the door. Get out and don't come back until you reach a decision. Actually, scratch that. If your decision is one that will make her happy, you're welcome back in my home. If it isn't then I don't want to see you again.

"If what you want is to be a part of her life though, you damn well better be a part of it. None of this half-assed, 'here today, gone tomorrow' shit."

He hands me a knapsack that I can wear while human or wolf, reaches across me to open the door, and shoves me out. Closing the door behind me, he starts the truck again and takes off while I sit in the dirt, stunned by his actions. Whatever I'd been expecting, this wasn't it.

I stand and brush myself off, taking in my surroundings as I do. The air is somewhat warm, but very damp and the ground is fairly squishy beneath a layer of slush. With a sight I strip out of my clothes and stuff them into my bag.

Of all the places he could have left me, why a swamp?

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Raquel, eat something," my mother says. I look down at my dinner but I'm just not hungry. She sighs as I continue to push food around my plate.

"I'm going to bed," I whisper and push myself away from the table. Distantly I hear my parents start to argue but I ignore them. Besides, I already know what they're arguing about and I don't care.

I flop onto my bed and bury my face into my pillow, trying to shut out the world. It doesn't work though and a familiar scent drifts into my nose. My head shoots up before I even register who the smell belongs to and my eyes instantly zero in on the figure sitting by the window.

"Thought that would get your attention," he chuckles, his eyes holding mine.

"You're back," I whisper and smile, despite myself, when he nods. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

For a few minutes we just watch one another; each waiting for the other to speak.

"I think we need to talk," he says at last in a quiet voice, "but would you like to go for a run with me first?"

Go for a run? So he's leaving and doesn't want to be around someone who might attack him when he tells me. He starts to turn and reach for the window.

"No," I say as he grabs the latch.

"No?" he turns back to me, confusion on his face.

"No," I repeat, a bit more forcefully, "say what you want to here, now. I'm not in the mood for games."

He looks at me closer, his confusion having turned into surprise. He shakes his head and rubs his hand over his face. For a minute I think he's just going to shrug, say 'whatever' and walk out and I have to squash the panic that burns through me with that thought.

"Fine," he does shrug, "here works too. I just thought you'd want to go someplace with fewer ears."

That almost breaks my resolve. Do I really want my parents listening to this conversation? I can hear that they've stopped arguing downstairs. Certainly they know Tobias is back and that I'm talking to him.

"Just spit it out already," I growl, annoyed that he's pretending I don't already know what he's going to say.

Downstairs I hear a floorboard creak, followed by my mother breathing a quiet curse. I ignore her and get up to close my door loudly. Not that it'll help any but at least they'll be aware that I know they're spying on us.

"Alright," he murmurs, so low that I can barely hear it from ten feet away, and then moves to stand in front of me.

My heart leaps at his closeness and I clamor to get it under control. A bemused grin slides across his face and I nearly deck him. If he thinks anything about this is funny...He ignores my clenched fist though and continues on in a voice so low that I find myself leaning closer still to even hear it.

"You know who I am and what I was, correct?"

I nod, my eyes not leaving his as I wait for the hammer to drop.

"Then you know how much older than you I am, as well as who I lost in the war?"

Again I nod. Here it comes.

"So you understand why I'm hesitant to start something with you."

"I get it," I whisper back and my voice cracks, "I'm too young and I look too much like...like her. And that's why you won't be with me."

So there it is. Who am I kidding though? I knew from the moment I realized who he was that it would turn out this way. I do my best to hold back my tears but a few leak out anyway.

"Hey," he brushes my tears from my cheeks and forces me to look at him again, "I said hesitant, not unwilling."

Wait...what? I must be hearing things. He couldn't have just...

"What did you say?" I can scarcely hide the hope in my voice. Surely I heard wrong though.

"I'm not promising anything, but if you still want, we'll give it a shot and see," he smiles at me, "just please don't attack me like you did the other day. You surprised the hell outta me and I came very close to doing something we both would've regretted."

"So you're saying you'll stay...with me?" Fate I must sound like such an idiot! But I'm still trying to wrap my head around...I rerun his words, looking for some other meaning to them that I might be missing but I can't find one, "you'll stay with me?"

"If you want me to," he chuckles slightly, "I'll stay with you."

Answer him! I scream silently to myself. But my mouth has gone dry and I seem to have forgotten how to breathe. Unable to form words, I settle for nodding.

He smiles again and holds out his hand.

"So how about that run?"

Still incapable of speech, I take it.


	10. Date

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

Tobias is waiting for me when I finally emerge from school. I had to stay after to talk to my advisor about some honors and AP classes I'm taking. Nothing super important really, just an update on what was going on.

"You look excited for someone who had to stay late," he says, giving me a small hug.

"Do I?" my words come out as an explosion that fogs the air and I hug him back.

"Yes," he laughs, his hand dropping to find mine, "so are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?"

"Guess," I grin at him. I'm certain he already knows what I'm so happy about; even if today is the first he's commented on it. I've been bouncing off the walls all week.

He falls silent and I scoot a little closer as the cold wind shakes snow off the trees. It's been another unseasonably cold winter that has had a lot of older people bitching about the "wacko's with their global warming". The first time I heard that I made the mistake of trying to explain what global warming really was. I'm not really sure what angered them more: being told they didn't know what they were talking about or that they were being told this by a fourteen year old girl. Either way they'd glared at me until I left.

"We really need to spring for a car," Tobias grumbles, his breath fogging the air as he pulls me a bit closer still, "walking five miles in the spring and fall is fine but this is crazy."

I try to hold back a laugh. Try and fail miserably. My body shakes and tears leak from my eyes, freezing on my face. A couple of minutes pass before I start getting control of myself but Tobias' scowl sends me off in another fit.

"What's so funny?" he growls, clearly not amused. I just laugh harder.

"You sound like an old man," I finally manage to say, my sides aching, "next you're going to be telling me stories of how you used to walk ten miles to school in raging blizzards...uphill both ways."

"I am an old man," he continues to gripe, "or at least a middle aged one."

"Mmm...that may be," I poke his arm, "but as far as anyone else is concerned you're fourteen. And I really am fourteen so neither of us are getting our license anytime soon.

The wind picks up again and I shiver in spite of how warm I feel walking so close to him. If only I didn't have any homework tonight, then I could have left my book bag at school, changed and run home. Doing that would be much quicker...and not nearly as cold.

"Think we could convince your mom to drive us out to pick up our things if we run the rest of the way?" Tobias wonders aloud, giving the woods a longing look.

"I was just thinking that myself," I giggle and smile at him, "but no. She'd make us go back and get them ourselves."

"Speaking of running...we haven't done that in a while," he grins at me, "tonight?"

"Depends on when we finish homework and dinner," I remind him. We don't really have to run tonight. His idea of 'awhile' when it comes to running is anything over two days.

"We could just hunt," I can already feel him vibrating with excitement at that thought but I'm going to have to squash that.

"Uh-uh," I shake my head, my long hair swishing nosily against my coat, "we're eating in tonight."

"Why? It's not Tuesday or Thursday."

I sigh. Maybe he doesn't know why I'm so excited after all. It's so irritating how horrible he is with dates. Is it really too much to ask that he remember more than two special days a year? Geez, all last year I had to harangue him to remember the holidays and he still nearly forgot everyone of them! Of course, this is also the guy who can't even remember his own birthday. I'd just decided to use the day he awoke after I bit him, once it became clear that he had no idea when it actually was. I sigh again.

A car drives by slowly on the unplowed road as we turn towards the village and for a moment I think about flagging it down to ask for a lift. But we're almost home anyway and as annoying as Tobias is being, I don't really want our walk to end just yet.

"Relax," he says quietly, reaching over to brush a few strands of hair from my eyes, "you're too easy to tease. Of course I know what day it is today."

"Sure you do," I grumble, not looking at him. If he has even the slightest clue what today is I'll give up being a vegetarian.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The house is quiet save the low bubbling of several pots on the stove. Somehow or another, Raquel had been able to convince her parents to take her brothers out for the evening with the promise of not being back for a few hours. I'm not sure how she managed that but I won't complain...assuming I live through dinner.

"So is this going to be edible?" I ask as she stirs the contents of the pots.

She glares at me and I go back to setting the table. I still don't think she believes that I actually know what today is. If I hadn't before, the very fact that she's cooking would have quickly clued me in.

Raquel cooking is one of those rare and spectacular sights. One that we luckily don't see too often. I've never been to one of those dinner and a show deals before, but there's no way any of them could be half as entertaining as the first time I saw Raquel attempt to cook. At the time I hadn't understood why the house had cleared out when she offered to make dinner, but that quickly changed. The mess she made in the process of creating...something...was nothing short of epic. I'm still not sure exactly what it was she made. I've eaten road kill before, so I'm not exactly squeamish, but even I wasn't about to try...whatever it was.

Thankfully, Lily had the foresight to bring us back some McDonalds, though she made it very clear that we were to clean up the mess in the kitchen. That is one ordeal I don't look forward to repeating - I've seen battles that were cleaner.

Tonight though Raquel has managed to keep the damage limited to two pots, a wooden spoon and the area immediately surrounding the stove. Whatever she's making even smells good so maybe there's hope that we won't be having fast food tonight. I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

"Grab the plates for me," she says and I watch as she begins to ladle spaghetti directly from one pot and onto the plates. For a moment I weight the benefits of telling her she's supposed to drain the whole pot into a colander first. In the end though I decide not to - it's not like it'll really hurt anything.

Next comes the sauce, which is what I've been smelling. Not homemade of course - not that I've ever had homemade to know the difference. From what I understand though it's a long process that involves a lot of time and patience: neither of which Raquel has.

I give her a puzzled look when I see the meatballs in the sauce. That's very unusual.

"Vegetarian," she says before my thoughts get me too far. Ah. Of course.

I carry both plates to the table and we sit. She doesn't make any move to touch her food though and watches me instead. It would seem I'm to be the guinea pig in this little experiment. If this is going to become a regular occurrence then I really need to look into getting a will drawn up.

Lifting my fork I give the pasta a little poke. It seems harmless enough - it hasn't risen off the plate to attack me at least. And it does smell good. Well, I guess you only live once. I twirl some of the noodles onto my fork and take a bite.

I'm not sure what's more surprising: that I'm not gagging or the fact that it tastes...good actually. The sauce is a bit watery and the spaghetti's a little overcooked but it's definitely edible.

I go to take a bite out of a meatball but my teeth won't cut through it. A cold sensation fills my mouth as I realize what's happened: they're still frozen. I suppose two out of three ain't bad.

"How is it?" she asks and I'm surprised yet again: she's nervous.

"I'd say it's your best attempt yet," I smile at her and abandon the meatball for more spaghetti, "though we're going to need to defrost the meatballs if we actually want to eat them."

"Damnit," she curses, "why do I always forget something?"

She tries some herself and I have to make a serious effort not to laugh at the face she makes. Apparently she's not all that impressed by it.

"You don't have to force yourself to eat," she sighs, dropping her fork, "even I know it's no good."

"You're too hard on yourself," I say around a mouthful, "it's no five star meal but I can think of a number of much worse I've had...and not many better for that matter."

'Such as?" she rolls her eyes, clearly not believing me.

"Road kill, dirt and human blood are the first that come to mind, though I know the list is much longer," I remember a number of other things but I decide the dinner table isn't really the place to mention them.

She stares at me for a minute and I can practically hear her mentally repeating what I just said. I continue eating, giving the meatballs an experimental poke every so often to see if they've thawed enough. It looks like we'll just have to microwave em.

"Hey...do you smell something burning?" she asks, sniffing the air.

"Huh?" I inhale, "now that you mention it...you did turn the stove off right? And took the pots off?"

A look of panic flashes in her eyes and she bolts towards the kitchen. That would be a no. I follow and find that the mess she'd already made has nearly doubled in size. The pasta water has boiled over and left a clump of noodles scalded to the bottom of the pot. The sauce on the other hand has largely splashed all over the place, though what little that remained in the pot is now burned to the bottom. Well, two out of four then. Still an improvement.

"Maybe it would be easier to buy your mother new pots," I say as we dump the two in the sink, "at very least it would save our arms from falling off trying to clean those."

She growls in response, her hands gripping the edge of the sink tightly. The metal gives a low moan in protest as her fingers dig into it. I wince; that's going to be interesting to explain.

Gently I reach over and pry her fingers loose before she does too much damage. The pots will be easy enough to replace. The sink, not so much.

I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly while she calms down. Slowly her skin stops rolling from a withheld change and she slumps against me, drained.

"Sorry," she mutters against my chest, "I'm ok now...not gonna break anything."

"I wouldn't have let you anyway," I give her one last squeeze and let go, "lets get this place cleaned up. Then I'll see if we don't have any popcorn and we'll find a movie to watch. Sound good?"

"You're really not going to say anything about dinner?" she gives me a wary look.

"Not like I can cook," I shrug, "about all I can do is a PB&J...though now that I think of it, I do make a mean Cup'A'Noodle soup."

A smile slowly creeps across her face and, with a shake of her head we set about repairing what damage to the kitchen that we can.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Anything good on?" I ask as I plop down onto the couch. Thankfully the mess I'd made in the kitchen hadn't taken too long to clean. We hadn't even attempted the two pots though. Instead they're soaking in the sink. Maybe we'll give them a go later, but I think Tobias was right when he suggested just getting new ones.

"Nothing much," he passes me the remote and offers the bowl of popcorn.

I take a handful and begin flipping through the channels. Nothing, nothing, seen it, not interested. Bah, why is it there's...wait a sec, this looks promising.

"The Princess Bride?" Tobias laughs before I can ask if he wants to watch it, "I haven't seen that in...hell, over twenty years?"

"Oh sure, rub it in," I grumble; as if I'm not already aware that he's more than twice my age, "is it any good?"

"Same guys who did 'Men in Tights'," he says. What the hell is that supposed to mean? And why did he watch a movie with a title like 'Men in Tights' in the first place? I hit the record button anyway...it sounds like something Kyle might enjoy.

"So what does that mean?" I ask when it's obvious he isn't going to explain further.

"You've never seen 'Men in Tights'?" he stares at me, mouth open.

"It sounds like a bad porno," I shake my head and grab some more popcorn.

"'Robin Hood, Men in Tights' is not a...well there is that one scene..." he trails off and I'm fairly certain that I don't want to know, "I can't believe you've never seen that movie. You lead a very sheltered childhood didn't you?"

"Yes I was coddled and sheltered and hid away from the world. Now are you going to shut up so I can watch this - being as you don't seem terribly interested in answering my question," I throw some popcorn at him and stretch out so my legs are laying across his lap.

We watch in silence for a while, save the crunching of popcorn, but I'm only half paying attention. Its been a long day and I'm tired. Still, I notice something is wrong. Tobias is watching the movie too intently, as if he's afraid to look away. Sweat trickles down the back of his neck and he swallows heavily.

"Are you ok?" I nudge his leg with my toe, "you look like you're about to be sick."

That would be absolutely perfect. Giving my boyfriend food poisoning on today of all days. He shakes his head but doesn't look at me.

"I can't..." he says quietly and stands abruptly, knocking my legs aside, "I have to go. Sorry."

"Wait...what?" but he's already out of the room, and before I can even get up, the door slams.

What the hell was that about? I was worried about food poisoning but he didn't sound like he had to hurl or...It actually looked more like a panic attack. But what caused it? All we'd been doing was watching a movie...

I grab the remote from off the floor, where it fell when he stood, and hit 'rewind'. After a moment I hit 'play' and start re-watching the last ten minutes; whatever set him off must be in that time frame.

It doesn't take me long to find the dialogue that did it. The words echo in my head and I know exactly what he heard within them:

_"Why didn't you wait for me? Well...you were dead. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."_

My hands curl into firsts, crushing the remote. The change comes fast and hard this time and I don't fight it. I scream, barely managing to pull my clothes off, as a potent mixture of rage, hate and pain burn through my veins. Faster than I've ever done before I'm on all fours: wolf.

I snarl at the TV, barely managing to keep myself from attacking it. Damn you Westley and Buttercup. Damn you and your stupid names and your stupid love story.

And most of all, damn you Rachel. I hope you burn in Hell for what you're doing to my, MY!, boyfriend. You had your chance and decided to get yourself killed rather than stay with him. Well now he's mine and you will never get him back!

The emotions within me boiling over, I race outside and into the woods. I need to run. Need to hunt. Need to kill. I only wish she were still alive so I could do the job myself.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I don't return till after midnight. Tobias is still gone when I creep back into the house and up to my room. My mother is waiting for me, my discarded clothing on the foot of my bed. I wince; I can guess what my father thought when he saw that - I'm surprised he's not here instead.

"Tomorrow," my mom says quietly, first giving me a quick look over followed by a hug, "good night."

She leaves me alone and I start to crawl into bed, too tired and drained to even bother dressing. As I pull back the covers though, something sticking out from under my pillow catches my eye.

Reaching under I pull out a small brown paper bag with and equally small envelope, bearing my name, taped to it. I open the bag and gently shake the contents out into my hand.

I find myself holding a dream-catcher about the size of my fist. It's nothing colorful, just a wooden ring wrapped in brown leather cord. Four reddish brown feathers adorn the outside and similarly colored beads are woven into the tan webbing. At first glance it doesn't seem like anything special - although it is beautifully crafted. However, a second look shows me that this is more than just a regular catcher. The intricate webbing has been done in such a way that I can make out the shape of a hawk in flight.

Tears blur my vision; it's been a long time since I've seen my spirit guide and I've felt more than a little lost without him. Fumbling with the envelope I remove the small note.

_Raquel-_

_ I thought of you when I saw this. May it bring you good dreams._

_ Happy Anniversary,_

_ Tobias_

I laugh quietly. It would seem I was wrong. He did remember what day yesterday was.


	11. The Talk

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"Raquel, are you and Tobias fucking?" Alex asks.

Silence descends on the dinner table. Next to me, Tobias starts to choke on whatever he was eating. My father glares at him. Kyle starts laughing. My face gets hot. For her part at least, my mother manages to look shocked. Alex, however, just looks confused at our various reactions. Clearly he has no idea what exactly he just asked.

"Alex, where in the world did you hear that word?" my mother demands. I can think of a couple dozen place he might have heard it, at least half of which my mom is aware of herself - but she'd taken to reading parenting self-help books for the last year and that was the appropriate response by their reckoning. Even with all the places Alex might have heard that word, it's easy enough to narrow down where...or rather who...he heard it from.

"Piotr was talking to Darian and he said the only reason Raquel and Tobias are together is because they're..."

"Ok, I understand," my mother interrupts before Alex can repeat the word.

"Well, are you?" Alex looks at me again. Silence once again falls over the table and my father continues to glare at my boyfriend; his look telling everyone that Tobias is a hairsbreadth away from a very painful death - depending on my answer.

Despite myself I blush a little hotter. It's not true, but still...this isn't a conversation I want to have with any of my family, never mind all of them. At least Kyle has the decency to look away, his own face a bit red. He doesn't want to hear this anymore than I want to say it.

The truth is, despite being together for nearly two years, Tobias hasn't so much as kissed me. In fact, he barely touches me. No groping, no coping a feel, no grabbing my ass...not even a hickey for me to try to hide.

It's frustrating really...it's more like we're just really good friends than anything else. He hugs me and holds my hand and that's it. Sure he doesn't recoil anymore if I kiss him, but he doesn't respond either. The worst part about it is that I know it's not because he's not attracted to me. He has a reason for restraining himself - one I'll even agree is a good one when I'm in better moods - but still!

"Alex, you can't go around asking people that," I finally settle on, more than a little annoyed by my father's reaction.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a personal question and," I glare at my father until he looks at me, "absolutely no one else's business. What Tobias and I may or may not do when we're together is between us alone."

My father glares back at me but I ignore him. After the disaster that was Tobias and my first anniversary dating he'd tried to kick Tobias out on the grounds that he had slept with me. It had taken a while to convince my mother that the damage to the sink and remote were simply a result of me losing my temper...which then lead to me changing and going for a run to blow off some steam. My father, however, hadn't believed me and I'd had to resort to threatening to leave if he didn't stay out of my love life before he backed off. My mother had spoken to him after about the whole thing and he gave her hell for it, but the subject never came up again.

Shortly after that my mom had "The Talk" with me. I think the awkwardness of that conversation is what got my mom into her parenting books. After all, she had two more kids to have this conversation with and if she could barely get through it with her daughter then how would she manage with her sons?

Tobias had gotten his own "talk" from my father too. Although I think it was more him being threatened with bodily harm if he so much as had the suggestion of a fantasy about me. I'd been embarrassed about it but Tobias found the entire situation extraordinarily entertaining.

Now that I think of it, Kyle is probably due for his own "talk" soon. He recently discovered girls after all. I have to admit that I'm kind of curious to know what his entails.

Tobias starts to get up then, apparently realizing that that's not the best move given how my father is still glaring at him, decides to sit back down. I sigh. We're going to be stuck here until one of us answers. He looks at me and I can see in his eyes that he's realized this as well. He sighs himself.

"No Alex, your sister and I aren't sleeping together," he doesn't look at my father.

"What does sleeping together have to do with..." Alex starts.

"'Sleeping together' is the more polite way of saying what you did," Tobias interrupts as my mother braces herself. I don't think it's the word so much as the fact that it's coming out of her eight year old's mouth that's bothering her.

"Oh," I can almost see the wheels in his head turning and hear the click as he makes some connection. Too late, I realize exactly what he's thinking, "so then Raquel and Kyle and I were fucking during thunderstorms?"

Silence again. This time Kyle's face is as red as I'm sure mine is. Tobias is the first to crack and he starts laughing. At least he sees the joke.

"No," I finally manage to get out - could this be any more embarrassing?-, "no Alex."

"But..." he starts.

"Alex the phrase 'sleeping together' has two meanings," Kyle interrupts this time, his face still red, "one means...what you said and the other refers to what we did when we were little and scared of the thunder."

"Oh, ok," Alex nods and goes back to eating his hamburger, the conversation already practically forgotten.

Slowly we resume our meal. My father's mood is noticeably worse and my mother seems relieved that that crisis was averted. Kyle makes a point of not looking anywhere but his plate.

Tobias still chuckles every now and then and I can see him watching me out of the corner of his eye, a grin the size of the grand canyon plastered on his face.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I have to say, that was the most entertaining meal I've had since the last time Raquel tried to cook. She's been quiet ever since we were able to make our escape though. There's something she wants to talk about - I can see it in her face. And I've a pretty good idea what that something is, given the conversation we had during dinner. Better to nip this in the bud before she starts brooding.

"The answer is no," I say to her and stop walking down the trail we're exploring.

"Huh?" she must really be thinking about this if she didn't pick up on what I'm talking about.

"The question you want to ask...the answer is no," she makes a face as I say that. It would seem I was right in my guess. She sighs and I can already hear the old argument coming back.

"Why not?" she asks in the best "adult" tone she can manage. So she's going to try a mature approach this time. She's already tried whining, begging and threatening. I find myself a nice patch of grass to sit in and motion for her to join me.

"Don't you think that that's getting a bit ahead of ourselves here? Considering I haven't even kissed you yet?" I ask once she sits.

"And why haven't you?" she grumps, "have I not made it obvious that I want you to?"

"Blindingly," I laugh and take her hand - she's easily distracted -, " but someday your dad is going to find out how old I am and he's going to go through the roof. I'd like to be able to assure him when that happens that I haven't done anything incredibly inappropriate with his underage daughter. Maybe he'll even let me live then and just settle for breaking every bone in my body."

She grimaces and laughs. I'm being dramatic of course but that doesn't change the fact that there's a very real chance her father will kill me when he finds out my age.

"That's not the only reason though," she looks away, her voice bitter, "you're still thinking about her."

I look away myself. What can I say? She's not wrong. Even I know that wanting to appease her father is just an excuse. A good one to be sure, but still an excuse. Really, I just can't let go of Rachel.

"That's not fair," she says quietly, leaning against me and tracing the contours of my arm with her free hand, "how can I compete with a ghost?"

**x-x-x-x-x**

I tremble as I lean against him. It hurts to be so close to him and yet still so very far away. No matter what I can't reach him so long as Rachel is standing in my way. Wasn't it enough to hurt him by getting herself killed? Why does she have to haunt him like this? Why does she have to haunt me?

With a snarl I leap to my feet and turn on him.

"I hate her!" I yell, "I wish she'd never been born! Then neither of us would have to hurt like this!"

The instant the words leave my mouth I realize I went too far. His face clouds over and turns red. He stands, his body shaking, and clenches his fists till blood drips from them. For a second I brace myself for the blow that must be coming. He isn't the kind of guy who would ever hit his girlfriend, but if he has any buttons to drive him to that I certainly just hammered on them.

"Tobias I..."

"Well you're right about that," he says quietly and yet still managing to roll right over me, "if she'd never been born you wouldn't be hurting now...because we would have lost The War and I would have been dead nearly twenty years ago."

"Twenty years ago, twenty years ago!" my anger gets the better of me again, "Is that all you think about? The war is over Tobias! It's over and she's dead! She's nothing but a pile of ashes in an urn somewhere. So let her go already and be with me!"

"Let her go and be with you?" his voice is even quieter now, "She was my..."

"I know she was your girlfriend!" I'm back to yelling, I can't stop myself, "But now I am!"

"You?" the question in his voice as he says that pierces me, like my heart has just been cut in two, "You are a child who I am humoring on the advice of an old woman whose sanity is questionable at best. Be with you you say? What in the world makes you think I want to be with you? Or that you could even be with me?"

I open my mouth to reply but no sound comes out. Not that I'm even certain what I can say to that. Humoring me? Has that all these past two years have been? Humoring me?

"You jackass," I whisper, finding my voice again though it's still difficult to breathe as I fight off tears, "what gives you the right to toy with me like this?"

"Oh? You don't like this game anymore Princess?" he laughs, "You should have thought about that before you bit me."

"I've said I'm sorry!" I nearly shriek, my own hands balling into fists, "But this is my life you're messing with! I wanted you to be a part of it but if it's such a hardship then leave!"

We glare at one another for several minutes, our faces nearly touching. The woods around us are quiet. Apparently the animals have decided that being near two angry werewolves is not in their best interest.

"Fine," he says, breaking the silence, "I don't see you helping me get what I want anyway."

He turns and stalks off, already pulling off his shirt. I hear the rustle of his clothing falling into the grass followed by grinding and popping as he changes and then nothing.

It takes me a long time to get my anger under control - a long time during which my body continuously starts changing before I reign it in and reverse the process. Blood trickles from my palms where my claws have broken through my skin with each clench of my fists. Distantly I realize it hurts but it's meaningless next to the feeling of my heart being ripped out. I feel hollow, empty - like the rest of my insides fell out of the gaping hole in my chest.

I look down, expecting to find my shirt soaked with blood. It's soaked alright, but with the product of a cold sweat, not a life threatening wound.

I stare at it and slowly uncurl my fist to probe the area. Where's the hole? I can feel it but I don't see it...

My knees buckle and I sink to the ground, not paying attention to my long hair dragging in the dirt. I've let it grow out these past couple years - not because I've been too lazy to bother getting it cut like I told anyone who asked but because she had long hair and a part of me had hoped that maybe if I looked more like her Tobias would...I shake my head. What am I doing? Of course he doesn't want to be with me. I don't even know who me is.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I run faster than ever before. Trees and bushes whip past me in green and brown blurs. Birds fall silent as I race beneath their branches but I barely spare them a glance.

How dare she! To talk about my Rachel like that! It had taken everything I had not to hit her right then - it's still taking everything I have to not turn around. I'm just not sure what I'll do if I do: attack her or apologize.

Truthfully I hadn't been able to stop myself. After what she said I just needed to hurt her as much as she hurt me. So I threw the most vicious lie I could think of at her. It had done exactly what I'd intended. Sort of.

She tried to hide it - had done very well actually - but the agony my words caused her was too great and I saw it clearly on her face. My own heart had simultaneously given a painful tug in my chest. I was the cause of her pain and that knowledge hurt me far more than I'm comfortable with.

Pain I've dealt with my entire life, but this is something else entirely. I haven't hurt this much since...even if that was still far worse.

What I said isn't true. Sure at first I had been humoring her for the sake of Calli's advice. As time passed though...The truth is that I really do like Raquel - far more than I ever intended to.

But when I'm with her it's too easy to forget. Forget how old I am; forget the Yeerks and the Animorphs and The War. Too easy to forget Rachel. There are so many nightmares in those other memories that I'd love to forget, but if forgetting them means forgetting Rachel too, then I'll gladly live with them.

No matter what, I can't forget her. I won't.

I've been heading southwest, towards my old home - the place I always go when I need to be alone. But that's not what I want now. Now I want someplace new to distract myself - someplace where no one and nothing will find me.

Turning about, I head north.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here, but the sun set awhile ago. Now a large full moon hangs in a cloudless, star filled sky. The woods are still quiet. Even the nocturnal animals are giving me as much space as possible. Not that they have to worry. I'm really not in the mood to move at all, let alone change and chase them.

As unaware as I am, I don't realize that I'm not alone until someone seemingly materializes in front of me. I jump up, ready to fight off my attacker - who else would approach a young girl at night in the middle of the woods?

"Relax child," a familiar voice laughs and I lower my fists.

"Grandma Calli? What are you doing here?" I stare at the older woman. She's barefoot and carrying a large basket.

"I could ask you the same," she muses, pulling a small plant from the ground and giving it a sniff, "but my herbs don't collect themselves and some are easiest to find in the moonlight."

I fall silent and the sound of crickets fill the air. Apparently the animals aren't afraid of me now that Grandma Calli is here. Go figure. Grandma Calli bustles about, collecting her plants and examining others.

"You know," she says finally, "I was at the bakery in town the other day when this couple got into a might row with one another. I'd never seen such a thing before in all my life - something of a feat, believe you me. So I turned to Conrad - you remember Conrad, he used to give you cookies when you were little - and asked what all that had been about.

"He just laughed and said 'Oh that's just Tom and Harriet having their weekly blow up. Nothing to worry about.'

"'Nothing to worry about?' I said, 'They look like they're about to kill one another.' He laughed again.

"So he told me that they'd been married for almost forty years and for as long as he could remember they had at least one fight like that every week of that time. It always blew over in a few hours and they would be back to laughing and joking with one another as if nothing had happened at all."

She grows silent and fusses with something in her basket for a few minutes.

"An interesting story I think; how something that seems so bad at first really isn't," she says to herself.

Even I realize that she's not really talking about her story anymore. How does she even know? Tears trickle down my cheeks and I sob.

"Shh my little warrior princess. It'll be ok," she hugs me.

"I don't know Grandma," I cry, "I said a lot of bad things."

"Did you mean them?"

"No," I sniffle.

"Then it'll be ok," she smiles at me, "you two are a pair of the most stubborn people I've ever met - another feat. This won't do anything but bring you closer. You'll see."

I don't see how. After what I said I don't think he'll come back, let alone forgive me. In either case I don't know what I'm going to do.

How am I going to live with this hole in my chest?


	12. Missing You

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

My fangs rip the moose's throat out as it dances backwards, trying to brain me with its massive front hooves. Blood sprays across the ground and the creature gasps before toppling forward, crushing a small tree as it does.

Cautiously I approach and inhale its scent. It's not quite dead yet but it's not going to be moving again either. I rip into its soft belly and begin gorging myself - its been nearly a week since I last ate and I'm starving. I'm so intent on feeding that I don't notice the human until he starts clapping.

"Bravo!" the man cheers, a noticeable French accent in his voice, "Absolutely splendid!"

I stare at him for a second and then snarl and bare my bloody fangs. Either this guy isn't right in the head or he's an idiot.

"Relax," he takes a step back and holds up his hands, "I'm just admiring your handy-work though I would suggest sticking to smaller game so as not to draw attention to yourself."

What in the...I sniff the air and then look back at the man, surprised. He's not human after all...he's a werewolf. He nods and smiles without showing his teeth.

"Most normal wolves won't take on a healthy bull moose by themselves and if they did they wouldn't charge straight for the throat. Do that and you might as well wave a red flag and shout 'I'm a werewolf!' at the top of your lungs."

I change, slowly - dragging it out for a full fifteen minutes. I want to talk to him but there's no need for him to know what I'm really capable of.

"I figured you were young," he nods again, "that's the only reason I didn't just kill you."

"Ah...this is your territory then?" I get it, "Well I'm just passing through. Once I eat I'll be gone."

"I think you'll be gone now," this time he does bare his teeth but his eyes are focused on the moose.

"It's my kill...I'll leave you some if you want but I'm not letting you have all of it," of all the wolves in the world I could have run into, why did it have to be a twenty-something werewolf with an attitude?

He snarls and takes a step forward. I don't budge. Most confrontations between predators are more about posturing and bluffing than anything else: glorified games of chicken. The smart ones know how risky an actual fight is - we could walk away and die from infection or starvation because of a minor injury making it difficult to hunt.

"Listen you little shit," he snaps, "If it weren't for your age you'd already be dead, but my charity only goes so far. Get the hell out of here now!"

"If you take a second step towards me," I say quietly and hold his eyes with mine, "you'll be dead before you take a third."

His eyes go wide and he starts to take another step but then stops when I don't move. He looks from me to the moose and back again. First one foot, then the other, he slowly backs away. I nod to him - I hadn't wanted to make good on that threat.

"I'll be gone once I finish eating," I repeat, "you're welcome to whatever's left."

A small growl is all I hear before he disappears and I sigh. This is the third time this has happened since I left. None of my other encounters have ended in bloodshed either though one did come much closer than this one did. Rogue wolves avoid territory claimed by a pack so I've never had to deal with one before. It's irritating to say the least.

I wait a half hour to change and resume my interrupted meal. That wolf is going to be back soon and I don't want to be here when he returns. Maybe it's time to go home. I don't much like hunting alone anymore.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I sigh as the warm water washes over me, easing my sore muscles. Despite the fact that I've gone running almost daily for the past month, my body still isn't completely used to the exertion. Soreness aside though, working up a good sweat has helped me keep my mind off things I'd rather not think about so I guess I can't really complain.

Although, the exercise isn't the only reason I'm sore. I really need to go underwear shopping. I look down at my chest - the damn things have grown again and all my bras are digging into places I really don't want them digging into.

Puberty sucks. Hair in places I don't want it, blood coming from a place I never wanted to see blood from, mood swings to put a bipolar to shame and what the hell does a werewolf need tits for anyway?

At least I got all the wolf stuff years ago. I can't even begin to imagine what sort of nightmare that would have been. My parents would have had to lock me up until I could control both my mood and my changes. That would have been unbearable.

Most of it's not that bad really, but the mood swings are a pain in the ass. They're part of the reason Tobias...damnit! I was doing so good today too! Ugh! Trying to keep myself too distracted and tired to think of him is my reason for running as often as I am in the first place.

Honestly though, it hasn't really been working that well. Running alone just reminds me that he's not here; I hadn't run alone since before I met him. And then when I'm tired I can't find the energy to stop thinking about him. No matter what I do I can't get around the fact that I miss him - terribly so.

Maybe I can't know exactly, but I think I'm starting to understand how he feels when he thinks about Rachel. Although, with her being dead and all I'm sure it's still much worse than I can fathom.

I just wish he would call. Or write. I'd settle for a smoke signal really. Something, anything, to let me know that he's ok and give me a way to get in contact with him. I need to apologize. Even if he can't forgive me - and I won't blame him if that's the case - I need him to know how sorry I am.

I shiver and turn the water knob to a warmer setting. If I don't stop daydreaming and start moving I'm going to be finishing this shower cold. Considering how long my hair takes though, I may have already passed that point. With a sigh I get to it.

**x-x-x-x-x**

A while later I step out of the shower, my teeth chattering, but otherwise feeling much better. It's amazing what such a simple thing as bathing can do to the spirit - already things don't seem so bad. I'm sure that'll change soon enough, but for now I'm going to enjoy it.

I towel myself dry and set about the process of combing and brushing my hair. I really should cut it - it's too much work to take care of - but I do like how it looks long. Oh well. Sacrifices I suppose.

Grooming complete, I head for my room to hunt up a pair of clean pajamas. Laundry...something else I need to do; I could hide a few bodies underneath the mountain of dirty clothes I have piled in one corner. I wince at the thought - I'm not looking forward to that chore.

As I enter the room a familiar smell drifts into my nose and for a second I freeze. I shake my head to clear it. No, I'm just imagining things. But despite my certainty, my nose tracks the scent and my eyes follow.

He's in front of the window, watching me. I ignore him and laugh - I'm probably just seeing things now. Raquel has officially gone crazy.

Turning to my dresser I pull open a drawer but am prevented from going further as a pair of arms wrap around me tightly. I gasp; maybe I haven't gone crazy after all.

He holds me for a long time and if he's aware that I'm wearing nothing but a towel he doesn't give any indication. I am quite aware of that fact though and I clench my fists.

"I'm sorry," he whispers at last, his breath tickling my ear, "I didn't mean what I said."

He's sorry? I know I wanted to apologize to him myself but to do it like this? Despite how much I've wanted to hear him say that very thing, all I feel is angry. I tremble and grit my teeth, my knuckles cracking as I squeeze my fists tighter. Reaching down I pry his arms apart and turn to face him. He smiles up at me; a smile that is quickly replaced by shock as I punch him in the face - my fist making a very satisfying 'crack' as it connects with his jaw. He staggers back, loses his balance and crashes to the floor.

"You're sorry?!" I nearly shriek, barely able to see through my anger, "what did you think you were going to just show up, apologize and everything would be ok again? Well it's not ok! You hurt me!"

"Raquel..." he starts, staring at me, eyes wide.

"Shut up!" I scream, "You come, you go, you want me, you don't want me. I'm tired of being treated like a damn yo-yo! I've had it! Either make up your mind right now or leave and don't come back!"

I gasp, my chest heaving, out of breath from all that. As my breathing slowly returns to normal and my vision begins to clear, I unclench my fists. After several minutes I trust myself enough to look at Tobias without hitting him again. He's still staring at me, a very strange look in his eyes. His eyes not leaving me, he licks his lips and wipes his hands on his pants though he doesn't seem aware of either action.

"Hey, you ok?" I bend down and wave my hand in front of his face, "I didn't hit you that hard did I?"

There's a wicked bruise already forming on his cheek but it shouldn't cause any lasting damage...I think.

"Raquel," he says quietly, his eyes still glued to me, "your towel..."

I look down and discover that somewhere in my tirade my towel ended up on the floor. Now I suppose most girls would be embarrassed - mortified even - but the fact that I've been standing in front of him naked just pisses me off all over again. Here I was, yelling at him and he was probably too busy looking at my boobs to hear a word I said! Typical boy!

In no hurry, I stand and return to my dresser for my pajamas. What do I care if I'm giving him a show? It's nothing he hasn't seen before and clearly he's not that interested anyway. But if he's this distracted by my lack of clothing then I need to cover up or he'll never hear anything I say.

I yank on the first set of boxers and t-shirt I find, not paying attention to what they look like. Ratty some of my things may be, but they're all still decent.

"You would tempt a saint," Tobias growls in my ear and I jump - I hadn't heard him get up, "and I am certainly no saint."

Again his arms encircle me, holding me tightly against him and something hard presses against my rear. Despite myself I feel my face heat. I've seen him before - what can I say? Nudity is a part of werewolf life - but this is the first time that... Ok, maybe he was a bit more interested in my earlier state of undress than I'd thought.

My breath catches in my throat as his lips brush the side of my next and like a wildfire the heat from my face surges through the rest of me. I barely manage to stifle a groan as he moves up to my ear.

"No," I shake my head and try - ok try is a bit strong a word - to pull free.

"No?" he repeats in a voice that says he clearly doesn't believe me and continues to do the most distracting things to my ear.

"No!" I say again, more forcefully, and pull away - a feat in itself; I'd love to just let him continue, "I meant what I said. If you can't promise me more than one night then leave and don't come back."

"I'm not going anywhere," he says a little too quickly and I sigh.

"Well you'll forgive me for not believing you," I glare at him, "you don't exactly have the best track record for hanging around...and I'm not going to spend my life wondering when or if you're coming back."

He's quiet for a minute.

"What do you want me to say?" he asks at last, still watching me with that weird look in his eyes.

"Nothing at all," I glare at him, "I want you to kiss me like I'm the only one you want to be with and then I want you out of my room."

"That's...cruel," he groans.

"Yeah well I'm a bitch. Deal with it or show yourself to the door," I roll my eyes at him. When he doesn't move I sigh and turn away. That's what I thought.

I barely register the pressure on my arm before the room spins and I find myself facing him in time for his lips to capture mine. It takes a minute for the shock to wear off, but once it does I eagerly return the kiss I've been waiting nearly two years for. His hands first twine through my hair before sliding down my back to grab my ass. He hoists me up, takes two steps and we fall onto my bed. The old springs give a tortured groan with the sudden increase in weight but neither of us pay them any attention.

Heat floods through me again as I feel him pressing against me between my legs; a few pieces of clothing the only thing between us and something we really shouldn't do.

"Enough," I groan against his lips and give him a gentle shove. He lifts himself off me in response, but his lips don't leave mine.

"Sorry," he breaths after a few more minutes, "I've wanted to do that for a long time."

"You were the one keeping me waiting," I accuse and kiss him again.

"Sorry," he repeats and laughs before his lips move down to my neck and his hands! Fate, who would have thought his hands in places none save mine have ever been could feel so good? We really need to set some ground rules before we do this again or...

"Stop," I shudder as one of his hands works its way into my underwear. He freezes, thankfully - I don't think I could have found it in me to stop him had he persisted, "you need to go."

"You sure?" he asks, his lips moving on my neck once more.

"Unfortunately," I sigh, "my parents are going to be home soon and I don't want them catching us."

"Pfft...worth the risk," he returns to my lips and for several minutes I can't help but forget why we have to stop.

"No," I push him off me, "I told you, I want more than just one night. I can't very well have that if my father kills you."

"Bah," he sighs and stands, pulling me up with him. He doesn't let go though, but hugs me tightly and kisses me again. Again I almost cave - I really don't want to kick him out but...

"You have plenty of time to make up for all those times you didn't kiss me you know," I smile against his lips, "just not tonight. Go. I'll see you in the morning."

"I look forward to it," he grins, kisses me once more and then disappears out the door.

As soon as he's gone my legs give out on me and I sit down hard. My heart pounds in my chest - or maybe it has been this whole time and I'm only just now noticing it. I reach up to touch my lips. Did that really happen?

I can still feel his hands on me though - my skin burns everywhere he touched. And I can still smell his scent on me, can still taste him. Surely I couldn't have imagined that.

"Crap," I curse quietly to myself. I need another shower now. At least this time the cold water won't be an issue.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm going to Hell. Although, to be honest, I was probably going there anyway. Now though I'm certain of it. Though my knowledge of state laws is a bit rusty, I'm fairly certain that there's a statute somewhere that says what I just did was rape.

To make it even worse, I'm not overly sure that I care. Its just been too long since I've been that close to someone.

Holy shit is she beautiful though! I've seen her before, but never really noticed exactly how attractive she is. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about a fifteen year old this way but I can't help it.

So much for my plan to not do anything with her till she is eighteen. A couple more make out sessions like that and we're definitely going to end up in bed together. Logan is going to kill me.

At least I'll have a few good memories when he does. My mind immediately calls up an image of Raquel...decidedly without clothing...and I groan. Unintentionally, but I suppose inevitably, I begin comparing her to Rachel.

When I first saw Raquel I thought I was staring at Rachel's twin. As I've gotten to know her over the past couple years though, I've found a lot of differences. Sure Raquel has a lot of the same gestures - her devil-may-care grin, her self-mocking laugh - and a very similar attitude, but that's where the similarities really stop.

Different hair, different eyes, different scent. Even her voice - which I'd at first thought to be exactly Rachel's - is different; subtly so, but still different. The biggest difference however, is one I hadn't really noticed till about an hour ago. How had I never noticed? Rachel had had the body of a gymnast and while Raquel is as far from heavy - or even overweight for that matter - as can be, there's definitely...more of her. But in a good way. A very good way.

I groan again. I am so going to Hell.


	13. Unrest

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

Tobias sighs as yet another deer gets away from Kyle. I lean against him and lick his muzzle to cheer him up.

A few months ago my brother underwent his first change and once he'd more or less gotten them under control he had asked my boyfriend to teach him how to hunt.

I think our dad was a bit put off by that but there is no denying that no one knows how to hunt like Tobias does; he's been doing it for nearly two decades after all. Not that anyone save myself, my mom and Grandma Calli knows about that. We're the only ones who know who my boyfriend really is...and thus how old he really is.

I'm still not sure why exactly my mom hasn't said anything about me dating a guy over twice my age. Maybe it's because of something Grandma Calli said to her? Although most of our pack had assumed I'd bitten Tobias in the first place because I liked him, they were still surprised when it became known we were dating; many supposing that he would want nothing to do with me after what I'd done to him. Grandma Calli, however hadn't seemed the least bit surprised at all.

Kyle trots back up, a look of irritation in his eyes. It's been a week since we've actually taken him out hunting and he hasn't caught one deer yet. I nuzzle him gently to let him know he's not doing that badly - it had taken me some time to figure this out too.

Though we both had grown up knowing that we were werewolves and would one day be able to change forms like our parents, it's still not easy abandoning ourselves to the wolf; letting it guide us. This was what Tobias had, painfully on both our ends, taught me to do and was now trying to teach my brother.

A few wolves think it's odd that my boyfriend is so skilled - both at hunting and changing. After all he'd only been one of us for a week when he demonstrated his prowess at both. They just don't know that Tobias lived more than half his life as a red-tailed hawk after he became trapped in that form during the Yeerk War. He hadn't had much choice but to learn how to hunt like a hawk - and that was experience that he'd simply transferred over to living as a wolf after I bit him. As to his skill at changing, I assume that it comes from the fact that he was an Animorph and as such he's been a number of different animals.

I'm a bit jealous actually. As much as I love being a wolf, to have seen the world as a bird does must truly be something. That's a memory I wish I had.

Kyle begins to check the air and listen, searching for another trail to follow. Tobias bumps him in the side, however, and shakes his head. We're done for the day.

My brother sighs and then bounds off to find where he left his clothing. He'll be a bit though, I can't help but grin. While he was out learning, I'd gone back and relocated his clothes. I'm not being mean, it's just more training for him that will help him learn to hunt. The fact that it also gives Tobias and I some alone time before Kyle assaults us with questions is purely coincidence.

Our own clothing is close by and we quickly change and dress. I barely have my shirt back on before Tobias has me pressed against a tree, his lips seeking mine. I smile and return the kiss, my arms going around him tightly.

After he first kissed me about a year ago I thought things had changed. And they had - sort of. He was considerably more physical with me but, compared to where we had been, that wasn't saying much. I don't know if that first make out session we had scared him with how dangerously close we had come to going further than either of us were ready for, or if he was once again thinking about her. But he still withdrew from me as often as not. Again and again I was frustrated when he refused to touch me beyond hugging and holding hands. I'd been damn close to throwing a fit over it when one day I made an amazing discovery.

We had just ended a hunt; having eaten our fill - although still a strict vegetarian in human form, I'd begun eating with him when we were both wolves - and changed back. I had nearly finished dressing when he attacked me. Not "I'm going to kill you" attacked me, but the "I want you now" variety. We made out on the forest floor, heedless of all else and before we finally cooled off we were both either half naked or close to it. After that he withdrew again, leaving me puzzled but with an idea I wanted to test.

The next time we went hunting it happened again and I made the connection. After a hunt he was so high on adrenaline that he needed some way to burn it all. By himself he would run. If I were there, however, I could provide an alternate outlet for him - one that I soon realized he found much more preferable. So I began joining him on every hunt, rather than just when I felt like it.

Is it devious? Damn straight. But if he realizes what I'm doing he hasn't said anything and he hasn't disappointed me either.

But now that my brother is out here with us we have to try to control ourselves somewhat. Try being the opportune word. We haven't been very successful in that area honestly and Kyle has gotten an eyeful on more than one occasion. So I'm not surprised at all when I hear the sound of him clearing his throat.

We look up to find him fully dressed and pointedly looking away from us. Damn that was faster than I thought it would take. He's getting better.

"You two are lucky Dad isn't out here," he shakes his head, "could you at least control yourselves until I figure this hunting thing out? I don't really want to find another teacher."

Tobias laughs and stands, pulling me up and into another kiss as he does. I eagerly return it - my brother will just have to wait.

"You were upwind," Tobias says to my brother as he pulls away, though he still keeps an arm firmly wrapped around me, "the deer knew you were there."

Kyle groans. It was an amateur mistake but that's exactly what he is so it's to be expected. I still make mistakes myself, even after three years. Part of our problem, Tobias had pointed out a couple days ago , was that we knew we had food at home if our hunts failed. If we truly were relying on these hunts to survive we'd make fewer mistakes.

At first I was insulted by that observation but I know he hadn't meant it as an insult. It's just the truth. We aren't relying on this so we're not at our best.

"Can we try again tomorrow?" Kyle asks, obviously irritated with himself.

"Of course," I say and Tobias looks at me and raises an eyebrow. Uh-oh. Maybe he's figured out what I've been doing.

"Get on home Kyle," Tobias adds, his eyes not leaving mine, "we'll be back later."

"You two are ridiculous," Kyle shakes his head but turns back towards home, "just get a room already."

"Oh stop pretending you're not jealous and go call Alli," I snap at him. Allison Grant is this human girl my brother has been pining over for months now. I've only talked to her a few times but I'm certain she's more than Kyle can handle. She's a bookish looking redhead but her plain looks hide a fiery streak that'll surely burn my brother if he's not careful. Who knows though? She might be good for him. At the very least she'd make a good wolf.

He blushes scarlet and takes off. I don't think he's going to call her but I hope he does. It would be nice to have another girl close to my own age to talk to.

"As for you," Tobias turns back to me and I swallow heavily as I see the look in his eyes; it's the same look that sends a shiver up my spine and makes my palms clammy.

"Me?" I say innocently and look around in case there's someone else here I haven't noticed.

"You," he clarifies and I grin as his arm goes around my waist and he pulls me in for another kiss.

**x-x-x-x-x**

She's been manipulating me...sorta. It hadn't been too hard to figure out what she was doing once she started hunting with me constantly. Not that I mind. I enjoy the company and she's a good partner. A very good partner, now that she knows how to hunt. As good as I am by myself, with her help our kill ratio is nearly one hundred percent.

Although that ratio is shot to Hell now that Kyle is here. Though, really we're just observing so I suppose his failures don't count against our record. Maybe we'll help him tomorrow and see that he gets a kill. Perhaps that confidence boost will be all he needs.

Raquel leans against me and kisses my hand before we reach the house. Once there we have to largely keep our hands off one another to keep her father happy. The last thing either of us want is to give him an excuse to throw me out. I'd survive but it would mean seeing Raquel much less and as much as I hate to admit it, I wouldn't like that at all.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, or even when, but somewhere over these last three years I fell in love with her. Maybe it was her persistence that did it. That would definitely be consistent with the rest of my life. I've never chosen the women I've been involved with; they've always chosen me. I still don't understand why, though I'm not complaining.

What am I supposed to do though? How can I love Raquel when I'm still in love with Rachel?

"You coming in?" she asks and I consider for a moment.

"No," I say after a minute, "I'm a bit tired. Think I'll go take a nap."

"The couch is free," she smiles and tugs on my hand, grinning mischievously, "I'll behave, I promise."

"Ok," I let her drag me inside, not that I believe her for a second.

I say 'Hello' to Lily but I don't see Logan anywhere. That's odd. When he's not at work he and Lily are nearly as inseparable as Raquel and I.

Hellos done, since Kyle and Alex are as absent as their father, I sink down onto the couch. Raquel quickly joins me and I wrap my arms around her as the smell of her hair fills my nose. She wiggles to get comfortable and sighs. I groan. If she keeps moving around like that I'm never going to...

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Derek's causing trouble again?" I ask my mate as he walks in.

"That wolf isn't happy unless he is," Logan growls and kisses me, "I'm going to have to take care of him...one way or another."

I grimace at that thought. My mate is a strong fighter - he has to be to be Alpha - but Derek is no week old pup. Though he is younger than Logan he's just as skilled a fighter and part shaman to make things worse. As much as I love and respect my mate I don't really know if he would win a fight with Derek if it comes to that.

"Send me," I say quietly, not looking at him, "I'll take care of him."

Officially I'm a pack Huntress - a warrior who deals with rogue wolves when they cause trouble. In reality though, I'm a Shadow - an assassin - something only Logan and Calli are aware of.

My duties involve putting down rebellions before they break out. Putting them down in ways that can never be traced back to my Alpha. My targets simply disappear.

However, Logan hasn't given me an assignment in years - not since we learned I was pregnant with Raquel. I haven't let my skills wane though, even if I haven't had a target. If anything, I've kept them as sharp as ever because I now have children to protect.

"No," Logan says in a voice that tells me the conversation is over. Like Hell it is.

"Logan you can't let him continue like this. Send me and he'll be nothing but a memory," I growl.

"Your duty is to our children," he glares at me, "leave pack problems to me."

"Oh stop being so pig-headed," I snarl at him and his hand closes on my throat before I can say anything else. Anyone else and they would have lost their hand if they attempted to touch me like this. The only reason I even allow him to do so is because I know he'll never hurt me.

Instead he pulls me in for a kiss. It's a possessive kiss. One that tells me without room for argument that I belong to him.

"I know you can take care of him," he says quietly once he pulls away, "but I will not risk you over this. Besides, he's just making noise like always."

He lets me go and begins rummaging through the fridge. I just watch him. He's my mate and my Alpha and I'd follow him through Hell if need be. But this time I'm certain he's wrong.

**x-x-x-x-x**

My sleep is a restless one - not that I've really slept well since The War, but my dreams are weirder still this time.

I see strange trees I've no name for. Rolling hills that stretch endlessly; covered in what looks to be grass but of odd colors.

A bird with six pairs of wings floats through the air lazily, scanning the ground for prey. That bird touches on a long forgotten memory; I've seen it before but I can't remember where.

Over one of the hills a creature appears; one that I'm very familiar with. An Andalite. Although I've never really seen it before, save in another dream from long ago, I know this place. This is the Andalite home world.

As I make the connection the image blurs and shifts. I'm now in an Andalite scoop and although large, it's fairly crowded. At its edge two children stand, obviously nervous as they watch the three adults cluster around a fourth. This one is laying down, his eye stalks and tail drooping lifelessly.

What's going on here?

Almost as if he heard my thoughts, the Andalite on the ground perks up a bit and looks directly at me with his main eyes. The breath catches in my throat: Ax. He looks horrible. His eyes smile slightly and the image fades.

What the Hell?

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Tobias? Are you ok?"

Huh? Rachel? I blink a few times to clear my vision and look again. Raquel watches me from beside the couch, biting her lower lip.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask and sit up with a yawn.

"You were mumbling in your sleep," she leans over to rest a hand against my forehead, "and then you booted me off the couch."

She tries to laugh at that but it doesn't make it past the worry in her eyes.

"Ah...sorry," I run a hand through my hair and look down in surprise when it comes away wet.

"You don't look so good," she says, her voice still full of worry, "you feel like you have a fever."

"Just a weird dream, that's all," I shake my head and grin at her, "don't worry about it."

"About?" she ask and hugs me. I chuckle as I realize what she's thinking.

"My Uncle...he was sick I suppose?" I shake my head again and brush a kiss along her cheek, "It was just very strange is all."

Now that I think about it, Ax communicated with me through a dream once before, though at the time he didn't realize who he was sending his messages to. Could it be that this is another such message? If it is, there's one other person who received his message the first time. Maybe she did so again.

But I haven't spoken to her in years. How would I even get ahold of her? For that matter, I don't even know if she's still alive.

"Mind if I use your computer?" I ask.

"Go ahead," she stands and pulls me up, her eyes still filled with concern, "what for?"

My vision swims and my legs wobble. I sit back down before they give out on me and my stomach gives an unhappy heave. Wow...what the...

"Tobias!" Raquel grabs me before I fall over...I didn't even realize I wasn't sitting upright.

"I'm fine...really..." I try to get up but my arms and legs don't listen to me. Sweat trickles down the back of my neck and I stare at my body for a moment. What's going on? Again I try to get up but all I manage to do is wiggle my fingers and toes; the rest of me feels like it's encased in cement.

"Tobias!" Raquel moves in front of me and grabs my hand. I definitely feel her so at least I'm not totally paralyzed. An icy cold hand comes to rest on my forehead and I notice Lily standing next to me. When did she...Weights settle on my eyelids and drag them closed.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"What's wrong with him?" Raquel is about a hairsbreadth away from having a nervous breakdown. What indeed? But first things first. I grab my daughter by the shoulders and slap her hard across the face.

"Now stop that!" I snarl at her as she stares at me, stunned but quiet, "I'm sure he's going to be fine but you are not helping."

She nods wordlessly. Her breathing is still a bit too fast but she's considerably calmer. Good.

"Now, he's burning up. Go start filling the bathtub with cold water - coldest possible mind you - and then go get the box of salt from the pantry and the ice bin from the freezer.

I begin gathering Tobias up as Raquel runs upstairs. Fate he's heavier than I thought and he's soaked in sweat too. We'll have to clean the couch later.

I haul him upstairs as Raquel races back down and begin to pull his clothes off. I leave his boxers on though - Raquel doesn't need any distractions and Logan would have a fit. Kicking his clothing aside I get ready to lift him in as my daughter returns.

"Dump all the salt in and then mix it up," I say and wait. Her hands shake as she rips the top off the box and pours its contents into the water. Still shaking, her hands follow to mix the water. "Good, now help me get him in and then go get me a bunch of wash cloths."

We wrestle him into the tub and then Raquel is gone again as I begin to dump the ice over her boyfriend.

I dip my hand in the water as she comes back and take a couple of cloths from her. Shit he's already making the water warmer.

"Call your father and tell him I need him to drop whatever he's doing and bring me ten bags of ice," I instruct as I soak the wash cloths and apply them to Tobias' neck and forehead.

Out she goes. At least she has gotten control of herself for the moment. I'm sure once she stops moving though she's going to fall apart. I just hope this boy's condition improves before then or I'm going to have two sick kids to deal with.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Slowly I open my eyes for what feels to be the first time in weeks - they just don't want to cooperate. I don't know how long I was out but I feel like I've been run over by a herd of Hork Bajir. What the Hell hit me?

Very slowly I try to sit up and, though my body responds, I can't find the strength to lift myself more than a few inches before I sink back down onto the bed.

Wait a second. Bed? How did I get here?

I look around - I know this place. I'm in Raquel's room...in her bed no less though this isn't exactly how I thought I would end up here. She's slumped over on the edge, snoring quietly and looking nearly as bad as I feel.

"She hasn't left your side for more than a minute," a woman's voice reaches my ears and I slowly turn my head to locate its source.

"Calli," I croak, my throat dry.

"Drink," she orders, holding a cup to my lips and placing a hand on my forehead.

I take a few sips. I've no idea what it is but warmth spreads throughout me and I feel a little strength return to my limbs.

"You gave us quite a scare there Hawk," she chides as I take a longer pull on the drink, "weren't sure if you were going to wake up or not."

"How long was I out?" my voice sounds much better.

"About a week," she shakes her head, "Lily called me after your fever persisted beyond the first day. She held it back but couldn't get it to go down."

"A week?" I echo, half of me not believing her.

"Finally I had to sedate her," Calli nods towards Raquel and grimaces, "she was going to give herself a heart attack."

My own heart gives a painful tug at that idea and I reach over to brush some hair from her eyes. She really does look like she's been here for a week. I stare at her. She's an absolute mess and yet she has never looked more beautiful to me.

"Anyway, you should get some rest. I'm sure you're still exhausted," she stands and stretches, "I'll be back to check on you later."

She leaves, closing the door behind her and my gaze returns to Raquel. Her lips are pressed together tightly in a worried line. Carefully I tug the blankets out from under her and then slowly pull her into the bed with me. I draw the blankets back over us and wrap my arms around her. She stirs for a moment and mumbles something unintelligible before drifting back off.

I smile down at her and kiss the top of her head, inhaling her familiar scent as I do. She didn't leave me all week? How in the world did I get so lucky a second time?


	14. Thank You

Sorry for the long wait between chapters. I've been seriously distracted playing video games (Dark Souls, Infamous, Infamous 2...yes I'm aware I need help).

So fun fact. Originally this was going to be Chapter 6, but I decided that that would have been moving the story way too fast. Now here we are, 8 chapters later than I originally intended and I'm glad I didn't use this when I first wrote it. Although that means I've had to do considerably more re-tooling than I've had to with other chapters, but oh well.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

School isn't any better the second time around. At least I made it to high school this time. Still sucks though. I'd never been bad at it, though I hated going because I'd been a bully magnet but I still managed to do fairly well in my classes. Now though it's taken me three years to get back to where I'd been...eighteen years? ago.

At first Raquel had teased me mercilessly about my inability to understand even the basics. What can I say? I'd been a hawk for nearly sixteen years by the time I met her. Hawks don't have much use for algebra. Or grammar. Or science. Or pretty much anything I'd learned in school before I was trapped. But eventually she, and our teachers, managed to pound most of what I'd forgotten back into me.

Most of the subjects aren't bad. English, Arabic - what ever happened to Spanish? -, math, science. None of those had changed much, although science and math had taken a few huge leaps forward thanks to the Andalites. But social studies and history were just brutal no matter how I looked at them.

Societal interactions of the Hork Bajir? I lived with earth's first free Hork Bajir colony for a long time thank you very much. Hell, I helped free them and their leader is named after me because of that. So I know more about them than most humans...more than I honestly ever needed, or wanted, to know actually. Still, it's not so bad.

But history. Please, someone kill me if I ever have to take another history class. Even that wouldn't be that bad though, despite the fact that I've actually lived through some of the events these kids now read about. Inevitably though, one topic always comes up and it's like being dragged over a bed of razors every time.

The Yeerk War.

I'd laughed when the topic came up a few weeks ago, which hadn't exactly earned me any points with the teacher. Raquel was the only one who understood that it wasn't a humorous laugh, but one of pain and loss. She hugged me after class without saying anything. To some extent she gets it, at least, I think she does.

"Ugh," I drop my head onto my desk, "this is torture for all those I've killed isn't it?"

Raquel kicks me from behind. Apparently I said that louder than I intended. Several students are giving me odd looks now. Oh well. Let them look. Hell, let them tell someone. Not like anything can be proven.

"Is there a problem back there?" the teacher looks up from her text book, obviously irritated at the interruption.

"No," I reply with a shake of my head. Whoever wrote this textbook didn't know much about The War. Most of the stuff is either wrong or horribly inaccurate.

"Then would you tell me the names of the four Animorphers?" the teacher glares at me and I grit my teeth. Raquel kicks me again.

"There were six _Animorphs_," I growl and intercept Raquel's foot with a kick of my own.

"Oh really," now the teacher is pissed, "and what makes you more knowledgeable than the author of our text?"

"My father knew them and my Uncle fought alongside them. That's how," I have to stop myself from snarling at her. It's not a lie in the slightest. But it's not the entire truth either.

It's so irritating though. The war only ended seventeen years ago and people barely remember what happened. I don't mind being forgotten myself, but Rachel deserves better. She saved the damn planet after all!

Oh to Hell with this. I push away from my desk and stand. I'm not wasting my time with this nonsense. If they want to fail me, let them but being here just brings back too many memories I've spent years trying to forget. The teacher yells after me as I walk out, but I ignore her.

"I'm sorry, he's been having some problems at home. I'll make sure he stays out of trouble," Raquel's voice reaches my ears followed by her footsteps.

"Hey!" she grabs my hand as I reach the trees, "Are you ok?"

I don't answer as I focus on reigning in my anger. Although I've been in control of my changes almost since I first became a werewolf, if I'm not careful my emotions can still trigger one involuntarily. Changing in full view of the school is not exactly something I need to deal with right now either.

"You don't talk about it much...The War I mean," Raquel says quietly as I slowly stop shaking. She's one of the few left in the world who knows who I am, though even she doesn't have any idea of the things I went through or the things I did.

"What's to tell?" I murmur, more to myself than to her, "It was a war. People died."

"Talk to me, please," she hugs me and presses her lips against mine.

"You wouldn't understand," I pull away and she sighs.

"It's because of her isn't it," she says, more than a trace of bitterness in her voice, "because I look like her and sound like her. But I'm not her!"

I risk looking her in the eyes and she glares at me.

"I'm not trying to make light of your feelings," her anger fades and her face and voice twist with the threat of tears, "but she's dead and I'm alive. I'm here.

"Her ghost is making you miserable," she whispers, leaning her head against my chest and I'm certain she's crying now, "and if she loved you even half as much as you think she did, she wouldn't want that."

"What am I supposed to do?" I hug her, though I suppose, again, it's not really her I'm asking the question.

"Let her go," she says quietly, pleading, "you've carried her torch long enough. It's time to let her rest."

The woods are quiet around us. We've had this conversation before. The first few times I'd been angry with her, but the angrier I got, the more I realized that she's right. Of course she is. It's the same advice Calli gave me three years ago and I've yet to see that woman be wrong about anything.

But just because she's right doesn't make what I know I have to do any easier. Rachel is...was my world. How am I supposed to let her go?

"You saw that back there," I wave towards the school, "no one even remembers her. If I let her go...if I forget, what will happen to her? What will she have died for?"

"No!" she grabs my face and forces me to look her in the eyes again, "Don't forget. I'd never ask you to forget. But you need to let go...to live again. It's what she would want."

My shoulders slump. I don't know...

Yes I do. I've known for a long time what I need to do.

And I also know that it's going to be the most painful thing I've ever done.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Luckily Grandma Calli decided to help us out when Tobias made his decision. Otherwise Dad would have never let me head off alone on a road trip with my boyfriend. He still wasn't happy regardless, but he agreed to let us go.

I look over at Tobias. He's asleep in the passenger seat, snoring quietly. He asked me to drive, least he lose his nerve. My heart swells as I look at him; he's terrified of what he's planning to do. To think he's still holding on to her so tightly...I'm not her, but...it still makes me love him even more. I don't know what I did to ever deserve him. I just wish he would realize that I... But he won't, can't. Not yet. Perhaps soon though. My stomach twists into a knot at the thought. I'm not overly sure how I feel about him finding out...what if he hates me?

That's getting ahead of ourselves though. As much as I suspect it to be true, it may not be. It's possible I'm not... I shake my head to dispel those thoughts. There's no use dwelling on them now and maybe not ever.

The miles pass by, taking us closer to our destination. He's gone every year since we met but this is the first time I've gone with him. That's actually the only reason we're driving. If he were alone he would just run.

Now that I think of it, we haven't run together in a while. I miss that; even beyond the inevitable make-out sessions that follow. There's just something familiar about it. It's almost as if it tugs at a long forgotten memory. But I can never remember that that memory is.

Grandma Calli had told me the truth three years ago. I hadn't believed her then but as time went on I became convinced. There's no way for me to know for sure but...between Grandma Calli's suspicions and my own feelings, I'm certain it is true.

I bite my lip and check my mirrors. There's something I have to do on this trip too.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"I'll wait here," Raquel says quietly and squeezes my hand, "take as long as you need, ok?"

I nod, not really seeing her and slowly head into the park, clutching my backpack tightly. Soon I'm completely alone in the darkness, but I'm not worried about getting lost - I know this path by heart.

The moon peaks out from behind the clouds as the monument comes into view and I pause. For a minute I hesitate. Surely I don't have to do this now. What's another year or two? But if I don't do this tonight, now, I'm certain I never will.

I force my legs to move forward, though they feel like they're made of cement. My eyes take in the words as always and I take a deep breath. Stiffly I set down my bag and open it.

I pull out a small shovel and set to work, ignoring the small, white, china urn that glints back at me from the bag. Soon I have a deep enough hole and I put the shovel aside. Wiping my hands on my pants I carefully set the urn in front of the memorial.

For a long time I just look at the container. How often have I thought about how small it is? It seems far to tiny to possibly hold all that remains of my friend.

"Hi Rachel," I whisper, sitting, "it's been a while."

My stomach twists into a knot and I stop. Several minutes pass while I simply focus on breathing and maintaining my form; pain can force a change too.

"I can't do this anymore Rachel." I continue once I'm able to breath again and am certain I'm not going to change, "Not a single day has gone by that I haven't missed you but no matter how badly I want to see you again, I know I won't.

"Seventeen years. It doesn't really seem like a lot when said aloud but to live it...well that would have been a lifetime were I still a hawk.

"A lot has changed since you...I've...I've changed.

"I still love you and I always will. No matter what happens I need you to know that. But the truth is, I've met someone else. In some ways she's a lot like you and yet she's also very different. I think...I think you would like her.

"She isn't you though and so long as I'm holding onto you I can't be fair to her. I don't want to say goodbye but I'm...I'm just so tired of being alone. Everyone I've ever cared about me has left. My father, my mother...you. You promised me forever and then...

"But I'm going to be ok. It's taken me a long time to realize that but I'm not the scared little kid who bullies picked on anymore. I endured that and I can endure...have endured...this. So above all I want to say 'Thank You'. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times would never be enough. You saved me in ways I'll never be able to explain and I'll never forget you. You made a difference, mattered, to me if no one else. So you can rest now. You've more than earned it."

I gasp and sob, tears pouring down my face. Slowly I place Rachel's urn in the hole and cover it. Grief at what I've just done overwhelms me and before I can stop it, I change.

There is one more thing that I can do now that I couldn't do seventeen years ago.

A hawk can't cry.

A wolf can.

**x-x-x-x-x**

My heart nearly breaks as Tobias' cry reaches my ears. The pain contained within that sound is something I already know will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Tears run down my cheeks and I bite my fist to stifle a sob. This is my fault. He's hurting like this because of my selfishness and his pain hurts me.

He cries for a long time and I cry along with him. When at last he grows silent I get out of the car and wait. Eventually he appears out of the darkness, walking slowly. He looks older and drained, but also somehow...lighter.

I wrap my arms around him as he reaches me and he sags into my embrace. His own arms squeeze me tightly and I gasp in a mixture of surprise and pleasure. He's never done that except after a hunt.

For what seems like a long time we don't move but finally he releases me and we climb into the car to drive back to the motel we're staying in. He doesn't say anything and I don't ask...now isn't the time...and when we get back to the room he just lies down in his clothes.

I watch him until he falls asleep and then, leaving a note I wrote earlier in case he wakes before I return, I sneak back out.

It's my turn.

I head back to the memorial in the early hours of the morning. If possible it feels even more deserted now than it had before.

Although he'd carefully replaced the grass he dug up I can still see where the dirt was disturbed. This is going to be very weird, knowing what I do, but I want to do it anyway.

"Hi," I start as I sit, "we've met before, I guess, but we've never been properly introduced. I'm Raquel. According to my dad he saw you in a dream before I was born so he named me after you. I don't know if that's true or not but I hope you don't mind. Personally I think it's pretty cool to be named after a hero.

"I was here earlier actually, with Tobias, though I was waiting in the car. I wanted him to have time alone with you before we spoke. I don't know what he said but I can imagine. So I guess you've figured out now that I'm the other woman.

"That sounds horrible doesn't it? Like I'm stealing him from you. But the truth is, there's no competition. If he actually had a choice between you and I, I'd lose every time.

"I'm jealous really, to see how much he still loves you, even after all this time. But also happy too, you know? He's capable of such devotion...I hope I can earn even half of that someday.

"He's absolutely terrified of forgetting you; it's his biggest fear. I think that's probably why he's afraid of letting me get too close. It's silly though," I laugh, "he doesn't need to worry because he could never forget you even if he tried. And I wouldn't want him to either.

"This is so frustrating though. He's my soul mate, I'm certain of it, which means there's a good chance that I was once you. There's no way for me to prove it...he's the only one who will know for sure. But if it is true you understand why I'm frustrated. Fighting against who I once was to claim the heart of the person I love.

"But I'm not you. Even if we may have once been the same person. I'm Raquel. And I'm not going to lose to a ghost!

"Still, I want to thank you for keeping him alive long enough for me to find him. I think, maybe, you of all people can understand what that means to me. You don't have to worry anymore though. I promise I'll take good care of him. He'll be ok - I'm going to do everything I can to make sure of that."

For a long time I sit quietly, just looking at the memorial. The last time I was here I hadn't known there was a possibility that this place is dedicated to who I'd been in my past life. Again, I can't prove it and it's not like I have any of her memories - just an overwhelming sense of familiarity when I'm with Tobias. It's almost like a constant feeling of deja vu.

After I learned of the possibility though I looked into it. The facts make sense. My father said Rachel came to him in a dream...within hours of her supposed time of death. Almost exactly nine months later I was born. Plus, according to Tobias, I look similar to her despite no one in my traceable family tree ever having blond hair or blue eyes. And apparently I sound like her...which is just plain bizarre.

It's not proof by any standard, but I wasn't raised to believe in coincidences. And that's a lot of coincidences. Fate has a reason for everything is what I've been taught, even if we may never understand what those reasons are.

Slow footsteps behind me bring me out of my thoughts and I turn to see who's there. An older woman stands on the path, a small vase of flowers in her hands. As my eyes meet hers her mouth drops open and her body trembles.

"Rachel?"


	15. Return to Me

Hey look at this! Two updates in one week! Yes I have a bit of time to actually type up these chapters now that I've finished Infamous 2 for the first time and am now working on a second for the alternate ending. But then nothing till I get my hands on a copy of Dishonored! I should actually get back to that pile of books I have to read...and type up the rest of the chapters I have done XD

I need more hours in the day.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"Rachel?" the woman repeats, tears shinning in her eyes, her voice wavering.

Although I've never seen her before I suddenly have a strong feeling that I know exactly who she is. If I'm right...holy shit this is going to be awkward.

"Rachel, please, say something," she pleads and I can hear that she's a scant couple of seconds away from breaking down.

"I'm sorry," I say quietly and I hear her heart skip a beat, "but I'm not..."

Her shoulders slump and she shakes her head sadly.

"No, I'm sorry," she whispers and then continues on a bit louder, "please forgive me. I'm just a foolish old woman seeing ghosts."

She walks forward slowly and places the vase in front of the memorial. Although she doesn't look directly at me I see her watching me out of the corner of her eye. But then her gaze falls on the disturbed ground and a look of puzzlement crosses her face.

"Not that I mind the company, but why are you at my daughter's grave at two o'clock in the morning?" she asks, her voice quiet again. I look at her closer; she's exactly who I suspected she was.

"I wanted to talk to her," I look away, "my, well my boyfriend knew her and was here earlier. So I wanted to say hello too."

She looks at me directly now, obviously doing the math in her head and confused by the results.

"You couldn't have been much more than a baby when my daughter...and your boyfriend knew her?"

"He's quite a bit older than me," I nod, "and I hadn't even been born when..."

"You, you look a lot like my Rachel..." she says abruptly and then grimaces, "you even sound like her. What's your name?"

"My boyfriend said the same thing when I met him...he even had the same reaction you did," I laugh as I remember how he stared, it hadn't even phased me then, "and my name is...Raquel."

Her eyes widen and she stares at me.

"Yes," I nod, answering the question I know she's thinking, "the story goes that my dad saw Rachel in a dream right before he found out my mom was pregnant...so he named me after her."

"That's...odd," she settles on after a minute.

"You don't know the half of it," I grin at her and then laugh again. I wonder what she would do if she knew the truth...?

She stares at me once more, her mouth open, eyes wet with tears. A small sob escapes her throat and she pulls a handkerchief from her purse to blot her eyes. The tears come anyway though and, before I realize what I'm doing, I wrap my arms around her in a hug.

"Oh I'm sorry," she says a few minutes later as she tries to straighten her face out, "you don't need some strange woman crying on you like that. It's just...you really do remind me of her and..."

She trails off and takes a few deep breaths. For a moment I think she's about to start crying again but she manages to get herself under control.

"We didn't part on good terms. At the end...she was so angry at me because I didn't want to believe how serious the situation was - that she had been fighting for years and I never noticed." Her eyes glisten with more tears and I can feel a few slip from my own, "The last thing I said to her was that I was embarrassed to call her my daughter with what she had become. And the last thing she said to me was that she hated me.

"What kind of mother says something like that to her own child? I wanted to apologize, to tell her the truth. But she left...and never came back," she looks at me, "if you ever have children of your own don't ever do what I did. You don't even want to imagine what it feels like to know your child died hating you...and that you deserved it."

She grows silent and my tears mirror hers. Quietly she stares at Rachel's memorial and I can't help but see the agony on her face. Even I know that she's right. I can't even begin to understand how she must hurt. But...maybe I can help her.

"If you want," I say softly once a few minutes have passed, "If you want to pretend that I'm her and say everything you never got to say, I wouldn't mind. I'm sure she'll hear you and...maybe it might hurt a little less to get it off your chest."

She looks at me closely, biting her lip. I can see that she seriously wants to...is very tempted.

"I promise, whatever you say will stay between us," I smile as warmly as I can manage, "please, go ahead."

"Could I...no, I shouldn't impose," she shakes her head, trying to convince herself not to.

"Impose away," I give her another grin, "Fate knows looking like her has never done me any good but maybe it can do you some."

She doesn't say anything so I sit quietly, waiting and listening to the low murmur of the night insects in the trees and grass. I don't know why exactly, but I want to help this woman...have to help her.

"Rachel, honey," she says at last, her voice little more than a shaky whisper, "I'm angry. Not at you, but at myself. All these years you've been carrying so much on your shoulders - been fighting so hard for all of us - and I never noticed a thing. You needed me and I wasn't there for you. And now, knowing what's been going on, I still haven't been there for you.

"I need you to know that I'm sorry for what I said - I didn't mean it. You're my daughter, I could never be ashamed of you - nothing could be further from the truth. The truth...the truth is that I don't have the words to tell you how proud I am of the amazing young woman you've become and I just wish I could say that I helped you become her," she pauses, another small sob escaping her lips.

"But I haven't been there for you - not for a long time - and for that I am also sorry. I only hope that one day I can earn your forgiveness for being such a horrible mother. You deserved far better.

"You're doing what you have to do - I get that though it doesn't mean I like it. You should have never had to carry this burden, but you were chosen - by some act of God or Fate - and I don't think a better choice could have been made. Even so, I look forward to the day when you don't have to fight anymore - when you can laugh again and not have to be constantly looking over your shoulder for an enemy you can't see.

"When that day comes I'll be here waiting. You can tell me everything if you want. I probably won't understand, but I can listen at very least.

"Above all, I love you. No matter how mad we might be at each other that will never change. I love you and I am so very proud of you."

**x-x-x-x-x**

I gasp, drained and out of breath but I feel...lighter, somehow than I have in years. My eyes are wet and I'm sure I look like a mess but I feel...good. The young woman visiting my daughter leans over and hugs me tightly. It pulls at very old memory - the last time I hugged my oldest daughter - and I gently hug her back.

"Wanna hear a secret?" she whispers without letting go.

A secret? What sort of secret?

"My people say that when a person dies, their soul is reborn into a new life," she says without waiting for an answer. The breath catches in my throat. What is she saying?

She pulls back to look at me and I gasp. Tears stream down her face from eyes that don't belong to the girl I'd been talking to. She grins at me and it's my daughter's face I'm seeing.

"I never hated you. I was just frustrated and scared," she says quietly, "and I'm sorry for saying that. And you weren't a horrible mother. You were there when it counted, even if you don't realize it."

Again she leans in to hug me tightly and I wrap my arms around her.

"I love you mom," she breathes in my ear, "thank you."

"Rachel?"

"Hmm?" she pulls back and I blink. Her face has changed again - my daughter is gone. Once again it's the young woman - Raquel she said her name was. Did I just imagine that? But tears still stream down her face and looking closely I see Rachel reflected in her eyes. The reflection grins and laughs, holding a finger up to her lips and I smile back at her.

What was it she said? Souls are reborn? So then that means this girl is... Could that really be true? I suppose I've seen stranger though. And my daughter was one of the most stubborn people I've ever met. If anyone could find a way to cheat Death I'd bet on her in a heartbeat.

"You said your name is Raquel?" I return my gaze to the girl as my daughter's reflection fades, "Thank you for that. Do you mind talking for a bit? I'd like to know a little about you."

She wipes her eyes and looks back at me, her mouth pulling into a grin. There's no doubt about it, that's my daughter's grin. I'd know it anywhere.

"Thank you," I say silently to whoever may be listening. I'd lost whatever faith I'd had seventeen years ago. But perhaps, maybe, there is a God after all.

**x-x-x-x-x**

We talk for a long time; Naomi wants to know everything about me. It's weird - it's almost as if she suspects who I may have once been and is trying to make up for lost time. But I haven't even hinted at the possibility that I'm the reincarnation of her daughter. So how could she know?

Still, I tell her everything she asks. I can't help myself. Talking to her reminds me so much of talking to my own mother. She isn't shocked at all when I tell her I'm actually a werewolf. Then again, her daughter could become a couple dozen different animals herself so I suppose me turning into a wolf isn't all that impressive.

Finally she asks the question I've been dreading. How will she react to this?

"You mentioned you're dating a guy who knew my daughter. Who is he?"

The sky has begun to lighten though the sun has yet to peek over the horizon. I look down at the patch of disturbed grass and she follows my gaze.

"He's the one who did that," I say quietly.

"What did he dig up the ground for?" She's still puzzled, "It's common knowledge that my daughter's ashes aren't here."

"Take a look," I suggest, "I don't think he'll mind if it's you."

She reaches forward hesitantly and touches the spot Tobias dug up. Even though neither of us were here, I think we both have a good idea of what my boyfriend left - which means she probably suspects who it is I'm dating.

Slowly she pulls back first one handful of dirt, then another. The hole isn't that deep and as the sun finally starts to appear the light hits a small white urn.

"Oh!" Naomi gasps and looks at me, tears in her eyes again, "Tobias."

I nod and watch as she carefully lifts the lid off the urn, probably not believing what it is she's seeing.

"What's that?" I ask, voicing the question I'm sure she's thinking as well. She reaches in and withdraws a folded piece of paper - gently shaking some ashes off as she does.

Unfolding the paper she holds it so we can both read. Her eyes go wide and I'm sure mine have done the same. She sits back hard, staring at the paper.

"I never knew," she whispers.

"Nor I," I shake my head, though it certainly explains a lot, "I bet no one did."

"And the date," fresh tears trickle from Naomi's eyes.

I nod, fighting back tears of my own. I saw that too. Tobias and Rachel had been married exactly one day before she was killed.

There is one more thing I noticed and I motion for Naomi to turn the certificate over. Scrawled on the back, amidst what can only be tear stains are two words in my boyfriend's handwriting.

"Thank you," Naomi reads aloud as we both lose the battle with our tears.

**x-x-x-x-x**

My Rachel, my little girl, married! I just can't get my head around that. I wonder if they...but of course they did. My little girl wasn't as little as I thought.

I just wish I had known. I would have tried harder to find him - though I still doubt I would have been successful. Even though I had help from the surviving Animorphs, none of us had been able to find Tobias. He just didn't want to be found.

"Tobias, he's ok? He's here?" I ask Raquel.

"As well as can be expected," she rubs at her eyes and motions towards my daughter's ashes, "he's still in love with her after all these years."

"But the two of you...?"

"I love him," she shrugs, "and I think he loves me too. But I've had to accept that I'll never be the only one in his heart."

"That doesn't bother you?"

"Of course it does, but it also gives me a goal," she grins and for half a second I see my daughter again, "because I know what he's capable of - loving Rachel for so long after she's been gone. If I can earn half, even a quarter of that someday I'll still be the luckiest girl alive."

Wow. Who would have thought such a young child could give such a mature answer. But then again, I've been surprised by children before.

"Oh sweetie," I reach over and pull her into a hug, "I don't think you'll have any problem getting more than half."

After all, she won him over completely once before. I'm sure she'll be able to do it again.

"Could I talk to him? I actually have something I need to give him," I reach into my purse and check that the envelope is still there. I'm not worried really; I've had it on me at all times since I found it seventeen years ago - just in case I ran into Tobias.

"Of course," she stands, "we have a room at a small motel a few miles down the road."

I refold the marriage certificate and return it to my daughter's urn. Replacing the lid I cover it again, carefully pushing the dirt back into place.

Raquel helps me to my feet and, threading my arm through hers, we start walking back to my car.

"I didn't see any other cars in the lot..." I start and then realize how she got here before I finish.

"I ran," she grins - my daughter for the space of a blink - and points over her shoulder to the small backpack she's wearing, "I didn't want to wake Tobias starting the car."

"Ah, I see," I chuckle and she takes a deep breath as we approach my car.

Next to me she freezes, her eyes wary as she looks around. I squeeze her hand and raise an eyebrow as she looks at me.

"Rogue wolves," she says quietly and reaches into her pocket, "three males...they probably just smelled me and want to investigate. Female werewolves aren't very common."

She pulls a key from her pocket and presses it into my hand.

"Room fourteen at the Motel Six down the road," she says quietly, "if I'm not there in twenty minutes bring Tobias here."

"I am not leaving you!" I hiss at her, tightening my grip on her hand, "just get in the car and we'll go."

"They'll just track us," she shakes her head, "If I keep all three here then they'll leave you alone. Don't worry, I'll be fine - they won't hurt me."

I look at her. She can't seriously expect me to leave her alone. But yes, yes I can see that that's exactly what she expects.

"Please Naomi," she gives me a hug and kisses my cheek, "Go see Tobias. I'll be right behind you, I promise."

I sigh and shake my head. She's as stubborn as Rachel ever was, that's for sure.

"Fine," I say and open my car's door, "fifteen minutes and I'm coming back."

"Ok," she smiles and steps back as I get in and start my car.

I pull away, one eye watching her as I drive off. Fifteen minutes. I'm not going to lose her a second time.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Come on out boys," I laugh and turn towards where they're hiding, "I can smell you."

They emerge from the trees, their eyes hungry as they stare at me. I was right about them being three guys but they're younger than I'd expected. I thought they would be in their mid to late twenties but really they're only a year or two older than I am. Maybe they're just out screwing around and not really looking for trouble.

"So what's a pretty thing like you doing out here by yourself," the one who looks to be the oldest nearly purrs, his eyes focused on my chest. A tough guy is he? I laugh again and crack my knuckles loudly.

"Visiting my grave, you?" I grin and shrug off my backpack.

"Oh you know, raisin a bit of hell," he grins, circling me as his friends follow his lead, "wanna join us?"

"I'd love to guys, but my boyfriend is going to be here soon and I really don't want him to have to bother with you so if we're gonna play let's go already," I flash my teeth at them, a challenge.

The eldest's eyes widen and he snarls in response. I just laugh again and grin as they advance.

**x-x-x-x-x**

A loud knocking wakes me from a restless sleep. I still feel drained though I feel...much better than I thought I would.

I blink and look around. I don't see Raquel. I wonder where she is?

Standing my hand lands on something cool that crinkles as I put my weight on it. Paper? I look at it and realize it's a note from my absent girlfriend - she's gone to Rachel's grave herself.

So that's where she is. What did she go there for?

The knocking persists and I get up to see who's there at, I look at the clock, such an ungodly hour.

With a yawn I open the door, not bothering to check who it is.

"Tobias?"

**x-x-x-x-x**

I knock on the door but there's no answer. Reaching into my pocket I pull out the key Raquel gave me. She did say room fourteen right? The key turns in the lock though and the door opens. No one is inside.

"Oh good, you found it," a voice says from behind me and I turn towards it.

"Oh thank God!" I throw my arms around Raquel in a hug. There's a bit of blood smudged on her shirt and a bruise on her cheek but she looks fine otherwise, "Don't you do that to me again!"

"I'm ok Naomi, really," she hugs me back though, "you talk to Tobias yet?"

"He's not here," I look at her and motion towards the empty room. Panic flashes across her face and she pushes passed me.

"Tobias?" she calls, ducking into the bathroom and I can hear the fear in her voice, "Tobias!"

I look around too but unless turning invisible is something he can do now, he's not here. The bed is unmade though and looks recently slept in and my eyes fall on a small piece of paper.

"Raquel," I pass the paper to her as she hurries over. The panic fades somewhat as she reads the note.

"A friend of his Uncle's came," she says once she's done - I already read it but I don't say anything, "his Uncle is dying and he's gone to see him."

Relief fills her voice and she sinks onto the bed. It hits me that she doesn't realize what that means. Maybe she doesn't know who...what...Tobias' Uncle is.

"You're going to have to wait a few days to talk to him I guess," she smiles at me, "at least until he gets back."

No she clearly doesn't know who Tobias' Uncle is...at least not the Uncle he would have dropped everything to go see.

"Raquel," I sit next to her and wrap my arms around her, "if he's gone to see his Uncle he's not going to be back in a few days."

"What? Of course he will," she looks at me confused and I shake my head.

"Sweetie, his Uncle doesn't live on this planet," I take a deep breath, "he's an Andalite."

Her face falls as this sinks in.

"Oh," she whispers, the note falling from her hands.


	16. Exodus

Ok, sorry for the long delay in getting this up. I didn't actually have this chapter written when I posted the previous one. I had planned on using a different chapter (which is written) but changed my mind upon posting chapter 15.

Then, even after finishing chapter 16 my desktop decided to give me the big ole finger and refuse to work properly. So I fired up my netbook to discover that it no longer wanted to connect to the internet. Frustration ensued. But we're back and in other news I actually figured out how this story ends! I think it's around chapter 20 or so.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

The metal floor is cold underneath my belly. Luckily my long fur prevents me from being too bothered by it, even if it had come as something of a shock. When Killian told me we needed to hurry I thought he was just exaggerating to get me to move. But he'd been in such a rush that he hadn't even waited for a deep space vessel to become available. Instead, he took the first ship he found which happened to be a transport ship - one definitely not designed for living on for extended periods of time. Thus the usual amenities such as fresh water streams and lush grass floors are missing entirely.

Not that any of that bothers me. As a human it might have been a problem, but I'm a wolf. We're very adaptable creatures. Although the lack of fresh meat is making me irritable - I'd only had time to grab a small pack with a change of clothes in it before we left. Still, I should be ok for a few days.

Really, my only big worry is that the others are here too. Cassie, Marco and...Jake. I'm not ready to talk to them...at least not until I figure out how to tell them about Raquel. And I will have to tell them about her, even if I'd rather not. At some point I'm going to have to change back to human and that's going to bring on a lot of questions; the answer to which Raquel is an integral part.

When Killian told me he'd already gathered the others I'd nearly panicked. After a few minutes of fighting the urge to bolt for the door I'd asked him to tell them he hadn't been able to locate me. Reluctantly he agreed - he didn't like the idea of lying to his friend and Commander's guests. But when I explained my reasoning he understood and when they inevitably asked about the wolf they saw wandering around he just told them that I was a companion he'd picked up while on Earth.

It's a flimsy story at best and won't fool anyone for long. But it doesn't have to. All I need it to do is buy me a little bit of time while I figure out how to tell my old comrades what I've been up to these past years.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Together again! You and me, together again..."

"Marco, knock it off already," I grit my teeth, "you're giving me a headache."

I'd forgotten how annoying Marco gets when he's bored. Its been years since I've seen either him or Jake...unless you count the rare movie I've seen with him in it. I used to be able to ignore him easily, but right now I'm too worried to tune him out.

Ax is dying - may even be dead already. On top of that Killian hadn't been able to find Tobias, despite the fact that he's the one who should be here above even the rest of us. Worse still is what our other friend missing may mean. Ax sent Killian because he expected the younger Andalite to be able to find us all. That he hadn't found Tobias indicates that maybe...maybe we've been reduced to a group of four already.

"Oh lighten up Cassie," Marco laughs, "you're becoming as uptight as Jake here."

He playfully punches his former best friend in the arm, trying to get a response from him. In the old days it would have worked. Now, however, Jake barely spares the other guy a glance. Not that I'd really expected anything; Jake hasn't said a word yet. Hell, he's barely even acknowledged our presence.

I sigh and rub my temples. So much has changed over the years. The three of us are much different from the teenage warriors we had been. Marco starts singing again and I try very hard to ignore him. Ok, so maybe he hasn't changed that much after all. Rachel would have...

I wince slightly. It's been a while since I thought about my own former best friend. Although I suppose that was inevitable given the circumstances. Normally I'm too busy for my thoughts to remind me of her...of what I did to her. But now...

My eyes drift to the wolf sleeping in the corner a half dozen paces away. Odd to find a tame wolf...as the companion of an Andalite no less. Odder still that it allows itself to be used as a beast of burden carrying that knapsack like it is. Thinking about my friend and the boy she'd been in love with...this wolf's fur is similar to the color of Tobias' hair. An odd coincidence; even if it's a common enough coloring for wolves.

Tobias. I wonder if he's really gone. If he is I hope that he and Rachel are together again - that somehow they've found each other once more. After all that happened they both deserve that at the very least.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I look around to be sure that no one else is around before I change and pull on my clothing. So far the others haven't found out about me but it's only a matter of time.

"Any reply to my messages?" I ask Killian.

[Not yet. Though honestly I don't even know if they've gotten through. Z space has been acting very strange these past couple of years,] Killian shrugs and I have to stop myself from laughing. He's obviously been around humans, or maybe just Ax, for a long time. Regardless, he's put up with my bugging him about my messages without complaining.

But the lack of any reply bothers me. I didn't have time to explain things to Raquel before I left so I sent her a message as soon as I could. Actually, I've sent her several at this point - one a day - but so far I haven't heard back from her. I just hope she understands why I had to leave so quickly. Ax is pretty much the only family I ever had. I had to go.

Still, that hasn't made leaving Raquel any easier. Its only been a few days but I already miss her. I just wish I knew how long we're going to be apart.

I sigh. This should have only been a two day trip to the Andalite home world, but according to Killian we're looking at closer to two weeks due to z space's current configuration. A long time ago Ax had tried to explain to me how z space worked. I hadn't really understood it then and now after all these years all I really remember is that it shifts constantly and the same trip can vary greatly from hour to hour.

[I'll let you know the moment something comes through,] Killian assures me, smiling with his eyes, [I'm sure your mate will understand.]

I open my mouth to explain that Raquel is my girlfriend, not my mate, but stop myself. Andalites don't have a comparable term or concept for either 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend'. To them a couple are either mates or not. Oh well. It's not like it matters how others see our...very odd relationship. We both know and, at least for now, that will have to be enough.


	17. Rebels Without A Cause

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

One of the rogues leaps at me, his fangs slicing into my skin as my elbow catches him in the jaws. Before he can leap away I grab him by the ears and smash his head onto my knee; the sound of shattering bone momentarily blocking all other sounds. I toss him aside and snarl at the others - their comrade not moving. They glare at me and I can see the hatred in their eyes. I don't care though. I'm used to it. I've seen that same look a thousand times before.

"Get out of here," I spit and then snarl once more, baring my teeth, "now!"

Slowly they retreat, save their friend who won't be moving ever again. I watch them go, my whole body tense and I don't relax even after the last of them disappears into the woods.

I'm so tired of this nonsense. Two years is a very long time to be fighting an invasion by yourself. I hope Piotr is rotting in some sort of Hell for this. If only that stupid wolf hadn't had the gall to attack my father none of this would have happened. My mom would still be ok and my Dad would still care what happened to our pack. Kyle and Alex would still be here.

No. As much as I hate Piotr for what he did, this is all Derek's fault really. He's the one who instigated his nephew to attack my Dad. If not for him I wouldn't have had to take on the duties of Alpha. I hadn't been ready - shouldn't have had to have been ready for years to come yet.

About the only stroke of luck I had was that Piotr's attack had been pre-emptive for whatever Derek had been planning. Thus the first real offensive hadn't come right away and I'd had time to prepare; something Derek's forces have been paying for ever since. Despite the fact that I'm holding my own...and have been holding my own...I'm about ready to just gather my pack and clear out.

But even if I want to do that, I know it's not an option. My father is an Alpha and abandoning our territory under these circumstances would show weakness. Doing so would be no different than dumping blood in shark infested waters. There would be a literal feeding frenzy as rogues from all over - not just ones associated with Derek - would descend on us; each seeking the glory that killing an Alpha would bring them.

No. As bad as the situation is now, running would only make it infinitely worse. When prey runs, wolves can't help but give chase. I suppose that's just as well; I don't like running away anyway.

Even knowing all this though, the thought of just leaving it all behind is so tempting.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I watch as Earth gets closer on the view screen. Its been a very long time since I saw my home planet like this. Not since...but that was almost twenty years ago now. Has it really been that long?

"I'd forgotten how beautiful it is," Cassie says and gives me a small smile. I just nod. We're all thinking the same thing.

It's been a long trip - even without z space being unusually difficult. This was the first time all of us were together since before the war ended. But no...that's not right. We hadn't all been together, not really, and we never will be again.

There were five of us that night so many years ago. Five of us who walked into that construction site as ordinary kids and walked out as soldiers - even though we didn't fully realize it at the time. Not long after Ax joined us and we were six. For a long time it was just six before we became seven. Then back to six again almost as quickly. Longer still our numbers stayed the same until eventually there were too many of us to keep track of. That didn't last long though and we were six once again. And finally, five once more.

Now that five had become four. Truly we are a dying breed - an endangered species all our own.

Still, I don't regret going - although doing so had dug up a lot of memories I'd spent years trying to bury. Ax had been my friend, my Shorm, even before we learned we were family. Nothing could have stopped me from going when he called.

But I'm glad to be home again. I need to see Raquel at least so I know she's alright. I can't imagine she's waited for me for two years – not after the way I left. My heart gives a painful squeeze at the thought of her with someone else, but I made my choice. There's no reason she shouldn't be happy just because I'm not.

I sigh as the ship descends through the atmosphere and the others look at me. Just a little bit longer now.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"You know, you guys don't have to come with me, I grumble for the dozenth time.

"Oh quit whining, that's my job," Marco punches me lightly in the shoulder as his jeep bounces wildly down the dirt road.

"We understand why you did it," Cassie says quietly, holding onto the seat as the jeep tries to throw us all out – Marco's driving hasn't improved any in the last twenty years that's for sure, "but the last time you disappeared on us we didn't see or hear from you for seventeen years. We don't want that happening again."

I start to glare at her but shake my head instead. There was at least one day a year that they knew exactly where I would be. They could have found me easily – I hadn't exactly been hiding. Although none of us will admit it out loud the truth is we all had been dealing with the pain the war left with us in our own way. I retreated from human society. Jake withdrew into himself. Cassie and Marco drowned themselves in work. I decide to glare at Cassie after all.

"Oh give it a rest Cassie," Marco laughs, "as much as we all missed bird-boy you know full well why we're all here."

He looks at me in the rearview mirror and winks, but then turns serious for a moment.

"We need to see with our own eyes," he says quietly.

Even Jake nods – the barest dip of his chin, but a nod. He hasn't said much the entire trip. Actually, from what I understand, he hasn't said much the last fifteen years.

I scowl though; I know full well why they're here. Ax had been very sick – too sick to even form proper thought speech half the time. So Ester had come up with a device that allowed us to view his thoughts directly. She'd insisted I try it, like a kid showing off her new toy – though I suspect it had been more to distract herself from the fact that her mate was dying than anything else.

So I tried it and, naturally, the first thing that popped into my head was the one thing I didn't want any of them to know about – though I had known I wouldn't be able to keep it from them. My first thought as soon as I fired up the device had been of Raquel.

Thankfully she had been fully clothed in that daydream – something rare if I'm being honest – or at least she started out that way. We were standing at the edge of the woods outside her house and I was watching her from a distance. She looked over her shoulder, knowing full well that I was there and with a grin she stripped out of her clothing to change. With another grin she raced off into the woods, her tail high – a signal that she wanted to play.

I deactivated the device with a curse but the damage was done. Everyone looked at me, wide eyed and mouths open - those who had mouths at least.

Cassie had been the first to ask if that had been Rachel. As if I would have kept it a secret had she somehow managed to cheat Death. They'd been even more surprised when I told them her name and how she got it. Actually, thinking back, their reactions weren't far from what mine had been. Once Ax went, however, they decided they were going to come meet her when we got back to Earth.

So I was returning, Animorphs in tow, with a few mementos of my Andalite family.

I don't know how well this will go over with the village. Werewolves are notoriously suspicious of outsiders and even more so of non-wolves. Marco had suggested trying to use their wolf morphs to pass themselves off as Werewolves but I quickly squashed that idea. Both their coloring and their scents would have given them away instantly, never-mind their eyes.

In the end we decided to utilize an old standby that had worked in the past. Going in without a plan. Just like the old days. I sigh again. Some things never change.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm awakened by screams in the middle of the night. With a sigh I glance at the clock and drag myself from bed. Fifteen minutes since I last looked – not that I'd actually been asleep. I hate to admit it but I'm too afraid to sleep – have been for months now. Every time I close my eyes I see Alex's face and I can't bear that.

I'm already dressed – there's no real point in changing into my pajamas when I'm not going to sleep anyway.

I won't complain though. Fighting this war alone was my decision. There are a number of wolves who have stayed with me, despite my father's betrayal, but these rogues are after my father and he doesn't deserve my pack's help for what he did. So as acting Alpha I gave the others strict orders not to engage the rogues unless they or another pack member – myself excluded – are attacked. This is a family matter; there's no reason for anyone else to get hurt over this.

As I exit my house I can already see flames illuminating the night sky. This isn't the first time the rogues have tried burning down the village and an effort is already underway to put out the fires.

Out of the smoke they come – a couple more than earlier. Again I sigh. This is going to be a long night.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The wind brings the smell of smoke to my nose long before we get near the village. There doesn't seem to be any cause for alarm though; the fires are mostly out by the time we pull in and it doesn't look like there had been many to begin with. Still I grab the first person I see.

"What's going on?" I ask before he can pull away.

"You!" his eyes widen when he looks at me, "The Princess is in the square, hurry!"

He doesn't have to say anymore as I'm already racing through the streets, not worrying about the others. Fear sears through my veins, hotter than any of the fires, as the memory of the last time I saw Rachel alive bubbles to the surface of my mind. Not again, not again! Never again!

I slow as I arrive at the square. Already I can see that my panic is unwarranted. The others are right behind me but I hold out my hand, signaling them to stay put, and we watch. Even though my mind realizes there's no need to worry, my body tenses and my skin itches, ready to spring in to help.

But Raquel doesn't need help, despite being out numbered. Eight wolves surround her but there are five already sprawled out on the ground. Even from this distance I can see that they aren't getting up anytime soon, if ever.

"That her?" Marco asks and then whistles when I nod.

The wolves converge on her as a unit and my breath catches in my throat. But as fast as they are, she's faster and in a flurry of fists, feet, knees and elbows four more wolves stop moving.

"Is that all you got?" she yells at the remaining wolves as they slowly retreat. The fallen wolves don't budge and I realize that they aren't even breathing.

"Get those fires out already," she shouts and then turns to one of the bystanders, "and dispose of these bodies before the cops show up."

She turns again, surveying the damage and her eyes fall on me. A smile ghosts across her face and vanishes but she can't maintain her serious demeanor and it quickly turns into the grin I know so well. Next to me the others gasp.

"I always knew there was something wrong with you," Marco whispers, "but you are a sick, sick man."

I shrug but my eyes don't leave Raquel as she approaches. He's probably correct but I don't really care. Right now I just want to be alone with her because in that grin I saw that she has waited and I can't wait to let her know how much that means to me.

She's so close now that I can smell her and my head swims as I inhale her scent. Wow I've missed that. She's definitely changed, but it's still her, still the girl I love.

Out of the corner of my eye I see movement but it doesn't register until the wolf is in flight, sailing for her throat, jaws open.

"Look out!" Cassie screams but Raquel is already in motion.

Even as one of the wolf's claws catches her above her eye her elbow comes down and her knee comes up, crushing its skull. She shakes her head and curses, wiping blood from her eye as people rush over to check on her. She just waves them off and motions towards the corpse before her eyes find mine again.

"Tae Kwon Do?" I ask as she reaches us.

"Muay Thai, actually," she grins again.

"Where in the Hell did you learn Muay Thai here?" I ask, though I have a pretty good idea already.

"Grandma Calli, who else?" she laughs, "So you back for a while or just finally decided to let me know that you're alive after two years?"

I wince. Well at least that answers my question as to whether the messages I'd sent made it or not.

"Planning on sticking around for a bit," I grin back at her.

"And I see you brought friends," she nods towards the others and sighs, "you picked a Hell of a time to invite people over to play. Well come on then, we'll talk inside."

She brushes past me, despite there being plenty of room to walk, and heads towards the house.

"You heard her," I say to the others and turn to follow Raquel.

The house is dark and quiet, despite all the noise outside. Where is everyone? She gestures for us to sit at the table and then vanishes into the kitchen. A minute later she returns with a tray of mismatched glasses and a pitcher.

"You didn't make that…did you?" I ask and eye it like it's about to get up and attack us. Stranger things have happened.

"It's just water," she snaps and slumps into a chair, her eyes half glazed over.

Damn she's irritable and I can see why. Her skin rolls and boils with a withheld change. Even though she's suppressing the major changes, the smaller things have broken through her control: her teeth are fangs and her nails are claws. She hasn't changed for good enough length of time, if at all, in a while.

Lore says that werewolves are humans who can become wolves but that's incorrect. The reverse is actually the truth: we're wolves who can turn into humans. Although the majority of us spend most of our lives as humans for the sheer convenience of it, we have to change back into wolves periodically. Some tend to put this off as long as they can, but the longer we go between changes and the less time we spend as wolves, the harder it is for us to hold our human forms.

The others have noticed the differences themselves though. Cassie and Jake stare in what looks to be fascination. Marco just looks like he's going to be sick.

"How long?" I demand. What she's doing, withholding a change she obviously needs, is dangerous for everyone she's around, including herself. The longer we go between changes, the more likely we are to lose control of ourselves when we finally do change.

"How long what?" she asks and shakes herself awake. For a moment fur sprouts on her hands before retreating.

"Since you changed," I hiss and she glares at me.

"Six months," she says though and my mouth drops open. Six months? How the Hell is she even still human? Six months? She might as well be walking around with an unpinned grenade in her hands!

"Raquel! You need to change. Now!" I'm on my feet, ready to drag her outside if I have to. She snarls at me as I grab her arm.

"I swear you two," a familiar voice interrupts, "not ten minutes and you're already at it. I've half a mind to just lock you both in a closet and leave you there until you figure things out."

"Calli," I say, not taking my eyes off Raquel.

"Glad you're back with us Hawk," she maneuvers herself between the two of us and glares at Raquel, "and he's right."

"I don't have time," she returns Calli's glare.

"Well you're going to make it." Calli doesn't flinch and turns to me, "Take her to the southwest forest and see that she changes and burns off all this energy. I don't care what you have to do to get her to do it either."

"Ok," I haul Raquel out of her chair as Calli turns to her.

"After that you are to clean yourself up because you look like Hell and smell even worse. Then I am going to fix you a sleeping tea, which you _are_ going to drink. Is any of that unclear?" Calli's glare turns close to lethal as she dares Raquel to argue, "Good. Now get to it. I'll see to your guests Hawk."

I nod to Calli and tell the others I'll see them later before dragging Raquel out the door.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I sink into the chair Raquel occupied as she's pulled from the room. If this nonsense goes on much longer I'm not going to have any hair left on my head. This whole situation is absurd. All of this death and for what? Bragging rights. My descendants have fallen far indeed.

"So," I turn towards our guests, "the three of you picked a fine time to visit."

"What's going on?" the girl asks quietly.

"Not to interrupt," a voice that sounds like it hasn't been used in a long time says, "but am I seriously the only one who saw that?"

"Saw what?" asks the third.

"Her!" the way he emphasizes that word tells me exactly who he's talking about. Silence is all I hear but I'm certain they're looking at one another before he continues quietly. "That was Rachel! Her looks, her voice, her mannerisms. Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that wasn't her?"

"How though Jake? We all watched her die almost twenty years ago," the other boy says, "I mean, yeah this girl is a lot like Rachel – which means we need to get bird-boy some professional help – but there's no way it's her. We saw her die!"

"Cassie, help me out here. You've always been good at seeing these things. That's her!"

"I don't know Jake," I hear her shake her head, "You're right about the similarities and Marco is right too. We all saw her die; I helped identify her body – and we all spoke at her funeral. But…"

"What's there a 'but' about?" the one they call Marco says, he's getting angry now, "She's dead!"

"But it feels like Rachel," Cassie finishes, "when I look at this girl and Tobias together I feel like I'm seeing him and Rachel again."

"Are you kids about done?" I ask and hear them look at me in surprise, "I'm old and blind, not dead and deaf and if you'll shut up for two minutes I'll try and explain what's going on."

When they don't say anything more I gather my thoughts and set about retelling what I know. I think this is the fourth or fifth time. I should just write a memo to hand out already.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Raquel is being difficult. Calli may have told her to burn off all her excess energy but she's not here now so again Raquel has dug in her heels. At least I've gotten her to change though if anything that's just made her even more irritable. But I've had enough of this.

I grab the scruff of her neck in my jaws and begin to run. She yelps, her feet scrabbling to stop herself from being dragged. I growl at her as best I can without letting go. Damn this is awkward.

Once her feet are moving I release her and take up position at her flank. Immediately she tries to slow down and I nip her on the rump; not hard enough to do serious injury, but hard enough to hurt and keep her moving. She tries to swerve but I follow suit and nip her harder still. She yelps again and picks up speed, trying to outrun me. I just match her pace and keep her moving.

For two hours or so I chase her - never letting her slow down, let alone stop - until she's panting from exhaustion and my little nips no longer have any effect. Fine, I snort - tired myself though I hadn't started this run on almost no sleep. I guess we can rest for a minute or two. I pull up along side her and nuzzle her neck, a noise almost like a purr forming in my throat as I inhale her scent. She looks at me warily and I point my nose east and give the air a very obvious sniff. Understanding my meaning, she does likewise and her eyes light up: water.

We follow the scent for a few minutes until we arrive at a small stream-fed pool. It's not very big, or deep for that matter, and we can see the bottom easily. I dip my muzzle and take a taste; a bit warm, but still very good - especially after that run. She drops her head, her legs nearly giving out, and begins to drink greedily. I take a few more mouthfuls myself and then set about licking the small cuts my teeth left on her. A grumble of appreciation vibrates her entire body and I give her neck another quick nuzzle before returning to her injuries.

After several minutes she's satisfied and she limps away to lay down. Oh no you don't I growl and tug on her ears until she stands back up. Grouchy, but understanding exactly where this is going to go if she ignores me, she follows as I take off running again.

We go slower this time - no longer in a hurry - and I let her lean against me as she needs, so long as she keeps moving. Our trip is shorter this time, a straight line for home, and it's not long before we arrive at where we left our clothing. It takes her a while to change back, due to her extreme exhaustion, and if it weren't for the fact that Calli told her to clean herself up I'd just have her sleep as a wolf. But showering first will probably help her sleep much better so human it is. She just finishes struggling into her clothes when, before she can protest, I pull her into my arms and my lips find hers.

"I missed you," I murmur, my mouth not leaving hers, "and I'm sorry I had to leave like that. I promise I'll explain everything."

"I'm holding you to that," she hugs me tightly and kisses me hard, slightly more awake now, "you left and everything went to Hell."

For a few minutes I'm content to have her in my arms again; to be holding her and kissing her for the first time in two years. But eventually curiosity wins out.

"Raquel, where is everyone? Your parents and brothers?"

She looks away and drops her head so her hair hides her face, but not before I see it contort in agony. My heart gives a vicious wrench and my arms tighten around her. I've never seen her look like that and it scares me.

"What happened?" I ask quietly, fairly certain I don't really want to know but at the same time needing to know what is causing her pain. For several minutes she doesn't answer and I feel hot tears dripping onto my chest as I hug her to me.

"After you left, Piotr decided that he wanted to take control of the pack from my father and attacked him. My mom stopped him, of course, but he'd had some sort of poisoned weapon on him. She's been in a coma ever since and Grandma Calli has been looking after her." She pauses to take a deep breath, "My father lost it when he found out. He hasn't left her side and completely forgot about everything...everyone else."

I kiss her forehead as she looks at me with tear filled eyes. I can understand what her father is going through - I went through it myself when I lost Rachel. For a long time I couldn't find it in me to care about anything or anyone else. There was just nothing for me but the pain her death left me with.

"Then the rogues came - each wanting to kill my father now that he was vulnerable," she stops for a moment and a strangled sob escapes her throat, "I held them off as best I could but there were just so many and they...they killed Alex."

For a second I stop breathing. Alex dead? The same little kid who once yelled at me for making his sister sad?

"He was my little brother," she sobs into my chest, her tears soaking my shirt as I hug her tightly, "I was supposed to protect him and I let him die."

This too, I understand. I was supposed to protect Rachel - promised her I always would look out for her - and I'd let her die alone. It hurts, I know, even after all these years. Oh how it hurts. If I live to be a thousand years old I don't think I'll ever get over the pain of that failure.

She cries for a long time and I just hold her quietly. What can I really say? Even though I do know how she feels to some extent I also know that words are mostly useless. Later I'll say something anyway, to try and help in what way I can, but for now she just needs me to listen.

"After Alex...I stuck Kyle on a bus and told him not to come back and not to contact me," she finishes once she calms down a little, "I don't know where he is and neither of my parents know about him or...How do I even tell them that...?"

"Later," I say and she looks up at me, her red eyes showing a bit of surprise.

"What do you...?"

"Worry about that later, when you have to," I clarify, "worry about all of it later. Tonight you are under orders to take care of yourself."

"But..." she starts but I silence her with a fierce kiss.

"Calli can manage things for one night," I shush her next complaint and tug her towards the house, "now come or I'm going to carry you."

She decides she wants to be spared that embarrassment and lets me lead her to the door, though her feet drag slightly as her lack of sleep begins to catch up with her now that she's calmer. Still, once we're inside I scoop her up into my arms before she falls over. It's further proof of how tired she is that she doesn't argue.

The house is empty; Calli having taken my friends elsewhere for the time being. I quickly carry Raquel to the bathroom, ignoring the package of dried herbs left on the table, and set her on her feet. She looks around, blinking as if unsure how she got here. She doesn't look like she's in danger of passing out in the next few seconds but I probably only have a couple of minutes, if that, before she does.

"Strip," I say as I turn on the water in the shower. Hopefully this will wake her up long enough for me to get Calli's sleeping tea into her, "I'll be right back."

I hurry off to get some towels and return to find that she's managed to get out of her shirt but is staring down at her pants, apparently not certain she can manage those.

"You just couldn't wait to get me alone and naked," she giggles as I help her remove her last article of clothing and then step into the shower. Holy Hell is she out of it...even if there is some...ok a lot...of truth to her words.

"Sit," I command and make sure she obeys before I head back downstairs to get a kettle of water boiling for the tea.

"You going to be able to manage by yourself?" I ask as I return, though I'm fairly certain I already know the answer.

"Hmm..." she stares off, her eyes once more half glazed over, and then gives me an impish grin, "probably not."

"If I help you are you going to behave?" I'm really not sure why I'm even bothering to ask.

"I make no such promise," she pushes herself to her feet where she sways dangerously for a moment before steadying herself, "now get in here."

I sigh and remove my clothing. I'm sure I'm going to regret this at some point.

My first foot is barely in before her arms are around my neck and her lips are devouring mine. Now I'm certain it's most guys dream to have their girlfriend jump them in the shower - and if this was any other time I'd already have her pressed up against the wall - but she's barely awake and I promised Calli I'd get her cleaned up and in bed...to sleep.

"Raquel," I manage to pull away for a second, "not tonight."

"I'm eighteen. What reason can you possibly come up with now?" she glares at me and a shudder runs through my body.

"I can't wait, really," I brush my lips against hers lightly, trying to reassure her without edging her on, "but I'd really prefer you be completely awake for that."

"You. Are. An. Ass," she puts more venom into those words than I had thought her currently capable of.

With a snarl she grabs me and squeezes. Despite myself I groan. Holy fuck that feels good.

"Now answer me this," she holds my eyes prisoner, "do you want me?"

"Yes," I gasp as she squeezes me even harder, stars momentarily appearing across my vision.

"And I want you," she says quietly, fully awake, lust burning in her eyes, "discussion over. Now get over here and fuck me or you are never getting so much as a glimpse of me naked again."

What can I say? I can't very well argue with that. Especially not when she has me by the balls...literally.

I lift her up and shove her against the wall, my lips on hers, her arms and legs around me. Sleep can wait.


	18. Hello Again My Long Lost Friend

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I open my eyes and groan. Sunlight peeks into the room through the curtains but I have no desire at all to move - I'm just too sore. It's a good soreness though and I enjoy the feeling very much.

Last night was...Fate, what's a good enough word? I don't know what exactly I'd been expecting when I baited Tobias like I did, but that certainly wasn't it. Even though it was our first time together - not to mention my first time period - he was not gentle about it. Not that I'm complaining - I'd enjoyed every second of it - it had just been unexpected. He hadn't asked permission for anything, or given any orders. He just did and I had been well and truly manhandled. But in a very good way.

It had been a bit frightening at first, to have been forced to surrender myself to him so completely. Actually, surrender implies that I'd had a choice. I hadn't, beyond the initial green light of course.

Yes it had been a bit frightening, but I'm not overly sure if that's because of the loss of control or of how incredibly turned on it had made...still makes...me. He'd been very clear in the message he wanted to convey. I belong to him completely. And I love it.

"Morning," he says and I jump - I hadn't realized he was awake.

"Morning," I smile at him and he leans over to kiss me.

"How do you feel?" he asks around the kiss.

"I think fantastic might start to describe it," I say after considering for a minute. Although, honestly, fantastic doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now.

"Good," he kisses me again, a bit harder, "because I've wanted to do that to you since the first time you kissed me."

I blush at that thought - I'd only been what? Not even fourteen then? So that's what he'd meant about doing something we both would have regretted. I get it...now. At that time I would have run the other way. Now though...now I want more.

Apparently so does he.

Again without asking he pushes my legs apart and slams into me - even rougher than last night - his weight pinning me to the bed as the mattress springs shriek in protest. Fate why does that make me so hot?

I wrap my arms and legs around him tightly, pulling him closer - no other real choice but to hold on - as he continues to plow into me, his mouth locked on mine. Maybe that's not exactly correct. I'd had a choice - five years ago - and I made it.

These are the consequences.

As he reminds me once more exactly how much I belong to him I realize I can live with that.

**x-x-x-x-x**

It was close to noon before Tobias let me out of bed and my legs promptly turned to jelly and dumped me to the floor. So he again picked me up and carried me to the bathroom where he helped me into the shower. Being as he was already there he decided to join me, which of course lead to another round of shower sex so by the time I made it out of the house the sun had already started its descent. Fate he's insatiable...or incorrigible...maybe both.

My body is sore in ways I never knew possible but for all that I feel...well, better than I have in years. Lighter perhaps? My mate is back - even if that's not what we are officially, after last night...and this morning...and this afternoon, I know that that's exactly what we are. Regardless, that simple fact makes me feel as if everything is going to be alright.

"Well, where to?" he asks, one of my hands firmly trapped in his.

"I need to check on my mom," I sigh, my high beginning to fade slightly in the face of reality, "so to Grandma Calli's and then she can tell us where she put your friends."

"Sounds like a plan," he smiles at me as we head off and I cringe slightly. I'm not sure how he's going to take what I have to say next.

"Tobias?"

"Hmm?"

"About your friends...I know it's been a long time since you saw them and you probably want to catch up, but they really need to leave," I pause and wait for him to respond, but he doesn't, "it's just, with all that's happening right now it's not a good time to be visiting."

He laughs and kisses my hand. Huh? He's not angry?

"Raquel, the four of us have spent the last two years catching up. I daresay we're largely sick of one another right now," he grins, "but they're not here to see me."

"They're not? Then why are they here?"

"They're here to meet you," he chuckles and I look at him. Meet me?

"Why...?" I say slowly.

"You really haven't figured out who they are?" he gives me a puzzled look that I'm sure I'm mirroring.

Several people stop me to say hello and ask how I'm doing. There's still clean up from last night going on, though it doesn't look as if there was any real damage this time. Only a few people got hurt and none of them seriously - small burns and cuts and such. I have to remember to visit them later but for the moment Tobias' question has my attention. Not that I know the answer to it. Should I know his friends?

"Anything?" he asks and I shake my head, my hair flying about, "What if I said you were named after a member of the group they're part of?"

I'm named after...oh! I mentally smack myself. How had I not realized it before? Even if I had been...distracted...Tobias doesn't have many friends in the first place. I should have known exactly who these people are.

"Animorphs," I look at him and he nods.

"They saw a picture of you...I'll explain that later too...and were understandably curious."

"Because I look like..." I grimace. Of course that's the reason. Am I ever going to escape her shadow?

"Yes," he nods again.

"And? What did they say?" I can't hide the nervousness in my voice. These are genuine heroes after all. Not to mention they are people I once...as well as the fact that at least two of them are responsible for my...

"Well, Marco thinks I've lost my mind - though to be fair that's nothing new. Cassie is being sympathetic and understanding - also nothing new. Jake on the other hand is hoping that you really are Rachel and he just imagined getting her killed," Tobias laughs but it's his humorless one that I haven't heard in a long time. The sound of it scares me a bit, mostly because he only laughs like that when he's thinking about her...

He stops walking suddenly and pulls me into a kiss which I eagerly return. For a long minute I have to try extremely hard not to tear his clothes off here in the street so I can reassert my own claim on him.

"Don't worry about them," he says quietly, "once they meet you they'll leave and it'll just be us again. I promise."

"They're not who I'm worried about," I mumble and I can see in his eyes that he understands who I'm talking about.

"Raquel...Rachel was the most important person in my life for a very long time. I'm never going to forget her and I'm not going to apologize for that," he says, forcing me to look at him, "but now the most important person to me is you.

"Damnit Raquel," he growls when I look away, unconvinced, "What did you think last night was? I don't do one night stands. I don't take a woman to bed unless I intend to marry her!"

The breath catches in my throat and I stare at him, my eyes unable to leave his. He wants to...

"What did you just say?" I whisper, trying hard to hide the hope in my voice. I couldn't have heard correctly.

Rather than answer he pulls me into the woods, dragging me along for a mile or so before stopping. Satisfied that we're alone, he presses me against a tree and the sound of duel buttons and zippers being undone reaches my ears. What? Now? Here? But then my pants are on the ground, my feet are in the air and he's inside me moving murderously slow and I forget any complaint I may have had.

"You listen to me Raquel," he breathes, his eyes holding mine prisoner, "you belong to me, and I belong to you. One day I'm going to marry you and on our wedding night I'm getting you pregnant. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

After a second to process that, I nod, my mouth too dry to speak. Understand? I'd be doing a happy dance right now if he didn't have trapped in this spectacular way.

"It means I love you you silly woman," he answers anyway, "I love you and I'm never leaving you again."

He kisses me hard and I wrap my arms and legs around him. I'd never really thought about having children before but when he says it like that...Fate! I kiss him back and tangle my hands in his hair, pulling him closer still. When he says it like that I want it! Children. Me. With him!

"I love you too," I say quietly, my eyes not leaving his, "and my answer is going to be 'yes' when you ask."

His eyes light up and he grins. I grin back at him as I realize he already knew both those things.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"How are they doing?" I ask as we walk in the door.

"No change," Calli shakes her head and then looks at me, a smile creeping across her face, "I see you two finally figured things out."

I blush before I can stop myself. How did she...but did I really expect to hide something from Grandma Calli? Even though she clearly already knows what's happened since I last saw her, I nod.

"Well congratulations you two," she pulls us both into a big hug.

"It's not official," I mutter and she laughs.

"Sweetie, we're wolves. Things don't get any more official for us than what you two did. The ceremonies and such are more for our human disguise than anything else."

I blush hotter and stare at Tobias. So then that means we're already...I mean, he's really mine? He grins at me and a part of me wonders if this isn't something else he already knew.

Slowly I reach over and take his hand, afraid that maybe I'm dreaming. Since the day I met him this is what I wanted, even if I hadn't realized it at the time. Now that its happened though...I guess I'm sorta in shock. To think he's finally mine!

"No," a small voice in my head corrects, "he's finally mine again."

Wait...what? I close my eyes, trying to figure out where that voice came from. It doesn't take me long and I snarl silently at the image of the younger woman that forms in my head.

Rachel.

Even now the damn bitch still won't give up. Even after he's told me he loves me, has taken me as his mate, has practically proposed to me!

Her image shakes her head.

"Was I ever this stubborn?" she laughs, her eyes thoughtful as she ponders her own question. How do I even know what she's thinking though?

She rolls her eyes and sighs, running a hand through her hair. With another shake of her head she stares at me like I'm an idiot.

"You still don't get it," a third shake of her head, "how in the world is he supposed to understand when you don't yourself?"

The image fades and I open my eyes. Tobias and Calli are talking, not paying me any attention. I guess they didn't notice my little daydream.

Reluctantly I release my mates hand and head into the small side room. Both of my parents are exactly where they'd been on my last visit and if I didn't know better I'd swear they hadn't moved at all. But Calli drives my father out at least once a day to shower and forces him to change for several hours each week so he has moved. Always, though, he returns to the same place he's been sitting for nearly two years. I ignore him. He abandoned us when we needed him most. Alex would still be alive if he'd been doing his job.

"Hi mom," I say quietly and brush her hair from her face. Doing her job, on the other hand, is what put her here. She's quiet today and her eyes are closed. Some days she opens them and makes noises though Grandma Calli warned me early on that those didn't necessarily mean anything. Such signs were in all likelihood no different than someone tossing or talking in their sleep.

The poison that did this to her has long since left her system but the shock it caused her body was too much for to handle and her mind shut down. At least, that's what Grandma Calli said. I don't know much about poisons.

I sit with her for a while, holding her hand and watching - hoping. Eventually a pair of arms circle my waist, help me to my feet and lead me out. Tobias wipes my tears - I hadn't even realized I'd been crying - and hugs me.

"Shh," he whispers, stroking my hair and again I find myself sobbing into his chest. Odd. I'd never been much of a crier till I met him.

He doesn't tell me it's going to be ok - part of me wishes he would - but he knows better and so do I. The odds of my mother waking up at this point are non-existent. I've known that for a while now though I hadn't wanted to admit it. Or maybe I just couldn't admit it.

"Sorry," I mumble once I finish and he leans in to kiss me lightly on the lips.

"You've nothing to apologize for," he says quietly and then gives me a slightly less chaste kiss.

The sound of a throat being cleared interrupts us and I turn towards the sound.

"Naomi!" I smile at the older woman and let go of Tobias to hug her.

"Hi sweetheart," she returns the hug and kisses my forehead. I can't help but feel a bit better - she reminds me of my mom in a lot of ways and for a moment I can imagine that she is my real mother: awake and healthy.

"She is our mother dummy," Rachel's voice whispers in the back of my mind but I block her out.

"What have you been up to today?" I ask. For the past couple of years Naomi has been living with us, largely helping take care of my mother since she was injured, though also looking after me when I've been too tired to do so myself. It really had been a stroke of luck to have met her that night Tobias left.

"I've been entertaining your boyfriend's friends for Calli while you two were...busy," she gives me a knowing smile and I blush. Does anyone not know what happened last night?

Speaking of my mate...I turn towards him and find him frozen, staring at my friend.

"Hello Tobias," she says quietly and squeezes one of my hands gently, "its been a long time."

He nods but says nothing, apparently at a loss for words.

"You ok?" I reach over to poke him and he jumps.

"Sorry," he mutters, looking back at me, though talking to my friend, "I'm just surprised. You're not exactly someone I ever expected to see again."

"Tobias, look at me," Naomi says and I can see that she's holding back tears.

For a moment he looks at her but quickly averts his eyes once more.

"Look at me!" she says more forcefully and then nods when he finally meets her gaze. She takes a single step forward and smacks him across the face. The blow echoes in the small room and a red hand print already lights up his cheek. I'm not sure who's more shocked, him or I.

"How dare you!" she growls, "I should skin you alive!"

Again she smacks him and I step forward. I don't think she'll actually hurt him but I'd rather not test that theory. Her glare stops me in my tracks though.

"Seventeen years," her voice is dangerously quiet now, "you married my daughter and couldn't even be bothered to tell me? I had to find out when I happened across the certificate that you buried! Were you ever going to tell me?!"

"I'm sorry," he says at last, not looking at her, "we had planned to tell everyone after that last mission. But then...there was no after for us."

He looks over at me and I can see he wants to know if I knew. I nod and pain contorts his face. My heart twists as I see that and I want to wrap my arms around him - kiss him and tell him it's ok. But Naomi's anger has me paralyzed.

"I wish you would have told me!" she cries and pulls him into a hug, "I would have liked to have known I had a son."

Once more he's quiet and several minutes pass before he slowly returns her embrace.

"Raquel, can you give us a bit? I'd like to talk to Tobias alone," she asks quietly, "the others are back at your house waiting to talk to you."

"Sure," I reply instantly, "just give us a minute please."

She nods and crosses the room to give us privacy.

"Raquel I..." Tobias starts but I silence him with a finger to his lips followed by a kiss.

"We're ok," I say quietly and hug him, "I'm not mad."

"But I should have told you before last night," he continues anyway, "I'm sorry I didn't."

"Thank you," I kiss him again, "I already knew though and clearly I didn't mind."

He starts to protest again but again I silence him with a kiss.

"Later, if you still want to talk about it. I don't want to keep your friends waiting," I try to smile though I'm not sure I succeed, "should I be worried?"

"No," he laughs, "Marco might be obnoxious but if he is feel free to rip his arms off and beat him with them. He can re-grow them."

I laugh at that but then see the look in his eyes. Fate, he's serious! Hmm...this could be interesting.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The house is quiet when I enter but I can smell Tobias' friends in the kitchen - can hear their beating hearts. Ignoring them for the moment, I head for the bathroom to put myself together a bit more. I doubt I made a very good impression last night - what with me barely able to hold myself together and Tobias having to drag me out of the house - so I should probably try a little harder tonight.

It doesn't take me long - I'm considerably more presentable already - I just run a quick brush through my hair, wash my face and check that the back of my shirt isn't too dirty from my little romp in the forest earlier.

Looking, and feeling, a bit more like a person I head for the kitchen. Time to get this battle...err, meeting...over with.

"Hello," I say as a sit at the table with them. They watch me silently and I feel my eye start to twitch. What am I? A zoo attraction? Although...what are we even supposed to talk about? 'Hi I'm fairly certain that I'm the reincarnation of a former friend of yours whom you sent to die?' Rachel snorts in the back of my head at that thought but doesn't offer any other suggestions.

"Well this has been fun," I say, standing, as it becomes apparent that they've nothing to say themselves, "lets do it again sometime. Now show yourselves to the door and get out of my pack's territory."

"Please wait Rachel," the dark skinned woman starts and I stop her with a snarl. She jumps slightly and I smile to myself. The two men tense and I glare at them least they get any ideas. They may be older and there may be three of them but I could kill them all a handful of seconds if they try anything stupid.

"I don't know what you've been told, but I am not Rachel. I am not your friend. I'm not here to rekindle some friendship you think we may have once had," I growl at the short man as he begins to move and he freezes, "the only reason I'm even meeting with you is because you are my mate's friends and he asked it of me. Regardless we've met and now you will leave. I've a war to fight an no more time for you."

They stare, open mouthed, for a moment before the short man starts laughing. The other two relax a hair but no more.

"Not Rachel?" he guffaws, "With that attitude? Like Hell you're not. We'd know that attitude anywhere. Not to mention you sound like her...and look a lot like her...though I think you got a few upgrades this time around."

He stares pointedly at my chest and I narrow my eyes at him. This must be Marco. The black girl inches away.

"Little man," I say as sweetly as I can manage and crack my knuckles, "I've been informed that you can re-grow body parts. As such my mate said that ripping your arms off and beating you with them is perfectly acceptable. To be honest I'm quite interested in seeing you do this...not to mention the added bonus of how much I would enjoy wiping the floor with you."

Marco laughs at what I can only assume he thinks is a joke but quickly falls silent when I don't join in.

"Don't pay him any mind," the girl interjects before I can make good on my threat, "he hasn't actually grown up any in the past twenty years."

"Clearly," I say dryly and a nervous smile ghosts across her face.

Abruptly the other man gets up, his eyes shinning with tears. He comes over and pulls me into a hug. I stiffen and snarl at him but he ignores my warning.

"You can deny it all you want," he says quietly but loud enough for the others to hear, "but we can see the truth. We get why you don't want to talk to us and we don't blame you - not after what we did. But you need to know that we've missed you so very much and we...I'm sorry for what I did to you. Not a day has gone by when I haven't hated myself for giving you that mission...where I haven't wished I could take it back, could bring you back.

"I won't ask you to forgive me because I don't deserve it. But I...we're glad you found your way home again."

He hugs me tighter for a moment and then lets go to turn to the others.

"Come on, lets go."

"But we have to stay and help!" the girl doesn't move.

"It's not our fight Cassie," he replies - so that's her name, "not this time."

She starts to protest again but stops and sighs. Reluctantly she gets up and so does Marco.

The other man - Jake I suppose - looks back at me and his eyes widen in surprise. He quickly shakes it off though and smiles.

"We'll be in touch. Take care of yourself."

Cassie leans over to give me a quick hug and I try not to bristle at her touch.

"See you later Xena! Kick some butt for us!" Marco throws over his shoulder as they file out, the door closing behind them.

I stare after them. Didn't they hear a word I said? Oh whatever. At least they're gone. But who the hell is Xena?

**x-x-x-x-x**

As we head for the jeep Naomi and Tobias are heading back towards the house.

"Well?" my Aunt asks, glancing quickly at Tobias to remind me to watch what I say.

I close my eyes for a minute and fight back the tears they're threatening. She's different now, that's for sure but as we were leaving her eyes changed and for an instant it was my cousin looking back at me. She gave the barest hint of a nod and was gone again before I could say anything.

I'd expected it. First Calli and then Naomi had told me to. Still, it's nothing short of a miracle...seeing her again...knowing that somehow she managed to cheat Death. I just can't figure out how Tobias hasn't realized it yet. I would have thought he'd be the first.

"I'd bet my life on it," I tell my Aunt.

She nods, grinning from ear to ear. She's had two years to get used to the idea but I've never seen her so happy in my life. I'm more than happy myself but it's still sinking in. Once it does I suppose I'll...well, I don't know what's appropriate in this situation.

"If you need anything at all, you know how to reach us," I say to Tobias, though I know it's not up to him and I doubt any of us will ever be getting such a call. As much as she's changed, she's obviously still the proud girl we'd known.

We say our goodbyes and climb into the jeep.

"Where too?" Marco asks as he heads down the road.

"I don't know," I shake my head though I can feel a grin tugging at my lips, "Someplace we can celebrate."


	19. Someday, Somehow

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"Just open it already," Raquel says as she walks into the room, naked save for a towel draped over her shoulders, her hair still damp from her shower. She's teasing me, I know, but she's going to have to wait a couple of days. Ever since we started sleeping together two weeks ago she's spent as much time as possible trying to get me to jump her. Not that she usually has to try hard. What can I say? My girlfriend is hot and I'm a healthy heterosexual guy. If I were actually her age she wouldn't even be able to walk straight right now.

But I'm older and as such able to realize that screwing her brains out when she's in heat is not a good idea. She doesn't realize it herself, and it's pissing her off, but I can smell the difference. As a human I never would have noticed, but a werewolf has a considerably better sense of smell and while she always smells good to me, when she's in heat that scent becomes absolutely mouth watering.

No, sleeping with her now would certainly get her pregnant and I don't want that. Not yet at least. I'd offered to go buy condoms but she doesn't want anything to do with them and since I don't trust my self control - or hers - to screw around without actually having sex, we'll just have to wait.

"Well?" she says, hugging me from behind and pressing herself against me, "You've been staring at that letter for two weeks. Read it already."

I look down at the envelope and try to ignore the feeling of Raquel draped against my back. It's nothing special to look at, just a plain white envelope slightly yellowed and crinkled with age. Naomi had this all these years and took good care of it so the writing on one side is still clearly visible, if a bit faded.

All that's written is one word: my name. That isn't what has stopped me from opening it though. It's who wrote that word that makes me hesitate. Even with how long its been, I recognized Rachel's tiny, neat handwriting the moment I saw it.

I want to know what she wrote, but part of me is too afraid. What will I do if it says something like 'I hate you'? There's no possible way it would say anything of the sort but that fear still gnaws at the back of my mind.

I suppose I could live with it even if the letter does say she hated me. I wouldn't blame her if that's true; I let her die alone after all. But I can think of something much worse that could happen from reading this. There could be something in Rachel's words that would make me hurt Raquel and that I don't know if I can live with.

For that matter, what does that say about me? Is it possible that I love Raquel more than Rachel? Or, worse, that I no longer love her at all?

"Hey," Raquel moves to sit in front of me, her face concerned as she leans in to give me a light kiss, "talk to me. What's wrong?"

"I'm hesitating," I say quietly after a minute, "a few years ago I would have ripped this open the moment I saw the handwriting but now..."

"Now what?" she prompts when I don't continue.

"I'm afraid to open it."

"Why?" her worried look becomes a puzzled one, "They're just words aren't they?"

"I'm afraid that they might hurt you somehow," I whisper, "and that bothers me."

She nods though I don't know if she understands what I'm saying. I mean, I don't even understand what I'm saying. I shake my head and look away. What am I supposed to do?

"Tobias," I freeze, "please read it. There's nothing in there that will hurt anyone. I promise."

"What did you say?" I look back at Raquel but she just gives me another puzzled look.

"I didn't say anything," she looks at me closer, "are you ok?"

Am I...? No, probably not. That hadn't been Raquel's voice I heard, it had been Rachel's.

**x-x-x-x-x**

We head out to make our rounds. The rogues have been quiet this week but that doesn't mean I can let my guard down. Tobias has been a big help in keeping them at bay though. Even if I had been regularly kicking their butts they're still more afraid of him than they are of me. Maybe it's male pride that prevents them from acting like they're afraid of a woman. Tobias, being a man, however, is acceptable to fear.

How irritating.

Not that he can't give them a good thrashing himself. He's the only one whose ever taken me in a fight and I can see that he's gotten better in the past two years. Watching him is actually a bit scary, even knowing he would never hurt me.

But the way he moves across a battlefield, graceful - almost as if he's dancing - is both awe inspiring and slightly terrifying. Even now, with how far I've come myself, I don't know how a fight with him would turn out. At best I could maybe fight him to a draw. Winning is, I'm certain, out of the question.

Not that I would ever want to fight my mate. At least not seriously. For fun, however, that could definitely be interesting. Especially if we end up in the shower together afterwards...

I groan.

All I want to do right now is drag him to bed and not leave for a few days...or weeks. But he's having none of it "while I'm in heat," as he says. Heat! What am I? A...well, I suppose I am a dog...sorta. Regardless, I don't know what he's talking about. So what if right now I can scarcely complete a thought without thinking of my mate naked and moving inside me? Surely that's normal considering this whole sex thing is still new to me. I mean, Fate! I was still a virgin just over two weeks ago.

Maybe that's why he won't even touch me right now. Maybe I did something wrong. Or maybe I'm just horrible...

"Oh stop it," Rachel chides in my head, her voice irritated, "he's a guy. They don't do hidden meanings."

So then he really thinks that I'm in...But all I want is for him to...crap. I groan again and hide my face in my hands. Between my fingers I see him looking at me, a puzzled look on his face. Maybe he's right after all.

Before I can stop myself my body jerks forward and I grab him, my lips descending on his. My hands tug at his shirt, not caring where I am or who can see. I need him...now. But one of his hands closes around both my wrists and the other swats me on the ass.

"Behave!" he growls and then, smiling, kisses me.

My cheeks burn and I'm not sure if I'm more embarrassed for how I acted or for the fact that I just got a public spanking. He laughs and releases one of my hands but keeps the other trapped in his own.

"Raquel," he says quietly, "I realize you can't help how you feel and while I'd love nothing more than to drag you to bed and keep you there for several months, I am not going to risk getting you pregnant right now. So we're just going to have to wait another couple of days."

I grit my teeth. He's such a pain in the ass; especially when he's right. As much as I can't wait to start that part of our lives, children of our own are just something we're not ready for. Not to mention this whole war with the rogues makes it a less than ideal time to be starting a family.

For now we really need to focus on our pack and so we continue on, checking in with various members. Even though Tobias and I are the only ones I'm allowing to fight, everyone else is helping out: mainly keeping watch and repairing what the rogues destroy.

Checking in doesn't take long. Our pack only contains a couple of small families beyond my own and no one has been hurt recently. This is largely due to the attacks being fewer and less intense this past week - either because the rogues are finally realizing that we're not as weak as they first thought or there just aren't many left. Either way the repair jobs underway are minimal and should be done within a day at most.

Tobias is quiet as we walk through the village, though his grip on my hand hasn't lessened. He's thinking about that letter again, I can see it on his face. I wish he would just read it already. Brooding over it is only driving him crazy.

Slowly we make our way back to the house. There hadn't been anything particularly interesting going on and nothing that had required my attention. With any luck we can spend the rest of the day simply relaxing. Maybe I'll even make another attempt at cooking dinner.

"Sit," I command as we get in the house and he smirks at me, momentarily distracted from his brooding.

"Do I get a treat if I obey?"

I just roll my eyes at him. And he's telling me to behave.

Quickly, before his curiosity sends him after me, I hunt up the letter that has consumed his thoughts since the moment Naomi gave it to him two weeks ago. He really needs to read this. I don't know why exactly I'm so obsessed myself with him opening this damn thing but there's this nagging feeling in the back of my head that says he has to. Whatever is in here though is probably going to cause some tension between us and as much as I don't want that, it might as well be now when we can't have sex anyways.

Sitting down in front of him I show him the envelope. He stares at it, uncomprehending at first.

"You are going to sit here and read this," I say quietly as understanding dawns on his face, "and if you won't, I will."

"How dare you," he whispers, glaring at me.

"How dare I?" I snarl and glare back at him, "How dare you!"

His anger turns to shock. Clearly he wasn't expecting my response.

"These are the final words your wife left you and she's waited nearly two decades for you to read them. How can you just sit there and not read them?"

"Because they might hurt you!" he yells, angry again, and stands to leave.

"Sit down!" I push him back into the chair, "I appreciate your concern but I'm a big girl Tobias. I can deal with a little pain. Now stop making excuses and read it!"

He glares at me and crosses his arms. So he's going to be stubborn about this is he? Fine. Two can play that game.

I slide a finger under the envelope's flap and tug. The glue gives easily - it's been sealed for a long time after all - and the envelope pops open neatly.

A strangled cry escapes Tobias' lips and he lunges across the table at me. I scramble out of the chair, knocking it over, and his fingers rake through my hair as I dance out of reach. Heat floods through my stomach as he chases me and I groan. Oh crap, no. Not now...

I pull the letter from the envelope and start to unfold it.

"Raquel!" something in his voice makes me pause and he tackles me to the ground.

I can't help but stare as he pins me down long enough to tear the letter from my hand: he's scared. Suddenly I feel very cold - I've never seen him like this.

"What are you so afraid of?" I ask and wrap my arms around him in a hug. He doesn't resist but he's shaking.

"I can't see her anymore," he whispers after a minute and there's no mistaking the horror in his voice, "I know what she looked like but I can't picture her anymore."

He buries his face in my shoulder and I can feel hot tears seeping through my shirt. I don't know what to say; what does that even mean?

"It means he's starting to figure it out," Rachel's voice whispers in the back of my head and she sounds amazingly happy for someone whose husband can't picture her anymore.

"How I felt is all I have left of her," he continues once he gets himself under control, "what if this changes that?"

"Oh stop it!" I growl, "You and I both know that'll never happen - she's too much a part of you. You want to know what that letter says? It says that she loves you and wants you to be happy and she's sorry she left."

"You can't know that," he says, looking at me.

"Yes I can," I meet his eyes and for a brief second a flash of recognition crosses his face before he shakes his head and dispels it.

"How?"

Holy shit he's being stubborn about this.

"Because that's what I would have written," I say quietly, "if I knew I was going to die, that's what I would want you to know."

"How can you say she knew?"

Fate I just want to throttle him right now and Rachel growls her agreement with that sentiment. Odd. I'm not used to being on the same page as her.

"I read Jake's book Tobias. That last mission he gave her was a suicide mission and she wasn't stupid. She knew accepting it would mean her death but she also knew her choice would hurt you so she left this letter to try and atone for that."

He doesn't say anything and I already feel like a bitch for what I'm going to say next.

"If you ever loved her at all you'll read that letter and let her try to make what amends she can."

He sits back suddenly, as if I struck him and I wince at the pain in his eyes - so does Rachel. I don't want to hurt him but this is something he needs to do. This is it, right here, as much as it hurts to admit it. Despite how far we've come, if he can't do this then there's no future for us.

Both Rachel and I hold our breath and watch him, waiting to see what he decides.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm scared. I can feel Rachel slipping away from me. Before I met Raquel I was able to picture Rachel as she had been: devil-may-care grin, self-mocking laugh, the utter confidence of a person who knew she could fight her way through the apocalypse and still come out looking perfect.

But then I met Raquel, began to fall for her, and every time I tried to visualize my wife her image would morph into one of Raquel. And now, now when I try to picture Rachel there is no morphing. The only image I see is Raquel.

Sometimes now, when I talk to my new mate, it's my dead wife I hear instead. And just a few moments ago, when I looked Raquel in the eyes, it wasn't her eyes I saw but Rachel's.

I'm losing my mind. That's the only possible explanation. Rachel is gone and no matter how much I wish I could change that, I can't. I just...someone has to remember her...what she did, who she was. She deserves more than to be just another forgotten page in history.

"What am I supposed to do?" I murmur and look at Raquel. She's sitting up, watching me. One of her eyes looks wrong...it's the wrong color. I shake my head and look again but the color is correct once more. Must have been a trick of the light.

"Read," she whispers, her eyes pleading, and for half a second it's Rachel's voice again, "please Tobias."

Slowly I drop my eyes to the letter and unfold it. My hands shake as I recognize my wife's handwriting. Small stains dot the paper and some of the words are a little smudged. My heart gives a vicious wrench; she'd been crying when she wrote this. That in itself scares me. Rachel had never been much of a crier - she was such a strong person that on the rare occasions she did cry you just knew something was terribly wrong with the world.

Raquel gets up and moves to sit behind me, her back against mine, leaving me alone with this while at the same time not.

It's several minutes before my hands stop shaking enough for me to start reading.

_Tobias, my husband~_

_ If you're reading this then I'm dead. How cliché is that? But cliché or not, if you are reading this then it's true._

_ I guess it's probably odd, to have a dead person talking to you like this but I couldn't just leave without saying...well, far more than I'll be able to ever fit into these pages. Still, it'll have to do. You see, even as I write this, I know I'm going to die. I'm not sick or anything but Jake gave me one last mission and I know I'm not going to survive it. I hope I will of course but I already know that it's a useless hope. I am going to die._

_ I'm afraid. The others would find that odd I'm sure. Me, the one they call Xena, Warrior Princess, afraid of dying. Of course, you knew me better than that - I've always been scared. But it's not dying I'm afraid of; I accepted that it could - and probably would - happen a long time ago. What really scares me is the thought of leaving you._

_ I love you._

_ I suppose that goes without saying, but that's all the more reason I need to say it. I love you and I'm sorry I never told you so more often. You deserved that and more than I ever gave you._

_ It was selfish of me, I know, to ask you to marry me when I knew I wasn't long for the world. I hope you can forgive me for that, but it was the only way I knew to show you what I never found the words to say. I belong to you - nothing will ever change that. Not time, not distance, and not death. I belong to you and I don't regret one second of the time we had together, short though it was._

_ And so, I'm going to make you a promise - think of it as a wedding vow I couldn't speak at the time. Although I don't know how I'm going to keep this promise, or even how long it will take me to do so, I promise you this: I will find you again._

_ You are my soul mate Tobias, my true love, and no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, I will return to you. If I have to trek through Heaven and Hell and Purgatory to get back to you I'll do it, gladly. Dante's gonna have nothing on me!_

_ So I want you to make me a promise in return. I'm not afraid of you forgetting me because I know you better than that, though I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone who loved me as much as you did. But I am afraid you'll forget to live. Please don't; there's so much more for you out there._

_ I want you to live your life the way you would have had the war never happened and we'd never met. Fall in love and make some girl the luckiest girl in the world. Start a family; do everything that I no longer can. Whatever you do, just don't wait for me because it'll only make you miserable and that's something I don't want. Live and be happy because you alive and happy are the most important things in the world to me - even if I can't be the reason for them._

_ I know that this is asking a lot, but please do this for me because someday, somehow we will find each other once again. When that day comes I'll want to know about everything you've seen and done. You better have a lot to tell me._

_ I love you with all my heart. If I had a thousand years I'd never be able to tell you that enough. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, and I look forward to the day we meet again._

_ ~Love, always, forever, your wife, Rachel_

My own tears stain the pages before they fall from my hands. Raquel's arms are around me before they hit the floor, holding me as I cry silently. I don't know what I ever did to deserve either her or Rachel and I don't suppose I'll ever know.

"Thank you," I whisper, but even I'm not sure if those words are for my mate or my dead wife.

"Thank you," she replies and presses her lips to the back of my neck, "thank you."


	20. Convergence

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"How's your head?"

"Well, there's currently two of you," I groan and clutch my skull. I'd love to threaten to kill the damn wolf who clocked me over the head with a baseball bat - the nerve! A wolf using a weapon! - but I already did that. Unfortunately, doing so didn't lessen the pain in my head any.

"But I can think of a good use for two of you that might dull the pain some," I try to grin, the prospect of a night with two of my mate a very pleasing one, but I think I end up wincing instead, "so get both your butts over here already."

"Well, if you can make jokes like that I think you're going to be fine," he laughs, apparently knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

"Who's joking?" I groan as pain lances through my skull and for a brief moment there's four of my mate. Ok even I'll admit that four is too many. Three maybe...

"I think you'll be disappointed," he chuckles, but approaches me anyway.

"I doubt that," I wrap my arms around both of them and kiss them hard, the pain already forgotten.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The attacks have definitely slowed down this past week and that bothers me. I can tell that it bothers Raquel too though I know we're both hoping that the rogues have simply given up. But we both know better. If the rogues are quiet it just means they're planning something big.

I look down at the small box I've set on the table and toy with the invisible latch. It's a gift for Raquel...if she wants it of course. Perhaps now would be a good time to give it to her; it would certainly help deal with whatever the rogues are planning. But even as the thought crosses my mind I know I won't tell her about this just yet. Her pride will never allow her to use this weapon to end the war but she would be tempted, and she would hate herself for even considering it.

No. Fighting is not the reason I brought this for her anyway. I have a much different use in mind for this: fulfilling a wish of hers. I'd nearly laughed when I found out it was something she wanted - I'd already been thinking of giving this to her before I even knew she wanted it. Not that she even knows that I know about this wish. Certainly she has never mentioned it to me consciously, but she does on occasion talk in her sleep. Years ago I appreciated her not mentioning what I lost...what she'd unknowingly taken from me. Now, however, it doesn't matter.

Later, when this war is over, I'll offer this to her. I'm certain she'll accept this then. I can't wait; it's been such a long time and I've missed it so.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Are you two doing ok?" Naomi asks from across the table. She's taken it on herself to see that Tobias and I actually have a decent meal every so often - considering neither of us can really cook. Although she says her own ability is substandard at best, that still puts her worlds ahead of me or my mate so we can't complain.

"As well as possible," I shrug around a mouthful of ravioli, "all things considered."

Tobias doesn't say anything, just pushes his food around his plate - he's still a bit nervous around his mother-in-law though I've no idea why exactly. Aside from what happened when they met again a few weeks ago, Naomi has done nothing to indicate that she's still angry with my mate.

Maybe he's remembering how she reacted when she first learned of his relationship with her oldest daughter...back during the Yeerk War. Naomi freely admitted to me one night that she hadn't exactly been accepting of the idea of her child dating a guy who spent most of his time as a bird hunting mice.

Time must have changed that. Even though Rachel is long dead, Naomi still considers Tobias her son...at least now that she knows exactly how far his relationship with her daughter went. Family is family, I suppose...blood be damned. Blood relations certainly hadn't stopped my father from abandoning us.

"How are Sara and Jordan doing?" I've never actually met my former self's siblings...I haven't had the time with all that's going on, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know about them. Naomi hasn't minded sharing either.

"The usual drama," Naomi rolls her eyes and I laugh, "Jordan's six months along and having a hard time with this one while Sara is having issues with her newest boyfriend."

My friend shakes her head and laughs although there's a trace of sadness to it. I know exactly why that is too - even Tobias picks up on it. She misses her daughters.

"Why don't you go see them?" I ask, "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love having you here but you're not a prisoner."

"And listen to the two of them whine all day?" she grimaces and then laughs again, "No thank you. The company is better here and at least here I can be useful."

I start to protest but she cuts me off with a wave of her hand and a shake of her head. A tiny smile pulls at the edge of my mate's mouth and I get the feeling that I'm missing some joke. He too just shakes his head when I give him a questioning look. Well fine. Don't tell me.

Tobias starts to laugh and then freezes, his head cocked to one side. I tilt my head to listen too as a low growl forms in his throat. Moments later howling fills the air and Naomi covers her ears to block out the racket. I'd like to do the same but I'm busy counting the individual voices. Holy crap that's a lot of wolves.

"Well," my mate sighs as he stands, "at least the waiting is over."

I nod and get up myself.

"Naomi..." I start.

"I'll be with your parents," she interrupts, "and I'll send Calli over. You two are going to need help from the sound of that."

She hurries off before I can argue, leaving the two of us alone.

"Tobias if..."

"Don't say it," he snarls and turns to face me, "I've heard those words before and what followed was something I never want to go through again. So don't you dare say it."

"You realize what we're up against though..." I say quietly and wrap my arms around him in a hug. I want to say it...need to say it but if...he kisses me long and hard, his arms crushing me to him. When he finally lets go I gasp for breath and hang onto him till I'm sure my legs aren't going to give out on me. Still, my whole body trembles and it takes all my willpower not to tear his clothes off right here and now. If only we had time...

"We'll finish that later," he grins down at me and then turns to head out.

I stare after him. What was it I'd wanted to say?

**x-x-x-x-x**

Holy shit. There has to be at least two hundred wolves here. Where in the hell did they all come from? Actually, a better question is 'why are they all here'. As much status as it would be worth to take down an Alpha there's no way that prize alone is worth a war of this magnitude. No, there must be something else these rogues, or at least Derek, are after. But what could that be? What's here that's not elsewhere?

Raquel? As much as I love her, I doubt she's special enough to anyone else to wage a war over. Myself? I don't know why they would be after me unless as a way to get at Raquel. Calli perhaps? She is a very strong Shaman, maybe even the strongest. But Calli meets with wolves from all over anyway, regardless of what pack they belong to so it's not like ours is hoarding her skills for ourselves.

No matter what I come up with I just can't think of a decent reason for all this. What in the Hell is Derek really after?

**x-x-x-x-x**

I race along the path as fast as I can. Many people think me an invalid because I'm blind but, really, sight is one of a wolf's weakest senses so it's loss has never truly bothered me. It does, however, give me an edge over others who take it for a weakness and I've a feeling I'm going to need that edge for this fight.

Its been a very long time since I've fought anyone - I don't like meddling in the affairs of my descendants to that extent. But this has gone on long enough and is growing out of control. The time has long since passed to make my presence known. I just wish that revealing myself wouldn't make things worse before they got better.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I stare at the figure sitting motionless beside the bed. How in the world can he still be doing this after all that howling? Doesn't he have any idea what all of that means?

"Hey!" I wave my hand in front of his face, "Wake up!"

He doesn't acknowledge me - not that he ever has - and continues staring at his wife's prone form.

I get it, really I do. Losing someone you love hurts in ways I can't even put to words. When I lost Rachel there were countless days where I didn't think I'd find the strength to get out of bed and when I finally did I felt like a zombie. But I had two other daughters who needed me more than they ever had. They were suffering as well. I hadn't been there for Rachel, but I was going to be damned before I made the same mistake with Sara and Jordan too.

So I got on with it. I spent my days with my surviving children until they were sick of me and my nights trying desperately to reassemble my shattered heart.

But Raquel's father...he completely abandoned his children. Alex, whom I only met once, is dead as a result of his father's negligence and Kyle is in the wind as far as Raquel knows. The truth is I intercepted the boy while his sister wasn't looking and slipped him Jordan's address with instructions to make his way there once he was certain he wasn't being followed. It took him several weeks but he arrived without incident.

He's fine as of last I spoke to Jordan, but certainly the source of some of her stress. I'd laughed when I heard why, much to my daughter's ire. My oldest granddaughter is apparently head over heels for the young wolf and he's shown more than a bit of interest in her as well.

I shake myself from my thoughts; there's no time for any of that now. Without thinking about it I grab Logan by the shoulders and try to haul him out of his chair. He doesn't budge though; he's simply too heavy.

"Get up!" I smack him across the face, "Now!"

Still he doesn't move and I growl in frustration, my hand throbbing in pain. Time for drastic measures.

Retrieving my purse from where I usually stash it, I reach in and withdraw my small .38 Special. Its been years since I've had to fire the thing but I've kept it well maintained so there's no reason it shouldn't work now.

Crossing the room again I stand on the opposite side of the bed from Logan, raise the gun, activate the laser sight and take aim at Lily's head. The effect is near instantaneous as Logan leaps to his feet, snarling.

"Not another step," I caution over his snarls, "finally got your attention at least."

"I'll kill you," he threatens and it doesn't take a lawyer to realize he's not bluffing. But neither am I.

"Not before I kill her." I remind him as he tenses to spring, "Now you have two choices. You can sit here staring at someone who is, for all legal purposes, already dead and probably lose another child in the process. Or you can get off your ass and go help our children."

"Who the Hell do you think you are?" he snarls at me, though his eyes don't leave my gun.

"I'm a desperate mother who has already had to bury her child once," I snap back at him, "I will not bury her a second time and if putting a bullet through your mate's skull is the only way to prevent that then I won't even hesitate."

He glares at me, hatred in his eyes, but doesn't move. I twitch my hand and squeeze the trigger. A muffled bang echoes through the room as a small hole appears in the pillow next to Lily's head.

"I suggest you get moving," I glare back at Logan and retrain the gun on his mate's forehead, "I won't miss a second time."

"If you hurt her, I'll kill you," he says flatly, making his way towards the door.

"Then move your ass," I snap once more, "because if even one of my children dies, so does she."

**x-x-x-x-x**

"I thought you said this wasn't our fight?" Marco gripes for the hundredth time. I smile. Some things never change.

"Of course I did. In front of Rachel," Jake says and grins, "you know how stubborn she is. Plus you needed to get out of there. As much fun as it would have been to watch her beat you to death with your own arms, I figured you would be less amused by that."

"Raquel," I correct Jake, "her name is Raquel now."

He shrugs and I grimace. Calling her Rachel is as likely to set her off as anything. That glare she'd given me when I called her by her former name came close to making me wet myself. But it was her, as adamantly as she'd denied it. We all could see it.

I can't even begin to describe the relief I'd felt when I realized that Raquel was in fact my old friend reborn. I know Jake feels it too...it shows in how he's acted since we all spoke with her. Marco's more indifferent but then he and Rachel had never been that close...nor was he responsible for getting her killed.

We have to help her. For what we did we owe her too much not to. But according to Calli, if we even appear to be helping Raquel and Tobias' pack at their request it will only make the situation worse. So we have to be more subtle about it. We certainly won't fool Tobias or his mate but maybe we can fool everyone else.

Marco was the one who came up with the idea on how we could help without appearing to. Which is why we're now traipsing through the woods in the middle of the night. I just hope we're not too late.


	21. Animorph

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

Time freezes. I'd thought it was all going to be ok with my mate back with me. But I was wrong; I realize that now as I stare transfixed at the paw frozen inches away from his throat. There's no way he can dodge that. I know what it is I'm looking at but where did it all go so wrong?

Time begins to move again and I scream.

The wolf howls it's triumph as its claws rip through my mate's throat and blood spurts through the air.

"Tobias!" I scream and am nearly deafened as Rachel echoes my scream inside my head.

I leap to his side and tear the other wolf away before he can hurt my mate further. But it's already too late; there's no surviving a wound like this. Even so I pull him to me, snarling and swiping at any who dare get too close.

Tobias changes back, slower than usual, and clutches his throat, blood seeping through his fingers. He's extremely pale and his lips move soundlessly.

"Don't talk," I urge him, trying not to cry. He smiles at me and his eyes close. His breathing slows considerably but continues at a steady pace.

Close by I see Derek grinning - he knows he just won and so do I. With my mate gone I don't have the will to fight, let alone a chance of winning. But no! I won't let them take me alive!

"Sorry about that," Tobias rasps and I jump. He coughs up a bit of blood and sits up, his color much better. Around us all the wolves stare, frozen as my mate seemingly shrugs off a mortal wound. How did he...?

I pull his hand away from his throat and stare at the unbroken, if bloody, column of flesh. I did see his throat ripped open...didn't I? Not that I'm complaining. I much prefer my mate alive and in one piece.

[You two look like you could use some help] a voice says before I can ask Tobias how he healed that quickly and I jump again, my eyes searching for the voice.

Tobias grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze before pulling me into a hug.

"Thought speech. Don't look," he breathes in my ear, too quiet for anyone else to hear.

[I know you can't reply and that we can't appear to help you but we're just a couple of animals who escaped the zoo and have nothing to do with you. And if we happen to take out a few wolves defending ourselves...] the voice trails off as the wolves start to converge on us again, the shock having worn off.

A loud roar, followed by an inhuman scream stops them again. Moments later a gorilla bursts out of the trees and barrels through a dozen or so wolves before skidding to a stop, a look of dumb surprise on its humanoid face as it shrieks in fright. A second behind it comes a tiger, which, unable to stop, plows face first into the gorilla. The large cat snarls and swipes at the ape but the gorilla ignores it. The feline's muscles coil to spring but it stops as it finally notices that it's surrounded by wolves. Shock crosses its own face and the gorilla looks at the cat. For half a second the two stare at one another before turning so they're back to back...apparently realizing that the only chance either of them has is by working together.

[Tada!] the voice laughs in my head, [Accidental allies. I see two more wolves heading towards you too. A large black one and...well, I'm not even sure that the other is a wolf...it's huge! Both are a good distance away though. Twenty, maybe thirty minutes ETA.]

Dad? No way. After all this time there's no way he finally got off his ass to help. Unless, I swallow heavily, unless Mom's dead. No use worrying about that now though, but I wonder who the other wolf is?

"You ready?" Tobias asks and he surprises me again as I find him fully clothed. Derek continues to stare at my mate, having not moved from where he was standing. Rage burns in his eyes and despite myself I shiver.

"Don't see much choice," I say quietly as the wolves advance again. Fate this needs to end.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Even with the other's help we're not doing well. Although I do appreciate them being here, their presence is handicapping me. I'm a better fighter as a wolf than as a human and while I don't worry about Raquel attacking me by mistake, the others are another story entirely and thus I can't change.

I've been forced to use the gift my Aunt gave me several times now and though it's screwing with the heads of the wolves who see me shrug off mortal wounds, it's also draining my energy. Less energy of course means I'm getting injured more often which forces me to use my gift which drains my energy further...

Damnit, if this goes on much longer I'm gonna be killed and then Raquel will be...No. I can't think like that. She's a much better fighter in human form and so long as she isn't forced to go wolf she'll be fine.

A set of claws rips through my arm at the same time as one hamstrings me from behind. For a second my vision goes white as the pain overtakes me and I barely manage to bite back a scream. Raquel is there even before my knee hits the ground, tossing wolves aside. Her eyes find mine, panic in them.

"I'm fine," I gasp, the pain trying again to pull a scream from me, "just keep them off me for a minute."

She nods and turns her attention back to the wolves and I begin to concentrate. The changes come easily, if slowly. At least the pain lessens as they progress. First my leg, then my arm. The pain gone, I reverse the changes until I have my own, fully healed, limbs back. I stand and stretch them; good as new. Even so they both feel like lead weights. I'm exhausted and not sure I can manage many more changes like that until I eat and sleep.

"Tobias?" Raquel shakes me out of my daydream and I notice the wolves have pulled back...all save Derek.

"I'm good," I smile at her and brush a few sweaty strands of hair from her face, "just tired is all..."

"Who or what are you?" Derek snarls and advances within a couple dozen feet, "No true wolf can heal that quickly."

I don't answer, more because exhaustion keeps trying to drag my eyelids closed than anything else. Through blurry vision I see Marco and Jake off in the distance, slowly morphing their wounds away now that we have a moment respite.

"Fine. Don't answer. I challenge you to a duel," Derek grins and I shake myself awake - it looks like he's noticed my exhaustion.

"What conditions?" I ask, trying not to fall over. Not that it really matters. He's issued a challenge and by wolf law, a refusal is an admission of defeat...or surrender, I can't remember which. Either is bad though. Those defeated in combat die in our society. I can't refuse.

"Here. Now. You win, they leave. I win...well, you don't have to worry about that," he laughs and it's echoed by the scores of wolves watching us.

"Anything else?" I hold back a yawn.

"Just one thing more. We're each limited to using the true forms of our fathers," his mouth splits into a grin - he's certain he has me cornered.

"Tobias, no!" Raquel grabs my arm, her eyes wide with fear. She clearly sees what Derek's attempting to do here. But neither of them truly understand what that last condition means for me. Not that it matters...I still can't refuse. I smile at her and then turn towards Derek...the knowledge that I've just beaten him at his own game giving me a bit of energy.

"I accept your challenge," I laugh, "true forms of our fathers right?"

"Yes _Bitten_ Boy," he grins, emphasizing the word 'bitten' to let the onlookers know that my father wasn't a wolf. Without another word Derek changes and begins to advance.

"Stop!" I command, freezing him in place, and give Raquel a grin before moving away from her, "Or are you a coward and a liar who won't even abide his own terms?"

Quiet falls over the wolves. None of them understand what I'm saying.

"You said we were limited to using our father's true form," I remind him of his own words, "and then start to attack me when I'm like this?"

The quiet is broken by a dull murmur of wolves growling their confusion. Already a few have begun to change.

"What are you talking about boy?" the first one with working vocal cords snarls, "We all heard him say you were bitten, not born a wolf which means your father was no wolf."

"That is true," I nod, "my father was no wolf, but neither was he human."

"What?" a second asks but I look over at Raquel. Her eyes are wide, staring at me. She's figured it out - the secret I've never told her. I turn back to Derek.

"You asked me who or what I am," I say, "I'll answer both those questions."

Before I do though, I feel around inside of me for a gift I was given long ago. I've never used it and for many years thought it lost forever. But it's still here and I grasp it, focus on it and the changes begin.

My first morph.

"My name is Tobias Fangor, son of the Andalite War Prince Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul," I pause as my mouth vanishes and my vision blossoms to encompass almost a full sphere around me.

[And I am an Animorph.]


	22. Find You Again

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

I've never seen an Andalite before, at least not outside of books, and I find myself unable to look away. The way Tobias moves across the ground is absolutely beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen. I once compared his fighting style to dancing but now I realize that at the time I didn't know what I was talking about. As a wolf he's graceful but like this...like this his movements are liquid. There's nothing jerky about them; each move flows seamlessly into the next - nothing is wasted.

Despite my mate's skill, however, he's not making any headway. Derek is easily just as good and neither one have been able to land any solid hits.

I can see the frustration and rage burning in Derek's eyes. He hadn't been expecting a fight like this - at all really. His entire reason for challenging my mate with the terms he did was to force Tobias to fight as a human. As he hadn't known who my mate was he had no way of knowing the depth of his miscalculation. Even I didn't know who, or rather what, my mate's father was. Naomi had told me that Tobias had an Andalite for an Uncle but I'd just assumed that that was just a term of endearment towards a close friend. It had never occurred to me that Tobias' father might have actually been an Andalite; he's going to have to explain that to me later.

Fur flies as Derek narrowly avoids a slash from my mate's razor sharp tail blade. Clumps of the dark hair already decorate the ground from numerous similar attacks. Here and there are bits of blue fur as well, from Derek's own near misses.

For a moment the two separate and eye on another. Tobias turns his head to look at me, his main eyes half closed. He's exhausted, there's no hiding it.

Derek strikes, obviously thinking my mate distracted. It would have worked too if he hadn't forgotten about the stalk eyes that had been watching him. Tobias' tail whistles forward, nearly catching the wolf in the face. A last second twist is all that saves Derek from being split in two, though a bright red line opens along his back.

I don't get a chance to celebrate the hit though as Derek twists once more and clamps his jaws onto my mate's tail. Tobias tries to strike him but Derek's grip is too close to the blade and my mate's tail waves about uselessly. He bucks and turns, trying to shake the wolf free but Derek just digs his paws into the ground and holds on.

Tobias glares at the wolf and I can see the pain in his eyes as Derek bites down harder. The sound of snapping bones fills the air, followed by a sickening squeal as Derek shakes his head and rips the end of my mate's tail off.

A shudder runs through Tobias and his eyes droop as Derek springs away, his prize held firmly in his jaws. Around us the rogues howl in glee, more than a few eyeing me now. Tobias stumbles but manages to stay upright - not that it matters. This battle is over; everyone knows it. An Andalite without his tail is little more than an odd looking deer - no challenge for even the youngest wolf, never mind a seasoned fighter.

Slowly he begins to demorph, the ground slick with his own blood. A sense of horror fills me, settling in my stomach like a lead weight as I look on. There's something eerily familiar to this - like I've seen it all before. Inside my head Rachel screams and cries; she knows what's about to happen. So do I but even as my body starts to move I also know it's too late.

As the Andalite melts back into my mate he slowly turns to look at me and smiles, his eyes practically closed. I reach for him but I'm too far and I feel like I'm wading through a pool of molasses.

Derek lunges, apparently unaffected by the viscous pool that has me trapped, and slices my mate open from neck to crotch with his own tail blade. Entrails, devoid of support, spill from the wound to splatter on the blood soaked ground even as Derek's snout reaches in to savage them. The wolf springs away, muzzle covered in blood, viscera dangling from his jaws.

My scream is drowned out by Derek's and the rogue's howls of victory.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I feel weightless as I fall. The wind rushes past me and for a moment I'm flying high up in the sky once more. I wanted to feel that again; a breeze in my face, a warm thermal beneath my wings - keeping me afloat above the earth as my body laughed at gravity. I wanted to share that feeling of freedom with Raquel.

My mate's face fills my vision as something soft slows my fall. Maybe we can go flying together after all; I have my wings back and the power to give a pair to her... I blink and realize she's crying. Tears pour from her eyes and I reach up to wipe them away; she shouldn't be crying...not when we're going to fly together. Halfway there I freeze. This isn't Raquel. It's her face, her scent, but it's not her...although, that's not entirely correct either. I look closer and my eyes widen as they meet hers. Those aren't my mate's eyes but I still know who they belong to; I'd be able to pick those two eyes out of millions.

"Rachel," I breath - scarcely able to believe what I'm seeing - and my mouth pulls up into a smile as I rest my hand against her cheek, "it's you."

She nods and clutches my hand to her face.

"You idiot," she whispers and I gasp quietly - it's her voice too -, "of course it's me, I promised didn't I?"

"When...how long?"

"The whole time," she tries to smile but it doesn't quite reach her eyes, "it took you long enough to realize it...not sure if that makes me happy or mad."

"I'm sorry," I try to laugh but can't find the energy. My eyesight is getting blurry and it's hard to focus on her face. Talk about cruel. She leans over and kisses me and it even tastes like her...sorta. It's both her and Raquel at the same time.

"No...I'm sorry for what I put you through," she murmurs against my lips, "for making you watch me..."

I think she starts crying again, or maybe she never stopped, but I can barely see now.

"Tobias," she says quietly, and I feel her arms around me tightly, "I love you."

"And I love you...no matter what your name is," I try to grin but I'm not sure how well it works, "I left a few things for you...small box on the kitchen table...you'll know what to do with it...what it is."

I trail off, unable to remember what else I left her...I'm sure it's important but...But I just feel so tired. I shudder, cold seeping through my body. Is this how she felt when she...?

"Shh," she whispers, her lips brushing mine once more, "don't be afraid. It's just like going to sleep and when you wake up I'll find you again. I promise."

Something hot drips onto my face...tears I guess, but if they're hers or mine I don't know.

Weights seem to settle onto my body and I sigh. I'm not afraid. Calli's words drift back to me from years ago, echoing in my mind. The old woman told me that Rachel wasn't gone...that I would find her again if I helped Raquel find her soul mate. I wonder if she knew that Raquel was the one I was looking for...and she me? She probably did.

"Raquel...I'm sorry," how had I not realized? "all those fights...all the times I hurt you because I was holding on to the person you had been..."

"Tobias," she chokes out, Raquel's voice once more, "don't leave me. Please hold on."

I should tell her that it'll be ok...that I'll find her again. Like we always have, I now realize. Like a damn breaking, images begin to flood my mind; events from this life and past lives all intertwined.

Many years ago I'd once thought that it had been an impossible set of circumstances that brought Rachel and I together. But now...maybe they weren't so impossible after all. The images fly by, varied beyond my wildest imagination. But there is one thing in common throughout all of them. Always we are together...as we are now...and as we will one day be again.

I want to tell her this, to reassure her that this isn't the end and that...but I can't feel my body anymore...can't feel her holding me though I'm certain she still is. And...I'm just so tired. Surely I can rest now. Surely I can sleep.

At least for a little while...

**x-x-x-x-x**

A thermal is all that keeps me afloat as I watch the scene below.

[And then there were three,] Marco says quietly, without a trace of his usual humor.

After all we went through during the war I thought I'd experienced all the cruelties life had to offer but this...to have to watch the two of them ripped apart again is just too much.

I couldn't hear what they said to one another from up here but I can guess. I just wish I knew if Tobias realized who Raquel was before he...I hope he did. After nearly twenty years they deserved to be together again, if only for a moment.

I remember where I am with a start and look back down. Raquel has been clutching Tobias, sobbing, but now her body spasm and contorts. Her clothes tear and fall from her as she drops her mate and within seconds a golden wolf sits beside our fallen comrade. She throws back her head, oblivious to the approaching wolves, and a mournful howl fills the air.

She doesn't even notice as a large black wolf races through the pack of rogues and attacks the wolf who killed Tobias. It's over in the blink of an eye, the rogue having been caught completely off guard, and even from this height I can hear the sickening snap as the black wolf's jaws separates its victim's head from its body.

The other rogues stare at the black wolf, stunned for a moment. Their shock quickly passes though and as a group they snarl at the newcomer. I don't know what exactly is going on but if I had to guess I'd say some rule had just been broken. Again they begin to advance but the black wolf doesn't move.

"That's enough!" a voice booms and even Raquel, lost in her grief as she is, cowers beneath it.

I nearly fall from the sky as a wolf the size of...

[Holy shit that's a big doggie,] Marco observes.

[I can't tell from up here, give me a reference.]

[It makes an elephant look small,] Jake offers and I can hear the awe in his voice.

I swoop down to land in a tree some distance away and my osprey's mind nearly wrestles control from me in a blind panic. This wolf is easily the size of a small whale...

[Is it just me or is it getting bigger?] I ask.

[Why did you have to say that?] Marco groans, [I was hoping that was just my imagination.]

It is getting bigger though and it's all I can do to stop the osprey from flying away. The wolf takes a single step forward, it's massive paw causing the ground to shake even from this distance.

I start to demorph - I can't control the osprey anymore and if it starts flying it won't stop until our body gives out. I focus on my wings first and quickly grip a branch to keep from falling. Even with my weaker vision I can still clearly see the giant wolf towering over all the others.

"It's blind!" I gasp as I get a good look at its eyes.

[Must be that woman Calli,] Jake says and I look down to find both him and Marco have retreated beneath the tree I'm in.

Glaring at the rogues, Calli snarls and I quickly cover my ears - nearly losing my balance as I do.

[Oh man, a lot of those wolves just wet themselves,] Jake grimaces, [I can smell it from here.]

[Forget the wolves, _I_ just wet myself,] Marco shakes visibly.

The effect is near instantaneous though. The rogues panic and take off in full flight, paying no attention to their dead. Only the black wolf and Raquel remain - the former obviously knows who the large wolf is and is not worried.

Raquel, on the other hand, clearly doesn't care. She hasn't even looked at Calli. Once again her grief takes hold and her cries fill the air.


	23. Left Behind

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"Come on sweetheart, you really need to eat something," I coax my young friend gently. She's barely eaten in weeks and I get it, I really do, but starving herself is not helping anything.

Raquel looks absolutely horrible; she's lost a lot of weight, her skin is a colorless wreck and her hair looks like something found on an old rag doll that was dropped in a vat of oil.

At least she's human again. For nearly a week after Tobias was killed she hadn't even shifted out of her wolf form - most likely couldn't according to Calli. She largely ignored everyone for that week, save to snarl and snap at anyone who tried to approach. That silence continued, for the most part, once she was finally able to become human again. Not that she had gotten over her grief; she barely even acknowledged my presence and what few verbal responses she gave were short and clipped: a word or two, no more. Of course, those few words were volumes more than anyone else got either.

Various members of her pack have been in and out to visit since she returned to the house but she's only given them the most sparing of glances and even then I'm not sure if she's actually seen them; her eyes are dull and vacant. All of them are hurting, seeing her - their beloved warrior princess - like this and their pain is affecting me too. Calli isn't worried about them though.

"They'll be fine," she had said when I brought the subject up, "they just want her to know that they're here for her and everyone of them will deal with this pain gladly because they know it's nothing compared to what she's going through."

I shake my head and look at my friend. Raquel's pack may realize that their pain is nothing compared to her's, but I don't think anyone can even begin to understand exactly how much she's hurting. The past few years have not been kind to my young friend...to the girl who is my own daughter reborn. First her brother was killed, followed by her mother who is all but gone, and finally her mate of less than a month died in her arms. I shake my head again; I'm amazed at the strength she possesses to not have completely fallen apart but I can't help but think it's only a matter of time.

Initially I'd thought the trigger was going to be Tobias' funeral but she managed to get through that surprisingly well though perhaps that was in part due to us not having a body to burry. I had wanted to have a proper wake and funeral for my son-in-law but after a week of being exposed to the elements we had had to cremate him right away once Raquel was able to regain her human form.

We placed his remains next to my daughter's - he was still her husband after all and I didn't think Raquel would object. Honestly though I don't think she really cared where we put his ashes - it wouldn't change the fact that he was still dead after all - and she hadn't offered an alternative when I asked her.

The day we laid him to rest was a hot one and there were more people in attendance than I would have thought: the surviving Animorphs, my daughters, Jordan's family, several members of Raquel's pack, Calli, Kyle, myself and - of course - Raquel.

Kyle was the first person to get any sort of physical reaction from my friend since her mate's death. She'd gasped, tears in her eyes, and hugged the brother she'd thought lost. He returned her hug, tears in his own eyes but there was fear there as well. Although she didn't yet look too bad, to he who had known her his entire life, Raquel clearly wasn't well.

Still, given the occasion, she had managed to summon the energy to put herself together - even if it was only on the outside. The effect it had on my daughters, however, was considerably different than it had on Kyle; I could see it in the questioning looks they sent my way. Not that I was surprised really. They were seeing the same thing I had the first time I met Raquel: their older sister, seemingly back from the grave.

'If they only knew how close to the truth that is' I had thought.

As it turned out, I hadn't had to explain to either of them who Raquel was. Although Jordan tried to be discreet about her staring, Sara hadn't even bothered to try and hide it. I suppose it shouldn't have surprised me that she was the one who figured out what I hadn't told her about Raquel. Sara always was much more open to the strange - she'd thought it the coolest thing in the world when she found out her oldest sister could turn into animals.

"Rachel?" she'd whispered, stepping in front of Raquel to look her in the eyes. Everyone who heard had frozen for a brief second before turning to look at my youngest child. At first Jordan just looked at her sister like she'd lost her mind but then she too took a closer look at my friend.

Raquel didn't respond in any way that I saw but first Sara's and then Jordan's eyes went wide and they threw their arms around the younger woman, hugging her and crying.

My friend put on a brave face but I could see that her former sibling's outburst was just too much for her at the moment. I carefully untangled my daughters from her, even as fur had begun to sprout on her arms. Raquel took off the second she was free, already struggling out of her clothing. The last piece fell to the ground as she reached the trees and seconds later she as gone in a flash of golden fur.

Both of my girls starred at the place the young woman who had once been their older sister had vanished, confused looks on their faces.

"Mom?" Jordan had looked at me, the confusion turning to hurt.

"Go keep an eye on her Kyle," Calli urged the young wolf as she gathered up Raquel's discarded clothing, "she shouldn't be alone right now."

He was already pulling his own clothes off though and handing them to my granddaughter Erica - who was making an effort not to look at the boy she was smitten with.

"Thanks," he murmured to her and took off, a wolf a scant few seconds later.

"He's gotten better at that," I'd observed quietly; it had still taken him a full ten minutes to change the last time I'd seen him.

"Yes he has," Erica beamed like a proud parent. Clearly she hadn't been bothered by the knowledge that the boy was really a wolf.

"Come on," I'd said, taking both my daughter's hands, "lets go for a walk and I'll explain what I can."

**x-x-x-x-x**

The house is much more lively now - at least compared to the last two years. Kyle is back and, for the time being, his girlfriend Erica is staying with us. Naomi had already pretty much taken up residence so that isn't anything new, but my father's presence is a big change.

I don't know what happened but it's like he finally woke up from the trance he'd been in since Mom got hurt. My pack members were more than a little annoyed with him when he stepped up to lead again and he's going to have a lot of work ahead of him to win back their trust, but no one had challenged him.

A few members had looked to me to make that challenge but I'm well aware that I'm not fit to lead anyone right now. My father, as much as I hate him for what he did, was once a good Alpha. He'll just have to learn how to be one again.

Not that I particularly care about pack politics right now. I'm just trying to get through each day in one piece.

Watching Tobias die like that...I get it now, why he wasn't able to let go of Rachel...of who I'd been. We had had a whole life together planned and I was ripped away before it could even begin. And now, a lifetime later, we've again been denied the future we'd been looking forward to. I suppose I shouldn't really complain. After all, we had much more time together this time around.

We'll have another chance, someday, I'm certain. I just hope it doesn't take me as long to recognize him as it took him to recognize me. But I'm already afraid that it will. Holding on to his memory is all that's keeping this hole in my chest from tearing me apart. How will I ever find the courage to let go, to risk my own destruction, on the chance someone I meet could be him?

I don't know if I'll be able to do that. Unless of course I'm absolutely certain it's him. Until then...until then I need to survive...to live. Because someday I will find him again. I just have to hold onto that thought.

My stomach rumbles loudly and I grimace. Part of living is eating so I should probably start there. I inhale deeply, a mouthwatering smell reaching my nose. What _is_ that?

I follow my nose to the kitchen and find Naomi, Erica and my brother sitting around the table, bickering good naturedly over a large stack of pancakes. Across the room is my father, a plate of his own in front of him.

"Raquel," Kyle tries to smile as he gets up to hug me, "hungry?"

"Famished," I admit and hug him back. I'm not exactly sure when I last ate...or what it even was for that matter.

Erica scoots over and offers me her own untouched plate before making another for herself. I smile first at her and then Naomi before digging in.

The first two bites go down without complaint, my stomach too happy that it's being fed to care. The third bite, however, sets off alarms; something is wrong. Cautiously I take a fourth mouthful and swallow. The food hits my gut like a ton of bricks and I can practically hear my stomach screaming to reverse gears.

"Oh no," Naomi says, even as I'm already out of my chair.

I start for the sink but it's full of dishes and I quickly change course for the bathroom. For a moment I'm not sure I'm going to make it as the food builds up in my throat but I clamp my mouth shut and dive for the toilet.

My head just clears the open bowl as a stream of vomit pours from my mouth. For a full minute my whole body locks up and I'm unable to move. Vaguely I feel a hand rubbing my back but my eyes begin to tear, obscuring my vision. Where is my stomach finding all of this?

I sob for breath as the stream ends. Once, twice, three times my body heaves but little else comes up and my joints unlock. I sag against the bowl, gasping for breath, unable to find the strength to pull myself upright.

"Shh sweetheart," Naomi's voice finally registers in my ears and she leans over to wipe my mouth with a damp cloth before offering me a glass with a straw, "small sips."

Ignoring her advice, I take a long pull and slosh the water around in my mouth to rinse it. I try to spit it back out but even that requires more energy than I can summon and I end up just opening up and letting it fall out instead.

Several more spasms cause my body to lock up and I brace myself for my stomach to try to expel more of its nonexistent contents but nothing happens. Again I slump against the toilet bowl, reveling in the feeling of cool porcelain against my forehead. I groan quietly as my stomach continues to roll around within me; expressing its continued displeasure.

Distantly I hear some sort of argument and I grind my teeth as the noise makes my head pound. My stomach gives another heave and I scramble to get myself positioned as somehow my body finds more half digested food to purge itself of.

"Please just kill me," I moan as someone presses a cool cloth to the back of my neck.

"Oh stop that," Grandma Calli growls and brushes my hair from my face to lay a hand on my forehead. I moan again; her touch is deliciously cool against my inflamed skin.

After a moment her hands drift down my body and slip inside my shirt to unclasp my bra. I sigh as a dull pressure, I hadn't even noticed, vanishes.

"Tell me if this hurts," Grandma Calli says quietly as her fingers first press lightly against my breasts and then brush against my nipples.

The only answer I can manage is a sharp intake of breath as I try to stop myself from crying out. Why in the world does that hurt?

She nods though and her hands slide down to gently probe my belly.

Before she can ask another question, and before I realize what I'm doing I pull away. My body spins and I press myself into a corner, snarling and covering my stomach.

Calli and Naomi stand there watching me quietly, unfazed by my actions. Erica, however, clutches her grandmother, half hiding behind her, her eyes wide and her face pale. Her entire body trembles and I can smell the stink of fear on her.

Instantly I scan the room, trying to find what has her so frightened. I need to protect her, to protect us. No threat makes itself known, but her fear doesn't subside.

Where is it?

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Grandma Calli and Naomi look at one another and then nod. As I watch this exchange, my gaze falls on the mirror they're standing in front of and I'm afforded a different view of the room.

The mirror shows the other three woman watching a fourth, their bodies tense. As soon as I see the fourth woman I can see why they're all on edge. This woman is clearly sick: her skin is pale and colorless - the start of several zits evident in various places; her hair is a tangled, greasy mess that looks like it hasn't been washed in Fate knows how long; her eyes are wide and have an animalistic look to them; her mouth is contorted in a silent snarl that reveals fangs for teeth and her clawed hands hover in front of her stomach, clearly ready to attack at the slightest provocation.

Who is this wild, sickly woman? And more importantly, what is she doing in my house?

"Raquel," Grandma Calli's no-nonsense voice drags me out of my thoughts, "calm down child. No one is going to hurt you."

Calm down? But I am calm. My eyes drift to the other woman in the mirror. It's her who...I freeze. She's staring at me, confusion parading across her face.

My face.

Is that what I look like? But how? Why?

Slowly I stand, the woman in the mirror doing likewise and I shudder. I look absolutely hideous.

"Sorry," I rasp and even my voice sounds horrible, though maybe that's just my throat being sore from throwing up like I just did.

"It's ok child," Grandma Calli says quietly and smiles, "but I need you to think carefully now. When was your last moon blood?"

My...what? I stare at my Grandmother, not that she can see me do so, and even Erica looks confused though it seems her own grandmother gets it. Naomi nudges the older woman and whispers something in her ear.

"Your period child," Grandma Calli chuckles.

I stare at her still. Why does she want to know that? But I'm not really sure honestly...I haven't exactly been paying attention to such things. Thinking on it though, I haven't had my period this month. Then again, I haven't had a regular one in two years or so now so...

"I don't know," I shrug and tell her what little I do know. She looks at Naomi and the two women nod again.

"Well at least that explains a few things," Naomi laughs, relaxing visibly, and looks back at Grandma Calli, "a girl I suspect, considering how bad she looks."

"I'll have to take your word for it," Grandma Calli grins, "but it smells like it to me."

What in the name of Fate are they talking about? The two of them grin at each other and laugh. At least Erica is as lost as I am, at least I think that's what the look she's giving me means.

"Um...excuse me? What exactly do you mean...?"

"Didn't they teach you about any of these things in school child?" Grandma Calli looks at me, her brow furrowed though I've no idea what for, "Oh never mind it...a bit late now anyway."

"You look horrible; sore breasts; mood swings; missed period; morning sickness and you don't want anyone touching your belly," Naomi ticks off her list on her fingers.

Did she say morning sickness? It's - I look at the clock - nearly evening. Erica's eyes go wide as she looks at me closer. I'm still not getting what her grandmother is implying.

"I'd put money on you being pregnant my little princess," Grandma Calli chuckles as both she and Naomi smile at me.

"I'm what?!"

My stomach does a couple of rapid summersaults and I dive for the toilet once more.


	24. Children of War

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

If my mate weren't already dead I'd kill him for this. I groan and with another heave of my stomach I retch into the toilet. To think that I'd been looking forward to having kids. Again I throw up, blood from my ravaged throat mixed in with the vomit. How stupid I'd been.

Naomi places a new cold cloth on my neck and rubs my back. I think the two of us have more or less lived in this bathroom for the past...eight?...months. How has she not gotten sick of me yet?

"Not like this is my first time through this," she brushes some of my sweat damp hair from my eyes and kisses my forehead, "and in all technicality you're my daughter so I'm not going anywhere."

I look at her through blurry vision and try to smile; I hadn't realized that I'd spoken aloud. Even now, after all this time, I can scarcely believe how lucky I was that Naomi found me when she did; my former self's mother coming back into my life right before I lost my current self's mother. My mom is still alive, technically, but its been nearly three years now; I know she's never going to wake up again. My father still hopes of course, and I don't blame him, but I think even he has started to accept this truth.

My stomach heaves and my body locks up as more bloody vomit pours from my mouth. I groan again and slump against the toilet, Naomi's arms the only thing stopping me from gashing my forehead open yet again - that was not fun the first time it happened...or the second...or the third.

"Whoever called this morning sickness deserves to be shot," I mumble into the bowl and Naomi laughs. Its been more like all day, everyday sickness for these past months. Unfortunately, my being constantly sick isn't the worst of it. My weight has barely changed despite the fact that I feel as a big as a cow.

Holy hell that sounds good...what I wouldn't give for a cow right now...a nice fat one...I begin to drool, my empty stomach growling loudly. I suppose it wouldn't help even if I did have a cow to eat. I doubt I'd gain any weight even then.

My baby has been growing while I've been shrinking, like some sort of monster devouring me from the inside. It's not far from the truth either. I've barely been able to keep any kind of food down - it almost all comes right back up within an hour or so of eating so I've been hungry almost constantly. As it is, I probably won't even be able to hold my daughter when she's born...at least not until I get some food in me. It's a horrible feeling, being so hungry that I know I would eat my own child but...

As if she's reading my mind, my daughter gives me a few rapid kicks, almost as if she's daring me to try and I jump.

"Hey knock it off," I growl at my swollen belly, "or I'm naming you Dinner."

She gives me one more kick for good measure and grows still. Despite myself, I smile and it doesn't feel entirely forced.

Before I can stop them, tears pour down my cheeks and a sob escapes my throat. I thought I'd gotten past all this...or at least had it under control. But here I am, days away from being a mother and my mate isn't here...will never be here. How am I going to get through this?

**x-x-x-x-x**

"How's she doing?" Kyle asks quietly as I slip from his sister's room. The house is quiet save for the various creaks and groans of the structure settling.

"Asleep for the moment. Calli's with her," I yawn and stretch. I'm half starting to believe that I'm the one who's nine months pregnant with how worn out I am.

The young wolf nods and falls over into a chair as soon as we reach the living room. Between school and helping with his sister he's beat too...and he misses Erica if my guess as to where his thoughts are are right. The summer had been fine but Jordan wouldn't hear of her daughter missing school so back she'd gone. I hadn't argued...not only for lack of energy but also because I'd agreed.

Kyle had been torn between going back or staying here but ultimately decided that his sister needed him more. Still, I made sure he was enrolled in school again himself and either Calli, Logan or I throw him out the door every morning so at least he's not falling behind. That and it keeps him busy and out of our hair.

The sad fact is that our hands have been full with Raquel and we really haven't had time to be looking after Kyle too. Thankfully the boy understands and has been very good about the whole thing; his sister is the one who needs help now, not him.

Between losing Tobias like she did and then having to endure a very difficult and unexpected pregnancy, Raquel is nothing short of a wreck. She hardly sleeps, barely eats and looks like something the cat dragged in, despite the fact that she's actually taking care of herself again. The last part doesn't worry me so much, she should recover considerably once the baby is born but the first two could have lasting side effects.

The lack of food for instance. I can't say I hadn't been disturbed when Calli informed me that one of the greatest dangers a newborn werewolf often faces is their own mother. Apparently Raquel's inability to keep food in her stomach is not unusual for wolves. In many cases similar to my friend's, months of dealing with a ravenous hunger she can't get rid of will cause the new mother to eat their newborn. The instinctual need to satisfy her hunger making her unable to resist the temptation of helpless prey.

I shudder at the thought. Hopefully Raquel will be able to control herself long enough for us to get actual food into her. Of late I've been thinking that this baby is all that's keeping her going...something tangible to remind her of what she had. If anything happens to this child I don't think she'll be able to survive it. As strong as she is, there's only so much heartbreak a person can take.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I'm dreaming. I know I'm dreaming because Rachel is there. My former self has been silent since Tobias died and I don't blame her - she lost him twice now - but I miss talking with her, as much as she often irritated me.

She's sitting on a porch swing that doesn't seem to be attached to anything, swinging slowly. I sit next to her and thread my arm through hers, giving her hand a squeeze. She looks at me, a tired, sad, smile ghosting across her face. We sit in silence for a while.

"It's been more than twice," she says at last.

"Hmm?"

"We've lost him more than twice," she clarifies and a few tears trickle down her cheeks, "you'll understand when you die yourself."

I nod but say nothing. Dying isn't exactly something I'm looking forward to. It scares me, even if I do know it's not the end.

"War seems to follow us," she says quietly, "we've been involved in one during each of our lives for the past several thousand years. Never have we both survived."

Again she's quiet, her eyes shinning with withheld tears.

"Why is it that I can talk to you?" I ask when it becomes apparent that she's done, "I mean, no one else I've ever spoken to has said that they can speak with their former selves."

"I was too stubborn to die...I had a promise to keep," she shrugs and shakes her head, "and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment."

A breeze picks up from somewhere as we quietly swing and my daughter kicks me a couple of times. Fate, I can't even get any respite in a dream.

The kicking intensifies and with a start I wake up. A furious series of blows hammer my insides and I gasp.

"Grandma Calli," I manage to croak out as the blows subside. Something twists inside me and I nearly double over as pain wrenches my gut. A pair of arms encircle me and help me sit back up and I gasp again.

"Something's wrong," I grimace as pain tears through me and something warm and wet gushes from between my legs, "something is..."

Fire trails after the wetness and my vision goes black. Distantly I hear someone scream and I'm fairly certain it's me.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Slowly I open my eyes. Even though I'd just been asleep I feel exhausted, drained...empty. Where am I?

I look around, the room familiar though clearly not my own; it's far too neat.

"Grandma Calli? Naomi?" I call out. I need to tell them about this weird dream I had. The pain in my stomach had been beyond description. I look down and freeze, my body suddenly feeling very cold as my eyes find my stomach. My flat stomach. No...I must be seeing things.

I struggle from the bed to get a better look at myself and scream for my grandmother and friend once more. My eyes hadn't been playing tricks on me though. My fingers probe the area of my body that has been the focus of my life these past months but find nothing.

Where is my baby?

"You're awake," Grandma Calli says as she opens the door.

"Where is she?" I ask before the older woman can say anything else.

"Come, lets get some food into you first," she ignores my question and takes my hand. I pull away.

"I'm not hungry," I need to see her, to know she's alright. But something is wrong, I already know. I'm obviously fine and surely Grandma Calli knows that and would have my daughter here if everything were ok, "Where is my baby?"

"Sit down child, you need to rest..."

I head for the door; my body feels awkward after months with a different center of gravity and I nearly topple forward after a single step. Gah! I don't have time for this!

A pair of hands grab my shoulders, stopping me as I struggle to my feet. I try to pull free but I can't move. Either this whole ordeal has taken more out of me than I thought or Grandma Calli is much stronger than she looks.

"Let go!" I practically shriek and heave the older woman off her feet.

"Raquel! Stop it," Naomi says as she opens the door, "and just tell her already Calli."

Again I feel cold as I see my friend's face. Her eyes are red.

"No," I whisper, my stomach clenching into a knot, "no...where is she?"

"I'm sorry," Calli pulls me into a hug, "the cord was wrapped around her neck...she didn't make it."

The breath rushes out of me as if someone just punched me in the gut. No. It can't be. I had just felt her. She was fine!

"Where is she?"

"Raquel you don't need to..." Naomi starts.

"Where is she?!" I roar and tear free of Grandma Calli's arms. Naomi sighs and turns, motioning for me to follow. I stagger after her, my body wooden as she leads me to the small room I'd prepared in the little time I hadn't been sick.

I shiver as I cross through the doorway and my breath fogs the air. Why is it so cold in here? The crib looms at me against the far wall and the half dozen steps to reach it seem a mile. Slowly I look inside. Surely Grandma Calli was mistaken.

My daughter is laying on her back in the center of the mattress, wrapped in a white blanket. A few dirty blond curls peak out from beneath the cloth, framing a tiny round face. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is fixed in a small "o". She could be sleeping it not for the fact that her chest is still, her skin is blue and her heart is silent.

Tears blur my vision as I reach into the crib and gently lift her out. Her body is stiff, unyielding and cold. I press my lips against her icy forehead and rock her slowly. How could this have happened? Why?

Whatever strength I had abandons me and I sink to my knees, the hole in my chest ripping open in the same instant. I double over, clutching the small lifeless body, and sob. I'd never even gotten a chance to meet her, to find out how much like her father she may have been, to show her...anything.

She was the only one keeping me going since...and now...What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to live with this?

For a long time I cry, vaguely aware of a pair of arms holding me. I don't know how long I sit there but slowly an idea begins to take shape. I won't accept this; I can't. And maybe...maybe there is a way...Anything is better than this.

Blindly I grasp the small pendant I have around my neck: a gift Tobias left me before he died. Rachel had told me what it was - or rather, what she thought it was - and how to use it before she'd gone silent on me. A small shock runs through me as I give my baby one last kiss and set her back down. I stroke her cold cheek and brush some of her hair from her face, my fingers lingering for a moment before I turn to my friend. Her eyes go wide as she sees my face.

"Thank you for everything," I say quietly, "would you look after her for me? You'll know her name."

"Raquel, what are you talking about?" I can hear the panic in her voice.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, tears dripping from my eyes, "I just can't..."

I close my eyes to focus and almost immediately the changes begin. I was wrong about it though - and I'm glad for that. I'd expected it to be painful, but it doesn't hurt at all.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Raquel!" I yell as the girl begins to shrink. The door opens and both Kyle and Calli pile in.

"What's happening?" the boy demands as he sees first his sister and then me yelling at her to stop, "Let her change, she probably can't control it anyway."

But he's wrong. She's not going wolf.

"What in the world is she doing?" Calli asks, looking first at my friend and then at me.

A moment later she gets her answer as the high pitched wail of a baby fills the room. The old woman's eyes widen in surprise.

I pull aside Raquel's clothing to reveal her and Tobias' child; naked and very much alive.

"Raquel, don't do this," I urge the girl but I don't even know if she can understand me. She opens her ocean blue eyes though and stares at us before letting loose another yell.

For two hours I try coaxing her back.

But it's done.


	25. Endless Waltz

Well, here we are. It's been a long road but at last we are at the end. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading this little tale as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

_**~The Last Ronin~**_

"Don't go far!" I call to the little girl as she races ahead of me. I groan. How in the world can such a tiny thing have so much energy? She spends most of her days running around like a nut, getting into every bit of trouble imaginable and yet she still is bouncing off the walls come bed time.

Thank God Kyle and Erica are coming over soon; I need a break. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not twenty five anymore. My child raising years should have been long behind me at this point. The only thing I should be doing at my age is sipping a drink on a beach in Florida, not taking care of a six year old.

I sigh and sniff at the small breeze stirring the trees, showering me with a few brown leaves. Fall is definitely here, if there had been any doubt in my mind before. At least the cold doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

What possessed me to move out here in the first place though I've no idea. At the time I claimed my young ward and I needed a change of scenery, though Jordan claimed it was a mid-life crisis. Then again, she said the same thing when I took on an infant as my ward in the first place. But the change was necessary; I didn't want my little one growing up where she was born. There was just too much history in that place...too much blood.

She's already going to have a strange enough life considering her odd birth, so I might as well make what I can easier for her. That's not a conversation I'm looking forward to either. It's going to require a lot of explaining with visual aids...and maybe even a couple of stiff drinks. Oh God, and then there's going to be the sex talk. I shudder. Having to do that again is something I could live without. Three times was plenty.

The sound of crunching gravel followed by a noise which reminds me of a tiger being strangled reaches my ears and I shake my head. Kyle really needs to get that truck fixed.

"They're here!" I announce to the woods around me and wait. Seconds later my little girl comes tearing out of the bushes, covered in mud, leaves in her hair and a half dozen new scrapes on her arms and legs.

"Kyyyle...!" she sings and races past me again, towards the house. I follow at a much more reasonable pace and arrive in time to see her launch herself at the young man. A look of horror registers on his face as he sees the state of her clothing but it's too late. Erica doubles over in a fit of hysterical laughter and Kyle shoots her a dirty look.

"Uh-uh," she backs away as he tries to hand her my ward and then laughs as he scowls. Turning she comes over to give me a hug and kiss.

"Hi Grandma, how are you doing?"

"Tired," I admit and return the greeting, "she's doing her best to run me into an early grave."

Erica laughs again and despite myself, so do I. Death isn't nearly as scary as it once was. Little is, actually, since I became a werewolf. Calli had offered to change me shortly after I took on my ward, after it became apparent that she was going to be a handful. Considering my little one is a wolf herself I decided it was for the best. After all, someone is going to have to teach her when her wolf blood awakens in a half dozen or so more years and I can't always rely on Calli for these things. Not when the girl's mother asked me to take care of her child.

"Alright you," I disentangle the girl from her Uncle and pluck the leaves from her hair, "you can play once you get cleaned up so strip and get in the tub."

"I'll help," Erica offers as her mate looks away. He'd changed her when they both turned eighteen and they got engaged shortly there after. Jordan hadn't been happy with the idea, even if she didn't know exactly what it all meant and I had decided it was better not to inform her.

"Has she remembered anything at all?" Kyle asks once Erica gets my now naked ward into the house for her bath. I shake my head.

"She probably won't either," I remind him and he sighs. Jake had explained to us what had happened a few days after the girl was born.

Ester had managed to upgrade the morphing technology the Animorphs had used during the war in an attempt to save her own mate, Ax. After he died anyway she gave Tobias a crystal containing that technology which he then left to Raquel. Among other things, one of the upgrades Ester had been able to add was the ability to acquire a creature that was dead.

Thus Raquel had been able to acquire and morph her own deceased child. According to my nephew, she probably abandoned herself to the baby's mind - she's still there, but after all this time her mind is so buried she probably doesn't even realize it anymore. In a weird way she gave her own life for her daughter...sorta.

"I just wish she would have talked to me first," Kyle sighs, running a hand through his hair, "I could have tried to help."

I shake my head but don't say anything. He doesn't get it...what his sister did and I don't think he ever will. I can empathize though. I would have given anything to take my daughter's place on that spaceship; to have died instead of her. Raquel had just been trying to do the same for her own child.

"There's nothing you could have done," I say at last and place my hand on his shoulder, "her heart was just too broken. Even if she hadn't done what she did, you would have never gotten your sister back...not the way you wanted."

He shakes my hand off and I can see the tears in his eyes. He's angry, though I think it's more himself he's angry with than anyone else. I get that too. With time he'll come to accept that he couldn't have saved his sister. Maybe then he'll be able to forgive himself.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The three of us watch my little one chasing the falling leaves in the backyard when we hear it: a car pulling up the gravel driveway. I've been listening to it for a minute now and am more than a little surprised that its turned this way. I'm not expecting anyone else and I don't exactly live off a main road. Whoever this is is seriously lost.

Kyle looks over at me and then starts stripping to change when I shrug. I call over my ward and we all make our way to the front of the house to investigate - Kyle slipping into the woods to watch from a distance. I highly doubt whoever this is means us any harm, but better to be careful.

The SUV with darkened windows, being here of all places, should have clued me in to what this person is but it isn't until the small redheaded woman opens the door and her scent reaches my nose that I get it. My lips pull back over my teeth and they sharpen slightly: this woman is a werewolf.

"Are you Naomi?" she asks, slowly stepping from behind the door with her hands up, "My name is Krystal...Calli sent me."

I relax, my teeth dulling back to human sharpness. She could easily be lying, but the first werewolf's name is not one that's thrown around lightly, especially not since Calli revealed her real identity seven years ago. No one wants to risk the wrath of the Fenris wolf.

I'd laughed when Calli told me that that was one of her names. Not a name actually, a title. Fenris was the small village she was born in many hundreds of years ago. Even so, it definitely paints a foreboding image; one of an individual not to be crossed.

"I am," I answer, "what can I do for you?"

"My mate was a friend of Calli's and he told me to find her if anything happened to him. She directed me here. Said there was a small pack that was a good place for someone looking to start over."

"And what happened to your mate?" Kyle asks, emerging from the bushes, fully clothed thankfully.

Krystal jumps and shrinks back, her own lips pulling up in a silent snarl. I smack the boy on the back of his head and glare at him.

"Forgive my grandson. He's young and lacks tact...or courtesy," I smile at the woman, "but he does raise a good question. I trust Calli with my life but we don't want any trouble here."

"Oh...oh!" comprehension crosses her face, "No, my mate was a firefighter. He died in the forest fire down in South Dakota a few weeks back. No one is after us that I know of."

"Us?" Erica asks.

"My son and I," she turns to the open door, "it's alright, you can come out. No one's going to hurt us."

A pair of small feet hit the ground and a flash of auburn hair appears briefly and then vanishes. Slowly a small boy, no older than my young ward by the looks of it, peeks out from behind his mother. He doesn't look nervous, but rather curious and his green eyes are staring. I follow his line of sight and it hits me: the reason Calli sent these two here. I may not see like the older woman does but I know exactly who this boy is as he stares at my little one.

"Momma! Momma!" the little girl tugs at my sleeve, breathless as she herself peeks shyly - shyly! her! - out from behind me, "who _is_ that boy?!"

"Well, why don't you go say hello and introduce yourself?" I suggest, "Maybe he'll tell you."

She looks at me, wide eyed like I just told her to go wrestle a grizzly bear - though, come to think on it, she would probably try that...Still, she screws up her courage and marches purposefully forward. The boy's eyes don't leave her for a second.

"Hi," she says cheerfully, her shyness evaporating like it was never there, "my name's Rachel, wanna go catch some leaves?"

"Rachel," his face contorts as if he's thinking hard and then relaxes into a big grin, "sure. My name's Tobias."

I can't help but grin myself as Rachel grabs his hand - a very un-werewolf thing to do - and the two children race off to play.


End file.
